Post # 1
i’m getting so stressed out about this, ok so we have a guest limit of 125 total headcount and I was really wanting a small wedding with family and close friends. I talked to his side and them seemed fine with it but then when I got the name list they had 60 families, which is about a total of about 190 guest on their side alone (we have 29 families, 60 guest) and they said that only half will probably come but so will ours and a lot of people they invaded they don’t even seem that close too, I know one guy for sure was put on list “Because he will get a kick out of it’ and my fiance was worried that one women they put on list might try to ruin the wedding and he called them out for a lot of people they put on list and also told them to make it smaller and I talked to them many times about wanting it small and not more than 60 guest for both sides but they keep saying it’s fine. After 3 days of talking to them about guest list I gave up, but it’s going to cost my parents an extra 22$ for every person after our 125 limit and I REALLY don’t want this many people at the wedding. I really want to go back to them and put my foot down about this but at same time I don’t want to be rude and turn into a “bridezilla”
Post # 2
heassa : Sounds like your parents are paying for the wedding? If that’s the case, his parents have no right to extend the guest list to 190 when you set a budget of 125.
Your fiance should be edaling with this and telling them NO.
It’s not smart to invite a shit ton of people hoping that half will decline the invite…
Post # 3
This is the point that you tell them that if they don’t narrow down the list, you’re going to invite family and close friends only from their side, and fiancé will be deciding who makes the cut.
They can either be adults and do it themselves, or fiancé will do it for them.
Post # 4
No no no no no. Objecting to their guestlist is NOT being a bridezilla. IMO, they’re being the zillas, because it was beyond rude for them to even suggest 190 people when they knew they had 60 allotted. They don’t even sound close to these people or that they even want them there!
In this specific situation, this is 100% a hill I’d die on. I would want to establish immediately that their inappropriate behavior does not get rewarded.
Also, if the in-laws want to invite more than 60 people AND you/your fiance are fine with it, they get to foot the bill for those guests (including food, extra decorations, rentals, etc.), not your parents.
Post # 5
No pay. No say. If he wants to add people then he or his family needs to check in. Period.
Post # 6
heassa : Stick to your list and amount of guests.
RSVP. If some decline, then send out invites for other guests your husbands side considered? It can be problematic though.
All in all, put your foot down,a nd stick to your number.
Post # 7
You and Fiance should sit down and cut their list from 190 to the 60 people HE wants there. Don’t even involve the ILs in this discussion. You told them the guidelines and they blatantly ignored you. Now you fix it.
Post # 8
Only having the people that you want at YOUR wedding, does not make you a Bridezilla.
Post # 9
That’s not how this works.
Your parents are willing to host a wedding for X number of people, and his parents may invite X number of people. Period. Your Fiance will have to tell them that if they don’t cut the list to an appropriate number then he’ll have to do it.
It’s really very incredibly rude for them to ignore the set limits and think they can invite as many people as they wish while someone else is paying.
Post # 10
bouviebee : this! OP. Do this!
Also- are you young? Learning to use our power as women when we are young can be a challenging road. As others have said, it isn’t being a bridezilla to set and enforce boundaries (nor is it being bitchy, or difficulty or any of the other shit that is said about women when we know our power in a situation and use/enforce it).
Your FI’s parents are out of line and he has an opportunity to address it or you will need to. It doesn’t need to be a fight or a tug of war or a back and forth. They have zero power here. They were given a boundary. They’ve disregarded it. The boundary needs to be reclarified or the people with the power of choice (in this case, you and your Fiance, and also your parents who are paying and have set the budget) will need to decide what happens. It’s nothing dramatic- just how it works to negotiate boundaries.
If the two of you are going back and forth with his parents and ending up frustrated and they still haven’t agreed to make any adjustments- that means that all of you are mistaken about the power dynamic at play. This isn’t a “would you please cut your list down?” situation. This is a “your list is double the alotted number and you need to cut it or we will.” situation. The question isn’t whether or not they are willing to cut their list. The question is WHO is getting cut from the list and do they prefer to do it or would they rather Fiance does it?
If his parents want to have a huge party and invite a bunch of randos to attend, they should throw one and have at it complete with paying all of the bills.
Last thing – as the bride (and the reason your parents are currently laying out this money), it’s your responsibility to look out for them and their generosity. Just saying “And now my parents are going to have to pay $22 a head for all of these extra people.” all defeated like is a cop out. It isn’t protecting your parents or honoring the financial boundary they agreed to. They agreed to a certain amount of money for a party for a certain amount of people. If you just allow FI’s family to (potentially) blow up the budget, that could create tension between your families for a long time. That is not the way to start a marriage.
Post # 11
“Oh, I wish we COULD invite all these people because I know it is important to you, but unfortunately we can only accommodate 60 people from each side. Thank you so much for compiling the list for us, it’s really helpful. Do you think you can help us go through and pick out up to 60 VIPS?” And if they tell you there is no way they can or they pressure you, then say, “Thanks so much for your help! We have the list and we will go through it.” That’s it. There is no other discussion to have. If they bring it up or act upset that you didn’t invite great aunt Mildred’s in-laws cousin, then just look sooooo sorry and say, “I know, it stinks that we can only accommodate x people, in a perfect world everyone would be there!”
Post # 12
If they aren’t paying, then why are you letting them dictate the guest list? Is your fiance that inept and incapable of figuring out who he likes and wants to attend from his own friends and family? Why did you need to go to his parents?
What you and your fiance should have done was come up with your list of people, then figured out how many spaces were left, and if you wanted to give each set of your parents guests of their own divided that leftover number in half and let them know exactly how many people they could invite beyond the friends and family already on the list from you and your fiance. Don’t make it open-ended. Unless the money is coming out of their wallet, you don’t give people open-ended unlimited power in decision-making.
At this point, let them know that you will take their list under advisement for when you make your final list. Make it clear that your budget only allows for a certain number of guests and that they will only be allowed a certain number. Don’t make it optional for them to accept your guest list. And then you and your fiance alone make the necessary cuts.
Post # 13
heassa : Your fiance is the one who should be dealing with his parents. If you told them how many guests they can invite (e.g 60) and they went over, he can tell them they have to cut the list or you will only invite the first 60 people on their list, so they better prioritize that list.
If he won’t stand up to hs parents now, get ready for a lifetime of the same.
Post # 14
Ugh, I went through this as well. This was 100% a hill I was willing to die on. All of the sudden all of these people that I have never even heard of were best friends that absolutely had to be there. I gave them a number, and walked away and let my fiance and his parents figure it out. My parents paid for most of the reception, so I was absolutely fine putting my foot down. His parents even offered to pay for the “overflow” but I said no, since we were inviting a ton of people anyway, I didn’t want a bunch of additional strangers at my wedding and it wasn’t just food and drink, it was extra centerpieces, invitations, programs, all that little crap that adds up, and that I was doing all of the work and paying for.
You need to tell your fiance, the number is 60 and leave him and his parents to work it out.
Post # 15
It isn’t up to them, take their list and sit down with your fiancé and edit it down. Anyone your fiancé doesn’t actually know shouldn’t be there anyways. Then send out invites to the list. Not hard. They get to suggest a list but that wasn’t an invite for them to make the final say on the list. They have issues they can talk to your fiancé and he can tell them, my wedding my guest list.
Somehow we need to get it out there that proper etiquette is to have the groom and the bride make the guest list. Not ask parents for a list because once asked for, it can’t be taken back easily. If both groom and bride miss inviting people? Well guess that person isn’t enough a part of their lives to be invited. Not that hard.