(Closed) Groom dilemma!! Mine vs His? Help*

posted 8 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would think that since you are the person who actually practices their faith, it would make sense to do it in your church where you know the priest. Maybe he feels unfamiliar with your church service vs a catholic service so he has more of a comfort level with a catholic church? I would try to dig deeper as to why he doesn’t want to be married by your priest. See what kind of compromise you can come to on this. It might also be a good time to talk about your religious beliefs going into this marriage and how your kids (if you plan on having them) will be raised.

Post # 4
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be careful about stating that it means more to you than it does to him. It might mean a lot to him. Sometimes it’s not about the religion, but the tradition. I’m sure it means a lot to both of you.

Is he aware of what it takes to get married in the Catholic church? He might look into it and decide its too much work. Maybe ask him to research it and you can research yours and you can inform each other about a wedding in each religion and then go from there.

Would it be acceptable to him if you were able to incorporate both religions/traditions? Would you accept that? What if your priest could participate in the Catholic ceremony?

Post # 5
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would agree with the wonderfully supportive hivers above — perhaps you can be married by both — and looking into you being able to be married in a Catholic mass may turn out to be a lot of work. Is there a neutral space where you could both be happy, and be married by both priests?

Post # 6
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would agree with the wonderfully supportive hivers above — perhaps you can be married by both — and looking into you being able to be married in a Catholic mass may turn out to be a lot of work. Is there a neutral space where you could both be happy, and be married by both priests?

Post # 7
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think the two of you need to communicate more clearly about this.  Tell him you want to talk about it, but you both need to stay as emotionless as possible.  Don’t make statements like “my faith means more to me than yours does to you”, instead focus on why you want to get married in your church.  Tell him about the personal connection you feel there, etc.  Then ask him why he wants to get married at his church, and be ready to really listen to him.  Is he really saying “I just do!  It’s my way or the highway!”?  There must be something more too it.  What meaning does a Catholic ceremony have to him?  Is it a connection to family, or tradition, or ethnicity?  Or is there some issue that he has with your church that makes him feel uncomfortable there?  He might be hesitant to say it if that’s the case because he doesn’t want to criticize the church you love, but if you are going to get married you have to be able to talk about these things openly.

To be frank, I would be far more concerned about the inability to communicate the reasons behind this disagreement than about which church you end up picking.

Post # 9
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I know what goes into being married in the Catholic church, but would your Fiance have to convert to get married in your church?  Because that’s a BIG deal.

My Fiance is also Catholic, and other than First Communions for his nieces and nephews, he hasn’t been to church in a very long time.  Although early on he wanted to get married in a Catholic ceremony, he decided further along that it was too much pressure on me to become Catholic and/or take classes so we could get married in the church.  We’ve chosen a neutral location and officiant to take the pressure off.

Would it be possible for your preist to officiate at a ceremony off-site?  Sometimes being in an unfamiliar church with unfamiliar traditions is daunting.  Would it be acceptable for you to have neutral officiant with a little of each tradition included?  There’s probably a good compromise that you all can come to!

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

you also need to discuss your religious expectations for your marriage! my FH and i are celebrating and interfaith marriage and we started these discussions long before the engagement. i am surprised by how many people don’t even take religion into consideration. christian faiths can be very different! if you don’t consider your differences in tradition now, it WILL be an issues later. the wedding is just one example of how much it can make a difference!

Post # 12
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hi,
I thought some background on the Catholic view on marriage might help. Growing up Catholic, your fiance has probably heard for years that marriage is one of the 7 sacraments Catholics can receive. Sacraments are a way of receiving God’s grace, and thus are very important to Catholics. Most Protestant churches believe that there are 2 sacraments, baptism and communion. Marriage (while beautiful and holy in any church!) isn’t viewed as a sacrament by Protestants. Does your fiance feel like he will miss out on receiving a sacrament he thought he would receive? Is he worried about the marriage being “valid” in the church’s eyes? Even if he isn’t practicing, these things  can be deeply ingrained in a Catholic’s mind.

Check and see if you can have a Catholic priest co-officiate at your church (I think sometimes this is allowed) or vice versa. 

Good luck! I’m sure wherever you marry, you will be married before God!

Post # 13
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Why does your fiance not go to chuch any more? Is he a Christian?

I think the issue here is not ‘which church?’, but that you need to be on the same page spiritually. Have you thought ahead to how you want to handle money, church attendance/commitments, birth control and raising children? Those issues are also largely influenced by religion/spirituality, and could cause major conflict and disillusionment after the wedding.

I think you should find out what assumptions have you each made that are in fact in conflict with each other. Communication is #2! (#1 is following and obeying Jesus Christ…).

Post # 14
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I second all the posts suggesting that you talk to your Fiance about expectations about church and spiritual life when your married, because if one or both of you are practicing a faith, this is a big deal. Even though my husband and I went to the same church when we got married, the issue of which church we should attend was our roughest issue during our first six months of marriage (we’re on the same page now, and stronger for it — thank God!), so it doesn’t just go away after the wedding ceremony. I would work at getting those things out in the open and settled before you proceed with wedding plans

Post # 15
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Eek! Time to start compromising, it seems. I guess you really need to get down to why he wants it his way or no church at all. There may be a larger issue going on. Do you think he feels guilty for having lapsed from attending church?

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