Post # 1
ok so I’ve been reading up a bit on this… not really sure how to approach a few things. This is my first and his 2nd. He married young and divorced fast….
First off no one is expected to do anything. All help is appreciated. He simply asked “if they wanted to contribute or help in any way” (this I fiind appropriate to ask… we need to know our budget). They told us nothing. That being said I KNOW they contruted 6k per wedding for other sons… as his 2nd I did not expect that but I was hoping as a sign of support to us and good will towards my parents (who are helping) that they would do the “traditional” thing and throw a rehersal or contrivute towards… it would be very small and well within their means and was really just hoping so I felt they were interested in our wedding, rather than their current approach of “been there done that this is a 2nd” (this reaction is purely based on interest they have shown, questions asked etc… very very few) Also, we have experienced what they did with his bro’s wedding for the past 2 years and how super involved they were so let me say that current approach just hurts… Also note, for the following quetsions my parents are slightly put-off by their decision…
What is the etiquitte for invitations. I’ve read: “mr and mrs (parents of bride) invite you to the wedding of their daughter ___ and _____” with the parents of the bride hosting the wedding… also have read the same with the added line “the son of mr and mrs (parents of groom). At present my parents have stated they want the invitation to be from them alone as they have offered to pay the majority (much appreciated not expected)…. not sure if this will upset in-laws….
Guest list: we do have a limited venue of 175, this may not seem small but with big italian and irish families it kinda is. We at the moment are for his side letting FI determine the guest list, friends family etc. Past wedding the FIL’s have invited some college and high school friends, do they need to be invited? or can we reduce numbers with people who have no connection to us?
This is pure cuiosity, with recieving lines, people are all saying “thank you for inviting us” “what a beautiful wedding” do the FIL’s stand in the recieving line getting compliments when they had nothing to do with (in any way) the wedding?
please don’t respond with i’m gready etc. Everyone’s situations are different this is just mine. Yes to get married it’s a piece of paper at a court house but we wanted to celebrate with family and yes our choice but support in any form is always appreciated.
Post # 3
My dad is paying for 90% of the wedding, the other 10% is FH and I. Both of our parents are divorced and remarried, so we just said something about our families requesting the honor of your presence. You could write “mr and mrs Fred Jackson request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter christine anne to paul wall”…there are literally dozens of ways to approach this.
If you’re worried about people thanking your FILs at a receiving line, don’t have one. If you want them to be completely uninvolved, you and FH can assert that if you feel it’s appropriate – none of this is etiquette related so muh as it is tradition, so decide how traditional you want to be.
Post # 4
First off I am sorry you are going thru this… but you are not alone. This scenario does happen to a lot of Brides, be it their Fiance’s second marriage or his first.
There is nothing wrong with the traditional wording of ONLY the Bride’s Parents on the Invitation… because it truly does reflect who is paying. In this circumstance, if no money is to be forthcoming, it certainly is the model I would go with (altho to be fair your Fiance should chat with Mom & Dad again to make sure that they don’t intend to put any money in to the Wedding part… ). No obligation is required, to put them on the Invite if they contribute solely to the Rehearsal Dinner.
As for the Receiving Line, you can have one or not. That is up to you. Traditionally they were used to “introduce” the Guests to all the key players, and included… The Bride & Groom, Both sets of Parents, the Best Man and Maid of Honour (Groomsmen, Bridesmaids, and Honoured Guest… ie Gramma were optional). The Receiving Line isn’t therefore about THANKING any one per se (infact it is usually those in the Receiving Line that THANK the Guest for coming)
You can do a work around on this aspect at the Wedding, by having your MC announce all the key players to stand at the Reception if you like
Hope this helps,
Post # 5
Honestly, I can’t blame his parents. The nice thing about all this is it gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (along with your FI and your parents) and tell his parents basically “thanks for the input but we’re doing it our way” without being a brat.
That said, if they haven’t said anything about the invitations, I’d do them how you want them and call it a day. No pay, no say.
Same applies to the guest list. If they’re contributing, they get a say over the guest list (money=strings), but since they’re not, they don’t get to tell you who you invite. Cut the numbers any way you want.
