(Closed) Groomsman (17 YO stepson to be) is giving me a hard time…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 4
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@mbaldan:  I’d try to compromise (he is going to be your step-son afterall).  Tell him he can take the tie off at the reception, but then he has to match the other groomsmen in terms of shoes and belts. For reception pictures you won’t notice he doesn’t have the tie, pics of him at the reception are way less likely to be in your album, and letting him have this is going to give you better standing on the shoes/belt

Post # 5
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I would give up on the tie. He’s wearing it to the ceremony. The reception… You’ll probably be hard pressed to find a woman wearing SHOES after a while, so tie comming off at the reception is a perfectly legit idea.

Cowboy belt/boots… That’s a no go. Unless he keeps his pant legs outside of his shoes. I don’t think anyone will notice his feet. 

Post # 6
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would also let the tie slide. As for the belt and boots…. uh heck no!

How would i tackle the situation?. “Listen here boy!, your egtting a free trip to Vegas, i know a bunch of other people will kill for that, if you wear those boots and that belt they will go and you won’t”

no seriously though, you gotta give a little, give up on the tie thing at the reception and sit down and talk with him. My step daughter to be is a little like your step son to be (she is 13) i had to give a little to get a lot!. (i.e she gets to wear heels, and i get her to wear a dress, and one which is at just above knee height, hold a bouquet AND wait for it…… smile in pictures!) so you see it can be done 🙂 p.s if you knew her. you’d understand there is no way in hell even her own mother could get her in a dress 🙂

Post # 7
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’d say he can wear cowboy boots if they are black like the others shoes.  They are super comfortable, durable and wearable in lots of situations, especially for a guy.  Of course take this with a grain of salt becuase I personally consider nice black polished(! not trashed) or even well kept soft brown cowboy boots appropriate with long skirts/pants dressy. I’m hoping if he has cowboy boots he knows how to take care of them and shine them up real nice!  Boots last a long time when taken care of properly, resoled, cleaned, shined if it’s regular leather, cleaned if soft leather, etc.  The belt buckle.. depends on what it looks like.  The belt buckle not so much, since he’s in your wedding and getting to take off the tie, especially if you give in to him wearing the (nice shined black) boots, then he should just wear a normal belt even if you have to pay for it (you know, cheap at Target or something).

Post # 8
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

calling your stepson names online over silly things like a tie and shoe,  hes 17!  i think its more than fair for him to take the tie off after the wedding – he wont be the only guy removing his tie and i would give him the cowboy boots as long as they are under the pants leg. black shoes and boots will look the same

you are not giving your FI’s children “free trips to vegas” to party, they are minors and they are attending their fathers wedding so i think a bit of respect both ways is needed

Post # 9
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@eloping:  This. Don’t think of him as a groomsman, think of him as your new step-son. He may be having trouble with your marriage and is trying to assert himself as an individual. In my opinion, your relationship with your step-son is much more important than your wedding pictures.

Post # 10
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@eloping:   +1.

Post # 11
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@eloping:  @AlwaysSunny:  

Completly agree with both of you. OP, it sounds like you need to do a serious evaluation of you entering into this family. I know you say that you treat your children and his children equally, but from my experience many people who say that simply do not uphold that with their actions. Right now, he is going through a major transition and you need to make a constant effort to make him feel comfortable and at home around you.

My SO has a rocky relationship with his step-mom, and I can assure you it impacts his relationship with his father and his half-siblings. You do not want to let a tie and a belt be the reason that your step son no longer speaks to your FH. It may not seem like a lot, but over time these things can erode a relationship.

Also, I realize you aren’t a bad person, and it’s very possible that this thread was just not explanatory enough 🙂

Post # 12
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think first I agree see him as a stepson not just a groomsman. As a parent I’m sure you know that teenagers can be insufferable especially when it comes to things like their wardrobe. I say comprimise is key so this doesn’t become a point of streess and huge point of contention on wedding day. For the ceremony, pictures, and first part of reception he keeps tie, proper shoes and belt on. Later he can take the tie off, and switch into cowboy boots. I also think you are being a bit unreasonable. At a certain point we should want people to enjoy the wedding rather then worrying about projectng a certain image in pictures later. You will also find towards the middle to end of the reception other guys may take their jackets off, ties off, and unbutton a button or two. I see it happen all the time even at black tie weddings. Chill out and don’t blow this out of proportion and create bad blood regarding the wedding.

Post # 13
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mbaldan:  I think you need to take a giant step back and look at the big picture.  These are your children and he wants to have a little bit of individuality.  Let him. He’s 17!!  Would you rather he dye his hair fuscia?  That’s what I did when I was his age and I would never have changed it for my mother/stepmother’s wedding.  I think you’re overstressed and you’re finding something to take it out on.  Besides, the pics will actually be pretty cute if they’re a little off kilter.  Breathe!

ps.  Free ride to Vegas?  Have you been to Vegas as a 17 year old?  It sucks….you can’t do anything.  I know because I used to go all the time as a kid.  Once you’re too old for Circus Circus, there isn’t anything to do but hang out in the hotel arcade.  Yay.

Post # 14
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh, I wouldn’t be 17 again for a million dollars. It’s all about asserting your identity, only you don’t have a clue what your identity is yet. Awful, awful age. 

Yes, your wedding photos will not look like something out of a magazine. But they will look like an actual family, which always includes at least one free spirit who just has to dress differently. Let it go. Right up there with the things we can’t control, like the weather, are 17 year olds. 

I have to say that it does sound like he’s getting some mileage out of this attention-wise. As you freak out about each thing, he adds something else. I say drop it, give him a big hug and tell him you are thrilled that he’ll be there and part of all this, and that he can wear whatever he wants. