Post # 1
My fiance is not terribly involved with the wedding planning. He gave his input with the big stuff, but the “frilly” details (invites, decoration, flower, etc) he leaves to me – which is fine! I don’t mind at all. However, I showed him the STD’s, invites and a few other things the other day and he noted that my name/initial always came before his and seemed a little put off by it. Not angry, just… as though he felt that meant I thought I was more important or something. I explained to him that I did it that way because “etiquette” says ladies first until after the wedding. He said he understood, but I still feel like it bothers him a bit.
Would it REALLY be that bad if I put his name first on the programs (the only thing I have left to design that features our names)?
I’m not budging when it comes to initials though. Our initials are M (mine) and B (his), so anywhere initials are placed it says “M & B”, because I’m a nurse and anytime I see “BM”, well… it’s just not happening.
I know the easy answer to this long post is “do whatever you want!” but I’ve seen a few replies in other threads similar to this one where it seems people are actually offended if the groom’s name is first? His family is somewhat traditional. What do you think, bees?
ETA: We’re paying for everything ourselves, no financial assistance from anyone.
Post # 3
I always see the bride’s name first, it is traditional for the bride’s parents to pay so on invites their names would be first, followed by the bride’s.
Mr & Mrs Doe
request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
the son of
Mr & Mrs Smith.
I think that could be partially why the bride’s name is first, but I could be wrong.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
I had no idea there were rules about this! I put his name first on our save the dates, but mine first on the wedding website, without thinking about it. I don’t think it matters honestly, but if it bugs him I’d put him first as a sign of you willing to compromise on things in the relationship 😛
Post # 5
The way I’d always understood it was what you mentioned — that the bride’s name came first in all of the pre-wedding and ceremony items, and then once the couple is married, the groom’s name comes first. I can’t imagine anyone would truly take offense to where his name is placed in the programs, though. Or, maybe you can tell him that his name will come first on all of your thank-you cards, etc after the wedding?
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2013 - Callanwolde Fine Arts Center
I doubt most people will really notice the order of the names on the programs. Its probably worth making him happy instead of trying to conform to etiquitte that people don’t really know about.
I completely get where you’re coming from on the initials thing. Our initials are A (mine) and T (his). There is absolutely no way that I am putting T&A on any of our wedding things.
Post # 7
@Gemstone: really? I always thought the husband’s name was supposed to be closest to his last name, for example Jane and John Doe. Though it always confuses me when you ad Mr. and Mrs. to it because the Mr. comes first. oy.
Post # 8
@Lt.Columbo: You’re right — it’s conflicting because I’ve definitely heard that before, too. Maybe the key is to just pick a “system” and stick to it? I know that I personally was more concerned about consistency than exact etiquette.
Post # 9
@BeeEuphoric: Keep your name first…because you’re the one expending all the effort!
Post # 10
@peachacid: Hahaha that’s a great logic to use, too. 🙂
Post # 11
It’s the bride’s day …. the groom just shows up…. so your name is first!
I hope you know I am kidding… LOL
I go against etiquette sometimes and I will be putting my FI’s name first because it sounds better that way!
Post # 12
I put his name and initial first on our STD because I liked the way it looked better. I dont think that this is a detail that really matters unless it matters to you. There is a difference between tradition and ettiquette.
Post # 13
When it comes to details like that, which only affect you and your fiance, my opinion is etiquette, schmetiquette. Do whatever makes you and your fiance happy!
Post # 14
I just go by “ladies first” especially for programs, cocktail napkins, favors, etc.
Post # 15
so he feels “unimportant” because his name is 2nd…. but if you moved his name to 1st to appease him, you’d therefore become “unimportant”
just tell him that you did what etiquitte states. i for one, don’t care who comes first until you end up in a situation like this where someone uses it as a ranking system.
besides, you would rather have M&B than B&M anyway
Post # 16
I actually started thinking about this, we are planning on having our invites made up soon just so we don’t have to worry about it closer to when everything else will need attention.
I think for us, if it bothers him either way we may do half and half. Who cares as far as I’m concerned.