I’d still let them be in the receiving line. It’s still their son’s wedding day, they still have family there, let them participate if they want to. No one’s going to be standing around with a calculator going “well you paid 50% so I give you 50% of my thanks, you paid 30% so you get 30% of my thanks, and you get 20% cause you paid for the rest.” At that point, none of this will matter anymore and you’ll be married. Enjoy the moment without worry about anyone but you and your new hubby.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
For the guest list, I’d suggest giving FI’s family a number of guests they can invite-35, 50, whatever number works. Do you mean that FILs invited THEIR high school/college friends to past weddings? If so, then yes, absolutely, you can cut out people you and FI and no connection with (which you might want to do on YOUR side anyway. I realize your parents are helping out, but this is YOUR wedding, not THEIR party.)
Agree with PP- have FI’s family in the receiving line. I think they’d be incredibly insulted, more than not being on the invites.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Since his parents are not contributing, their names do not need to be oin the invitation and since the invitations are technically issued by the hosts (your parents, in this case… or at least your parents and you), the hosts make the decision about whether the include the groom’s parents under the son’s name out of courtesy. So if you parents don’t want his parents’ name on the invitation, that’s the way it is.
PS, between bride and groom it shoudl say “to” not “and” since “and” on invtitation means married (already, not soon-to-be).
If his parents are not contributing financially, they have no say on the guest list. 175 people is a lot of people, so I recommend you invite all his family and then give the parents a certain number of additional seats (like 6 or 10) that they can use for friends of their own, end of story, no negotiation.
If you have a receiving line (most people don’t these days), then the parents are included. The receiving line is not about the hosts, but about the bride and groom and their immediate family.
Post # 8
@rebwana: yes they are their (grooms parents alone) friends. We are inviting 3 couples of family friends (friends of the grooms parents) that we do know pretty well and their children which he grew up with. Probably 20 people total. And all close family aka aunts/uncles/cousins. About 90 people total…
Post # 9
First thing, if you put your parents name on the invitation it’s assumed that they are hosting, no need to put with brides parents hosting wedding.
I think it’s perfectly fine to ask parents if they want to contribute, you should have prepared yourself for either answer. Your inlaws have said no as it is there right. Whle you are entitled to your feelings, it’s not really fair to be angry at them because they have no interest in contributing, and if it was truly just a request on you and your Fi’s part then I suggest you let go. Also you say it’s Fi second marriage perhaps that plays into to. As for your Parents they can’t expect your inlaws are going to make the same choices as them. As their daugther you are in a good spot to smooth any bad feelings over.
I think as the bride and groom you guys get ultimate say in the guest list. I also don’t agree with parents who pay then think they can invite the whole world to their kids wedding. I suggest you guys give them a few invites out of courtsey, then be firm about the rest of the guest list.
You say support is appreciated, the fact is they may support you guys but just not with money which is their right. So be gracious about the situation and don’t hold a grude because they aren’t giving you guys cash.
Post # 10
I don’t think your in laws should get to add anyone to the guest list, unless your FI wants them there. If they aren’t paying, they can suck it up.
Post # 11
Though it is your first wedding, unfortunately, it’s his second. Since you are both young enough to ask parents for financial support, I’m guessing his first wedding wasn’t all that long ago.
It’s fine you asked. It’s fine they chose not to contribute. I wouldn’t be hurt. As a parent, you have to draw the line somewhere on children’s weddings, and I’m thinking one is a reasonable line. It doesn’t at all reflect on you, or how much they love you.
I suspect, in the long run, the guest list is going to be much less of an issue. I can’t imagine his parents wanting to invite college friends and distant relatives to this son’s wedding when they did so already once.
Post # 12
You can either add his parents names or not on the invite, either way would be fine so long as it is clear that your parents are hosting.
I don’t see anything wrong with people telling the IL’s that the wedding was beautiful, and don’t think they would assume that the grooms parents were paying.
As far as guests go, we had our parents invite a few people but with a few exceptions (that kind of annoyed me) we knew them all. There is nothing wrong with only wanting people you know there.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
@lbi_bride: Definitely cut those parent-only friends, then.
I’m sorry that they’re not acting as excited/supportive for your FI’s wedding as they were with his brother’s. Hopefully their emotional support will increase closer to the date.