(Closed) Groom taking bride's last name

posted 7 years ago in Names
  • poll: What do you think of a groom taking the bride's last name upon marriage? -choose as many as you like
    A bad sign...seems like the man is "whipped" and the woman is too dominant : (79 votes)
    12 %
    Refreshing! I like it when people do unconventional things that make as much sense as the convention : (120 votes)
    18 %
    I'm curious... I assume there's a story behind it : (102 votes)
    15 %
    "Feminism" run amok : (66 votes)
    10 %
    Highly offensive to the groom's parents : (38 votes)
    6 %
    The groom must have had a terrible sounding last name : (92 votes)
    14 %
    I'm PUMPED! Way to help weaken a tradition that's really just a subtle form of antiquated patriarchy : (79 votes)
    12 %
    Sad. I really like the tradition, just because it's a tradition, despite the inequality to it : (70 votes)
    10 %
    A bit envious. I wish I had done this. : (27 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    3028 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    We are doing this.  I love my short, spanish, nice meaning last name and I adore my father who is 74 years old and will not be around for ever.  Also my brother are unlikely to have children in the next 5 years+ if at all (neither has mentioned it, both are adults.)

    Fiance has a long Polish name with no ties to his ethnic identity.  Although he loves his father, he has no ties beyond that and can’t stand his grandfather.  His family is from a small town and you see the last name a lot in the names of his distant cousin’s businesses. 

    So he’s taking my name, in Michigan it’s a big process and takes months (costs $300ish.)  I told him I wouldn’t change my name to his since myname+hisname is just weird sounding and he respects that plus understands that I love my father and don’t want to have the name end with me.

    The only comical issue is talking future baby names since we will have a Hispanic last name. Also he’s going to use his current last name for work and most non-legal stuff since he’s been a ___ for so long.

    Post # 63
    Member
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @SoonToBeMrsBear:  I think you are being a little selfish. You want to change your name because of a little girl fantasy. And “all the tradition that goes with it” basically sucks, unless you’re into the whole couverture thing. 

    Your Fiance hates his family name and doesn’t want to be attached to his father by name. I think giving him your family name – bringing him into your family – would be very sweet and loving. You’re using a cliched gender role to ignore your FI’s wishes. Don’t.

     

    It is DISTURBING that so many women think that a man who changes his name lacks ‘balls.” So, if a woman takes the man’s name, is she whipped? Oh wait, no, cause women can’t be whipped. We’re not supposed to be in charge. Us being whipped is par for the course. It’s naaaatural…I detest that my Fiance would not even entertain the idea of changing his name. What a privilege. I am keeping my name but will probably have to sacrifice giving my name to future kid. 

     

     

     

    Post # 64
    Member
    2143 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I know a couple who did this because the groom did not get along with his fathers side of the family (his previous last name) and therefore did not want to carry it on. Their options was his mothers maiden name or his brides last name. I don’t think it says anything about the couple honestly. People should feel free to do what they want without judgement. 

    Post # 65
    Member
    972 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think it’s a great idea if that’s what they want to do for any reason.

    I even suggested it to Fiance, we both wanted a “family” name.  But I knew he wouldn’t, he has middle and last the same as father/grand father/etc.  Fiance was very reasonable about it, saying he didn’t want to change his so he didn’t expect me to change mine.  I really love my maiden name, but since I had a middle name I never used (wasn’t bad just not me and maybe 20 people knew it in 36 years) it really was most fair for me to do First Maiden Last.

    All in all I think it’s neat a couple happily finds whatever works for them.  My favorite is a couple who made up a name, both had horrible childhoods and were very well adjusted adults.  It was an added layer of them breaking from the past and being a team, starting a new chapter and all that.

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    753 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    ugh I am so torn on this situation! I LOVE my last name.  It dies with me and my sister.  Not to mention, I am SO close with my dad.  Fiance wont tell me outright, because he respects me and knows how I feel, but I know he would like me to take his name-deep down.  Aside from my close bond with him, I feel zero connection with his family.  I wouldn’t ask him to take my name, but I don’t think I’ll change mine either.  This is one thing I am putting off!

    Post # 67
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @Syzygy88:  +1!!  I hate it when women say stuff like that too, I’m just like “…you realize you sound like a giant hypocrite, right?  Can I ask about the state of your ovaries?”

     

    Before/early on when my FH and I got engaged, FH wanted me to change my last name because of tradition and his (super-American) heritage.  I didn’t want to, because 1) That was not MY heritage 2) fuck the patriarchy and 3) I already had a last name that was doing just fine for me, except 4) my initials already suck and wouldn’t change at all. He whined about it for a bit, but then I started repeating all of his arguments back to him to “convince” him to change HIS name to mine (I really didn’t expect him to).  He was okay with hyphenating or changing my middle name around, but that wasn’t acceptable to me either if he wasn’t changing his name at all. He backed off after that…

    …and then one night said he wanted to change his name to mine.  I was all “errr….” because it came out of nowhere and I honestly didn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, whooohoo!  Fuck the patriarchy!  On the other, the reason I didn’t want to change my name was because I think it’s really unfair for one partner to HAVE to change their last name.  Even if they aren’t legally required to, there’s a whole lot of pressure for married couples to share a last name.  I didn’t feel all that great about him changing his name because he had every right to keep it.  

     

    He’s now fine with both of us keeping our names as they are.  But I have to admit, I don’t think men changing their names is any less of a fantasy than women wanting to change theirs.  One is just a rebellious reaction to the other, imo.  I really wish more people went with the Latin American naming conventions of two surnames from each side and neither partner had to change their names after marrying.   

    Post # 68
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I wish my groom would do this! But I’m sure a lot of people already know my story from my huge last name thread.

    I dislike my grooms last name, since it’s just sort of a silly name & sounds terrible with mine. But also because I have much stronger family ties than him, & he loves my family more than his own.

    I think it’s sweet that a marriage couple wants to share a name, but it’s messed up that the new last name ALWAYS has to be the man’s. It’s not fair, & I’d be PUMPED if he would take my last name.

    The only legitimate reason not to is because either a man thinks he has more of a right to have his name than his wife, or because he fears a bad response from those around him who might call him whipped. Either of those reasons are pretty spineless though.

    Post # 69
    Member
    445 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Josh is taking mine. I flat out refused to change my name.  he really wanted us to have the same last name so decided he would take mine. My dad suffered a heart attavk and severe brain damage and does not remember me. His family doesnt talk to me becuase I am not fully mexican and  my parents didnt raise me catholic. I’m keeping my namenpraying one day my family will try to find me. 

    Josh’s dad and brother kinda giving him flack hut it was important to Josh to have afamily name when we produce offspring.I

    Post # 70
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee

    I knew a couple that made up their own last name but there was nothing good about it. The second wife didn’t like the first ex wife but the ex wife wouldn’t change her name back (she wanted to keep the same last name as her children and had been married for years and liked her ex husband’s last name). So the second wife made the husband change his last name because she refused to have either of them share it with the ex wife.

    I like the tradition of taking the man’s last name. It’d have to be an awful last name to have, like Hitler or Poo, to have me want to make him change his.

    Post # 71
    Member
    1639 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    He’s not taking my last name, but adding my last name as his second middle name. After much hemming and hawing, I had decided instead of hyphenating I would make my maiden name a second middle name. He surprised me when we flied for the marriage license.

    So it’s: First Middle Maiden His

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