Post # 1
My daughter is marrying a young man we love. That said, I’ve had it with his family. Last year we rented a small townhouse near his base for a few weeks. We were to have one of the bedrooms and DD and fiance the other(he normaly lives in the barracks on base). A few days after we arived his mother, younger sister and two of his nephews showed up un-invited. These teen and pre-teen boys are two of the worst behaved children i have ever encountered. They tried to take over one of the bedrooms…i explained one was ours and the other was for DD…please stop going into them and respect our private space. They contributed nothing, cost me our security deposit (were only to have 4 ppl) and complained constantly. Instead of being able to do the side trips we had planned i was trapped there trying to keep them from destroying the place. His mother has never said sorry for this or offered to repay the deposit that was lost due to her actions (yes she knows).
Since that time grooms family have come to our home several times and used it as a free hotel. They were not invited…they just show up. They make no effort to contribute (hostess gift, offer to go out to dinner…).She thankfully has not brought the demon children back but has complained over the fact I don’t have a guest room for her. As a rule there are at least 3 of them each visit for 2-4 days at a time. Future son-in-law tells me sorry constantly, daughter begs us to just hang in there…and tells us it’s ‘cultural’. I don’t believe that. I have friends that are of hispanic decent and they don’t behave like this.
Well in the next week we are traveling to grooms home town for a party. Guess what??? Absolutely no offer of hospitality…not surprised but honestly not fond of staying in other peoples homes.
As we get closer to the wedding I have become more concerned. On a previous visit we took his mother to see the reception space and tried to make it clear ‘only invited guests’ NO drop-ins…as they WOULD have to be paid for. This appeared to be a concept she couldn’t get her head around. I do believe she is trying to understand, and i know she loves her son. So i’m trying to get over my fed-up resentment of their continued actions. Could this really be cultural???
We are paying for about 80% of the wedding but are splitting the invites evenly 3 ways. She recently asked if we would give up about half of our share of those invites so she could invite more people. I said no but said that if she wished to invite a few more people she could do so if she paid for them as we were at the limit of what we can host.
Post # 3
@chloesmom6: “Future son-in-law tells me sorry constantly“
… but does nothing. So in my opinion, his “sorry”s are worthless.
FSIL should have grown a spine and sent his mother and family away on that original vacation.
Whose name are the bookings in? I would see if I can make sure the venue booking (including catering and drinks) is in your daughter and son-in-law’s names. Then you contribute your 80% and wash your hands of it. If there are any extra expenses, they are the responsibility of your daughter and son-in-law. I’m willing to bet that FSIL will deal with it once he realises it is his responsibility.
Post # 4
Did exactly that, but had worried i was being ‘mean’ about it. All contracts are in DD and FSIL’s name.
From the begining I wanted all of us to get together and be clear what the budget was and how much each was contributing and where it would go. Best way to avoid trouble and i am done getting stuck by his family. DD was on board for this and FSIL loves nothing more than to have a clear plan….it’s the military officer in him…dealling with his mother on this was like trying to nail jello to a wall.
Post # 5
@chloesmom6: As far as Hispanics and drop ins go, I can only give my personal experience. You invite The Rodriguez Family, you get mom, Dad, baby, aunt, uncle, grandma and all the compadres. My mom’s wedding, I think 300 people were invited? 500 showed up at the church. 900 came to the reception. They weren’t having a dinner, so it didn’t matter in that regard, but yea. Everyone brought everyone. There were only 2 people neither of my parents knew and they were thrown out for lighting firecrackers indoors. They’d reserved 1 room at the civic center. Thankfully, there were no other events that night, they had to open up the entire building to accomodate them. It will more than likely not be as bad, but drop ins happen. At least, in my family they do. I knew most everyone who came to my quincenera, but I know several weren’t invited. A family from Argentina came with someone we invited. None of us had met them, but it’s a party. The more the merrier.
Post # 6
@chloesmom6: as for the drop ins and taking advantage in regular life you need to sit down with daughters FI and have a serious talk that he needs to speak to them and fix this. This may be a part of their culture but it isnt a part of yours and you need that to be respected.
As for the invites… stand your ground and dont make any extra accomodations in terms of letting them get a hold of the full list, or helping in organizing the tables. If you are having a seated dinner arrange for exactly that and the numbers you have. If extra people show up the IL will have to suffer telling them there is no room. When 1-2 ppl show up its easy to sqweeze a chair or 2 but when theres multiple tables to set up… no way!
