(Closed) Grooms Parents not helping

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: a) parents of groom names in invitation? b) do they get invites of their own c) recieving line
    a) no, hosted by parents : (23 votes)
    21 %
    a) yes, noted as parents of groom : (14 votes)
    13 %
    b) no stick to family and grooms list : (29 votes)
    27 %
    b) yes they can invite people with no connetcion to couple : (7 votes)
    6 %
    c) yes : (19 votes)
    18 %
    c) no : (16 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    My dad is paying for 90% of the wedding, the other 10% is FH and I. Both of our parents are divorced and remarried, so we just said something about our families requesting the honor of your presence. You could write “mr and mrs Fred Jackson request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter christine anne to paul wall”…there are literally dozens of ways to approach this. 

    If you’re worried about people thanking your FILs at a receiving line, don’t have one. If you want them to be completely uninvolved, you and FH can assert that if you feel it’s appropriate – none of this is etiquette related so muh as it is tradition, so decide how traditional you want to be.

    Post # 4
    Member
    9956 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    First off I am sorry you are going thru this… but you are not alone.  This scenario does happen to a lot of Brides, be it their Fiance’s second marriage or his first.

    There is nothing wrong with the traditional wording of ONLY the Bride’s Parents on the Invitation… because it truly does reflect who is paying.  In this circumstance, if no money is to be forthcoming, it certainly is the model I would go with (altho to be fair your Fiance should chat with Mom & Dad again to make sure that they don’t intend to put any money in to the Wedding part… ).  No obligation is required, to put them on the Invite if they contribute solely to the Rehearsal Dinner.

    As for the Receiving Line, you can have one or not.  That is up to you.  Traditionally they were used to “introduce” the Guests to all the key players, and included… The Bride & Groom, Both sets of Parents, the Best Man and Maid of Honour (Groomsmen, Bridesmaids, and Honoured Guest… ie Gramma were optional).  The Receiving Line isn’t therefore about THANKING any one per se (infact it is usually those in the Receiving Line that THANK the Guest for coming)

    You can do a work around on this aspect at the Wedding, by having your MC announce all the key players to stand at the Reception if you like

    Hope this helps,

     

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    1093 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Honestly, I can’t blame his parents. The nice thing about all this is it gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (along with your FI and your parents) and tell his parents basically “thanks for the input but we’re doing it our way” without being a brat.

    That said, if they haven’t said anything about the invitations, I’d do them how you want them and call it a day. No pay, no say.

    Same applies to the guest list.  If they’re contributing, they get a say over the guest list (money=strings), but since they’re not, they don’t get to tell you who you invite.  Cut the numbers any way you want.

    I’d still let them be in the receiving line.  It’s still their son’s wedding day, they still have family there, let them participate if they want to.  No one’s going to be standing around with a calculator going “well you paid 50% so I give you 50% of my thanks, you paid 30% so you get 30% of my thanks, and you get 20% cause you paid for the rest.”  At that point, none of this will matter anymore and you’ll be married.  Enjoy the moment without worry about anyone but you and your new hubby.

    Post # 6
    Member
    4194 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    For the guest list, I’d suggest giving FI’s family a number of guests they can invite-35, 50, whatever number works. Do you mean that FILs invited THEIR high school/college friends to past weddings? If so, then yes, absolutely, you can cut out people you and FI and no connection with (which you might want to do on YOUR side anyway. I realize your parents are helping out, but this is YOUR wedding, not THEIR party.)

    Agree with PP- have FI’s family in the receiving line. I think they’d be incredibly insulted, more than not being on the invites.

    Post # 7
    Member
    7908 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    Since his parents are not contributing, their names do not need to be oin the invitation and since the invitations are technically issued by the hosts (your parents, in this case… or at least your parents and you), the hosts make the decision about whether the include the groom’s parents under the son’s name out of courtesy. So if you parents don’t want his parents’ name on the invitation, that’s the way it is. 

    PS, between bride and groom it shoudl say “to” not “and” since “and” on invtitation means married (already, not soon-to-be).

    If his parents are not contributing financially, they have no say on the guest list. 175 people is a lot of people, so I recommend you invite all his family and then give the parents a certain number of additional seats (like 6 or 10) that they can use for friends of their own, end of story, no negotiation.

    If you have a receiving line (most people don’t these days), then the parents are included. The receiving line is not about the hosts, but about the bride and groom and their immediate family.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    First thing, if you put your parents name on the invitation it’s assumed that they are hosting, no need to put with brides parents hosting wedding.

    I think it’s perfectly fine to ask parents if they want to contribute, you should have prepared yourself for either answer. Your inlaws have said no as it is there right. Whle you are entitled to your feelings, it’s not really fair to be angry at them because they have no interest in contributing, and if it was truly just a request on you and your Fi’s part then I suggest you let go. Also you say it’s Fi second marriage perhaps that plays into to. As for your Parents they can’t expect your inlaws are going to make the same choices as them. As their daugther you are in a good spot to smooth any bad feelings over.  

    I think as the bride and groom you guys get ultimate say in the guest list. I also don’t agree with parents who pay then think they can invite the whole world to their kids wedding. I suggest you guys give them a few invites out of courtsey, then be firm about the rest of the guest list.

    You say support is appreciated, the fact is they may support you guys but just not with money which is their right. So be gracious about the situation and don’t hold a grude because they aren’t giving you guys cash.

    Post # 10
    Member
    10454 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I don’t think your in laws should get to add anyone to the guest list, unless your FI wants them there. If they aren’t paying, they can suck it up. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    191 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Though it is your first wedding, unfortunately, it’s his second.  Since you are both young enough to ask parents for financial support, I’m guessing his first wedding wasn’t all that long ago. 

    It’s fine you asked.  It’s fine they chose not to contribute.  I wouldn’t be hurt.  As a parent, you have to draw the line somewhere on children’s weddings, and I’m thinking one is a reasonable line. It doesn’t at all reflect on you, or how much they love you.

    I suspect, in the long run, the guest list is going to be much less of an issue.  I can’t imagine his parents wanting to invite college friends and distant relatives to this son’s wedding when they did so already once.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    3183 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    You can either add his parents names or not on the invite, either way would be fine so long as it is clear that your parents are hosting. 

    I don’t see anything wrong with people telling the IL’s that the wedding was beautiful, and don’t think they would assume that the grooms parents were paying.  

    As far as guests go, we had our parents invite a few people but with a few exceptions (that kind of annoyed me) we knew them all.  There is nothing wrong with only wanting people you know there. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    4194 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    @lbi_bride:  Definitely cut those parent-only friends, then. 

    I’m sorry that they’re not acting as excited/supportive for your FI’s wedding as they were with his brother’s. Hopefully their emotional support will increase closer to the date.

    The topic ‘Grooms Parents not helping’ is closed to new replies.

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