Post # 1
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
I love my sweet husband to be more than I can dare say but he’s a bit of a countercultural warrior and that’s creating some dissapoint for me in our “wedding” vision.
I grew up extremely poor and no one in my close family has ever really had a wedding. I never cared about or even uderstood the ridiculous cost of weddings. Not that I judge people who want to spend on it, but its not me.
That said I have always wanted my wedding to be “special” and “outstanding” not in the way of costs but in the way of effort. I love big glamourous dresses, I love dancing and speeches and making a big deal about the fact that I’m getting married. Not financially but in the celebratory sense.
My sweetie is totally embarrassed by the attention and likes to downplay it. He makes me feel embarrassed for being so excited, buying bridal mags that feed into the “awful wedding industry”, planning all the details so early and with such close attention.
Whilst I agree that it can be silly I am just finding it fun, I told him that. I think he’s being a hypocrite because he gets completely immersed in the sports he loves to play and all the blogs and boards devoted to it. I just want him to be happy that I’m happy and not judge me or try to make our wedding overly “simple” just because its “cool”.
Anyone else dealing with this? Any tips on getting my groom more excited about planning a fun and unique wedding? And how can I help him see that just because I look at tradional publications doesn’t mean I’m gonna whore myself out for the industry?
This is bumming me out hardcore! Help!
Post # 3
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
My groom-to-be is very similar in his outlook. We had to sit down and talk about what parts of the wedding were the most important to each of us – the things he really cared about were
a. the actual ceremony and its significance to us
b. the music at reception (*rolls eyes*)
So he is getting to rule the roost about those issues, and I get to organise colours/wedding party/stationary blah blah blah (read: everything else). We both still have opinions on each others areas and we’re taking each other into consideration but it has really helped us to establish boundaries.
What we found most difficult was the guest list – get that out of the way sooner rather than later so you can ENJOY everything else!
Good luck 🙂
Post # 4
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
Mine is impossible. Granted we’re having a destination wedding because most of his family lives overseas but we are doing the BARE MINIMUM there.
Post # 5
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
I find myself to be more like your groom. I can’t stand much of the wedding industry crap. I can’t stand watching Bridezilla or Say Yes To The Dress. It makes me hate women. I hate and am embarrassed by the notion that we will be everyone’s focus, and I hate asking for gifts when I’m gainfully employed in my thirties. If he’s like me, he is probably uncomfortable at his own birthday parties.
What’s helped me through this is the realization that my bride-to-be also can’t stand the overzealous, selfish brides and the wedding industry B.S. that is killing a pretty special day with all sorts distractions and extras. I just needed to know that she also found all of that horrifying. She reminded me that there isn’t a magazine/messageboard/TV show etc. market for reasonable people. So make sure he knows you have no option but the traditional publications as a place to start.
I cared most about the ceremony, what I was going to be wearing and the music (ceremony and reception). And I care a lot about trying to be a gracious host, since I’m uncomfortable with being the center of attention. Being a part of the planning process for those things really helped me understand what my fiance was going through and how many decisions needed to be made. Knowing that a million decisions need to be made helped me understand why she had to spend so much time reading the traditional publications and watching terrible wedding programming on TV.
You could also get him on board with the idea that he could help fashion the day by reading these publications and finding out what he hates, why, and how he’s going to make his day different. I hate traditional wedding boutonnieres. It was going through the traditional wedding publications that solidified my opinion and convinced my fiance that a giant dead bird on my lapel just wasn’t going to be my understated style at all.
In other words, he can use the traditional publications as a way to identify stuff he hates, and how he’s going to be different from the masses. And you can use it as an opportunity to show him the stuff you can’t stand, and how you’re gonna be different from the brides he’s horrified by.
Post # 6
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
I love “Say Yes to the Dress” and all of those other wedding shows and bridal mags, but I think it is just the type A planner in me. I actually cringe at the amount of money being spent and have been told to “stop being so cheap.” lol
Anyway, Fiance wants things a bit more formal than I do. He also comes from a very large family that have a “the more the merrier” attitude with respect to guests. I’d like something smaller and more relaxed.
His parents are paying for the majority of the wedding, and money definitely comes with strings. I can’t really tell them not to invite their friends and distant relatives unless we decline their money.
Post # 7
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
So what I’m saying is that we didn’t really clash in our wedding vision at all—but I was still being unnecessarily opinionated about the “Wedding Industry.” Maybe he’s doing the same thing—knee-jerk reaction to everything like I did, when I really had nothing at all to worry about. Maybe then he won’t be such a buzzkill on your wedding stuff 🙂
Post # 8
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
We totally started off this way. Part of it is that his family has crazy marriage history, so he was reluctant about making a big deal about it. He’s also ambivalent about the legal institution of marriage (not commitment to me, just the institution). On top of this, and this will sound goofy, but he kept rejecting my color schemes! So he: 1) didn’t want to make a big deal about it, 2) was ambivalent, and 3) cared enough to have an opinion about color schemes (yeah, WTF?).
The turn for him was when I made some concessions in terms of style that helped him see what an awesome party this was going to be. On top of that, we’ve both put a lot of work into our relationship while planning. We’re actually closer now. He is still having the wedding to make me happy, but he is also now totally stoked. In fact, he won’t stop inviting people, even with less than three weeks to go.
I think the key is to let him know how important some of this is to you, but to also make a few concessions to fit with his style.
Post # 9
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
My groom and I have clashed because we’re BOTH interested in wedding stuff… He’s more traditional than I am, so we’re having to compromise on some stuff, like I get to have my colored shoes, but he gets matching bridesmaid dresses (he thought letting every Bridesmaid or Best Man pick her own dress, even if it was the same length and color from the same designer was “tacky”), and so on.
For us, wedding planning has been practice in compromise for the marriage as a whole! 🙂
Post # 10
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
I’m sooo happy to say that after some initial backlash he is pretty damn onboard right now. Excited and starting to get involved. He still balks at a registry and certain aspects but that I can deal with. I’m happy to see that he is excited about the romance of it all now. Maybe it just takes some adjusting.
Post # 11
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
Oh my man is such a romantic–and weirdly traditional about certain wedding things. For instance:
Me: I don’t think we need favors. Why spend money on something they don’t really want?
Him: Well… we have to give them a little something, right?