You are paying for 80% so you need to take control. Tell whoever is at the venue only changes can be made by YOU or your daughter/at least confirmed (in case they try to go behind your back) make it clear how many people there will be and if they get a call from FMIL they need to reply with a sorry but Im not authorized to do that.
I personally told my FFIL he can invite the whole italian community of he wants to but when they show up and theres no record of their name on the seating chart or a chair for them… hes the one whos going to have to explain and ask them to leave! PERIOD!
Post # 7
Similar things happen to me and my FI since we have alot of money. I would suggest to change the locks. That way they cant get in. I hate moochers!
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@chloesmom6: FSIL is responsible for stopping this behavior and honestly if he can’t/won’t speak up I would have a plan in place to trespass unwanted guests from your home and the reception.
Post # 9
Agree with PP about FSIL needing to grow a set. That said, you also were in a position to say, “I’m sorry, we cannot accomodate your visit at this townhouse, as the contract stipulates only four people may occupy the residence,” and after that episode, really should have said, “I’m sorry we cannot accomodate your overnight stay at our house; let me suggest a couple of nearby hotels you can call for availability and pricing” before they brought the first duffel bag into your home.
I am a HUGE believer in “lack of planning on your part does NOT make it an emergency on my part”. But you have to have some backbone, too! I know you’re trying to “hang in there” for your daughter, but this would also be a good lesson for her to witness … if she wants to let her inlaws railroad her for the rest of her life, that’s HER call … if not, she needs to start standing up to them (WITH her soon to be hubby’s support) and PRONTO!
Post # 10
Hi guys 🙂 thank you so much. I was worried i had over-reacted and perhaps was unfair to them. However i think, while i need to respect their cultural differences they should give me the same.
When they got engaged i honestly didn’t think it would be a mixed culture wedding…other than some concern as to his mom not liking to speak english had no idea what we were getting into.
Very glad someone mentioned the habit of large numbers just invading the wedding. It helped me not to loose in into screaming fits when MOG called this morning to anonce she had ‘sloved the problem’ of not being allowed extra guests without paying for them (per person cost is $62)…she will just bring some extra tables and set them up in the courtyard and the other guests ‘can share’ the food….
So i’m printing out a copy of the contract and reception hall rules in spanish and am bringing it with me to her home….this should be real fun…
Post # 11
Oh wow, I feel so sorry for you, but worse for your DD. Has she had any premaritial counseling that includes money? How is she going to handle this?
Post # 12
@chloesmom6: Yeah, sorry, but that “wonderful” future son-in-law of yours should be stepping up and telling his family that their behavior is rude and needs to stop. “Its cultural” is not a whitewash that erases rude behavior. Even if it was, where’s the respect for YOUR culture?
Since he won’t – you need to grow a polite spine and stop letting these people invade your home. “I’m SO sorry, but we weren’t expecting you and we can’t accommodate extra guests this weekend! But here, let me help you find an affordable hotel…”
I’d also recommend that you have a CTJ with your daughter and her fiance’ during which you let them know that THEY need to reign in his famiily regarding extra, unexpected guests and that you will not be left on the hook for paying for them.
Post # 13
Set up tables & chairs in the courtyard and share food? Is she freaking kidding?
OP – You REALLY need to get your daughter and her fiance on the same page, and they NEED to convey to his family that their behavior is not only inappropriate and highly offensive, but that you will not be considered the “hoste$$” of this event with behavior like that, as it WILL reflect upon you as well if that kinda crap takes place … regardless of who’s name the contracts are in.
I’m not one to recommend being an “indian giver” with funds, but this is downright ridiculous, and I personally would have no problem telling the kids to get a grip on the in-laws, or foot the bill entirely and let them ‘own’ the situation how they see fit. It’s one thing to just disagree about the color of flowers, or the entree choices … but to allow a large portion of the guests to recreate the starring roles in “Wedding Crashers” is highly disrespectful of YOUR culture.
Post # 14
I know you can only do so much, but I would put a bug in her ear about marrying into this. He may be wonderful, but unfortunately, it sounds like she is marrying into a heap of trouble. She may not realize it yet, but they will cause her pain and problems, especially after the kids come along.
Post # 15
Perhaps suggest to the MOG that she sponsor a separate event the day after the wedding in order to invite all these extras. She can plan and pay for it.
Post # 16
I would DEF say your are NOT overreacting. They sound rude and takinf advantage of you! it would be one thing if you were both paying 50/50. Since that is not the case, they have no say especially since you are allowing them invite 1/3 the people already. I would print the copy of the rules and make sure she understands. If I were you, I’d hire a few security guards to monitor the party and get rid of “unwanted” guests. Good luck