Post # 1
we are having a little bit of drama right now with the ceremony- 3 weeks before the wedding- i am about ready to pull my hair out. my fiances family is jewish but my fiance is not really religious, and we are having a civil ceremony. now his parents are telling us they want to stand up there with us for the ceremony (i guess my parents would stand up there too), the way they do in jewish ceremonies. i am not crazy about this because i really wanted it to be just me and him and not have anyone standing TOO close to us. now even if we could get our parents to stand off more to the side, i dont want them to look like they’re part of the bridal party either, so i am puzzled as to where to put them.
i havent told my parents yet but i think they’ll be pretty ok with whatever i ask them to do
please help! i realize its me and my fiances day, but his mother seems really adamant about this and i dont want to create too much drama. what are your thoughts?
Post # 3
ummm thats a hell to the no!!! that day is for you and your groom!!! you two are the focus jewish custom or not its your day and that is the most important part of the wedding day!!!
Post # 4
ughh- this is so hard. you dont understand. its been hard for her to deal with us not doing a religious ceremony so this is the one thing she is asking for… she’s made it very clear that this is very important to her. i dont want to have drama between us. she is not the easiest person to deal with…. i just dont know what to do… 🙁
Post # 5
when she got married did everyone tell her what to do. i see where our coming from my future mother in law wants a say in everything, i finally had to politly tell her this is our wedding and this is what we envisioned!!! she had her dream weddign let me have mine!!
Post # 6
Honestly, if this is the only thing they have asked for, I’d be inclined to give it to them. It’s not like we are talking about Future In-Laws who are trying to control every detail. You’ll be part of their family for a long time, and giving them this would be a nice gesture.
However, you are certanly not obligated to do it, if it really doesn’t fit with your vision of your wedding.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2011 - The Viceroy
Maybe they could stand for part of the ceremony and sit during your vows (or vice versa).
Post # 8
@sugar610: DHs family is Jewish and they wanted to do this as well. I was NOT okay with this as both of his parents were already walking him down the aisle which I compromised on (and wasnt too happy with) so I made one compromise but that was not one I was willing to budge on. Our bridal party was pretty large (14 total) and then plus my husband and I and our officiant we already had 17 people up at the “altar”!! I just told her that since we were not having a Jewish ceremony we werent going to do that and that we already had so many people stnading up with us that it would feel too crowded. Thank goodness they accepted this!!! Have your Fiance talk to his parents! Good luck and I know exactly what you are going through!!
Post # 9
my fiances mother is very difficult to deal with- i dont think it would go over very well with her. my fiance already tried talking to her and she got VERY upset. i think she is upset deep down that we’re not doing a jewish ceremony, so she feels like she’s not asking much. she’s just got a strong personality and i can see her making a big fuss.
i am giving it a couple days (this just came up yesterday) and then we’ll readdres it. in the end i might have to do it, because the alternative is having her get really upset and i’m not sure its worth it….
Post # 10
If it were me, I would let her have this one. It is only one thing and it would make her happy and you would stay in her good graces. Another option for you though is if you are doing a unity ceremony, you could have both mothers light the tapers and then go back to their seats. This would involve both of them and might be a good comromise.
Post # 11
I see both sides of the story. The Jewish ceremony is very much about joining two families together, hence the parents walking their children down the aisle, standing under the chuppah, etc. I think it is a beautiful ceremony with so much symbolism. However, it is still YOUR wedding and your Fiance and you have decided not to have a Jewish ceremony. Perhaps you can add a part of the ceremony where both sets of parents stand with you for a blessing or something else. That way they participate but aren’t there for the whole thing. Perhaps your Future Mother-In-Law could even help you plan that part in the Jewish tradition. If she isn’t willing to compromise, then just do it your way. Put your foot down with the drama or she will hijack the rest of your life with this behavior.
Post # 12
I would let her have it. Especially if it’s just this that she’s asking for, and you don’t want to start off your marriage with your mil upset with you.
Our parents stood behind the bridal party, and not too close to the chupah. It was nice having them up there, but honestly I didn’t even notice them b/c I was too busy looking at my groom!