(Closed) Grooms family broke

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 33
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

Maybe it would help to try to be gracious and thankful for what she can do instead of fixating on what she can’t? You probably have enough on your plate.  The rehersal is for your FI’s side of the family to plan as they see fit.  A black tie optional wedding doesn’t have to have an equally formal rehersal dinner.  In fact, it’d be pretty charming to have a picnic or outdoor barbecue dinner.

 

I’m on my ipad, too.  Perhaps you’re on the old one and there’s something different about how that one works with the site?  I can post just fine with the ipad2.

Post # 35
Member
5493 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

View original reply
@pokergirl84: There is a huge difference between can’t pay and won’t pay.  It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law really lives paycheck to paycheck and is not able to save the money for the type of dinner you have planned.  I don’t think you have any right to be upset.  I’m sure she’s not loving the fact that this is her financial situation.

Now my Mother-In-Law, didn’t contribute a dime to our wedding and had plenty of money, (in fact in the year we were engaged she practically renovated her whole house, (just consmetically).  That was hurtful but I had to remmember that it’s her money to use as she saw fit.  We still put her name on the invitation.

Post # 36
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Reading your responses, I get the impression that perhaps your initial post came off a bit unintentionally harsh.  It’s lovely that you want to get her a new outfit and that you’re concerned about her feelings.  Is there any way it could be salvaged with a sequined jacket or fabulous accessories?  Something you could gift her to be a part of her outfit so as to spare her feelings?

As for the dinner and her lack of savings, perhaps she intended to save but had some investment losses or other financial crisis you’re unaware of.  I’d suggest handling it yourself and trying to let go of the hurt.  It may be that she’s embarassed and feels badly about it.  And if it’s deliberate in some way, think how understanding and sympathetically your fiance will feel about your generosity. 

Post # 37
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I will never understand people who EXPECT parents to pay for their wedding. My mother offered to help but she’s on a budget and I refused. I told her I would love help with the shower and setting up the reception but NO WAY will I let her give a penny toward the wedding *I* am planning and *I* want.

And the groom’s parents are NOT responsible for the wedding. Is all of the extravagance HIS idea?  Even if so…. if you know it is overbudget for your parents.. and his parents don’t have the money.. why are you having such a BIG tadoo? You can have a very nice wedding on a budget. Trust me. I used to throw events for a living and things can be done VERY cheaply if you try.

It’s your wedding. You don’t have a right to expect money from anybody. No offense but just because it’s one of your most important days doesn’t mean it has to mean the same to anybody else. And they certainly don’t have to save money for or make sacrifices for you!

Don’t mean to be rude but… reality check!

 

PS if my future dauther in law called me a country bumpkin or said “AS IF” if I offered my opinion I wouldn’t give her a penny either.

Post # 38
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Honestly, my view is that if you can’t help pay for the wedding yourselves then maybe you aren’t ready to be married. I am not just saying this for your situation, I am saying it for anyone who is getting married.  My parents will help to pay for my wedding and for that I am very grateful but whatever they don’t cover will be covered by myself and my fiance. I am in no way expecting anyone else to pay for OUR day. I think you need to step back and look at her situation a little more. Maybe she has no money to save. If she can’t even afford a dress why would you expect her to be able to pay for the wedding? 

I guess everyone sees things differently. I apologize if I sound harsh – don’t mean to come across that way. Just thought I would share my perspective! Good luck with the rest of the planning. 

Post # 39
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Don’t throw a big formal wedding you can’t afford on your own, then complain when other people can’t afford it.

Post # 40
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is one of the rudest, most ungrateful, self centered posts I have ever read on Weddingbee. 

And that’s absolutely all I am going to say about it.

Post # 41
Member
15132 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@pokergirl84: If you’ve been engaged for over a year, why have you not saved for the rehersal dinner that you want??  It’s nice when people help out, but at the end of the day, its your wedding and your events.  I dont think you really have a right to expect anyone else to pay for any of it, ror should you be that upset that they cant afford to pay.  If she can’t even afford a nice new dress, how can you expect her to foot the bill for the dinner?

Post # 42
Member
2947 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

View original reply
@MrsNeutrino: This.

OP, I think you’re being a little unreasonable… You don’t know what her money situation is.

I never understood why anyone ever feels they’re entitled to wedding funds from their parents. When they offer, it’s wonderfully generous. But if you’re old enough to get married, you should be able to afford a wedding, big or small.

Post # 43
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

if i were your Fiance and I saw this post…not having an Rehearsal Dinner that you hoped for would be the last of your complaint! There would be no need for the wedding!  These harsh complaints are so mean!  As the person who raised your Fiance, you should be grateful that she was a wonderful mom and there for him while growing up. I also think that if you can decide to get marry then you can certainly be responsible for paying for it!  If she “can’t save” for the Rehearsal Dinner, then she can’t. It’s none of your business that she can’t save her money to throw you a party!

Post # 44
Member
3323 posts
Sugar bee

Your first mistake in my opinion was planning a wedding in which one of the main players (his mom) will be made uncomfortable.  Having a black tie wedding with 1/2 the guests “country bumpkins” is a slight towards his upbringing.

Your second is in expecting someone else to pay for your party.  Saying “I laughed and said u r dreaming this is not what I wanted” makes you sound very uncharitable. 

Post # 45
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@mink: lol, I’m on my iPad too. Posting just fine.

Post # 46
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

If your going by the standards that the grooms parents pay for an Rehearsal Dinner, then you also have to abide by their abilities. Perhaps she feels like she has a lot of friends who would pitch in to do a nice potluck?

Or you could just scrap the dinner all together. We didn’t do an Rehearsal Dinner because It was an unnecessary expense of both time and money – which becomes precious when your down to the day before your wedding 😉

Best of luck!

 

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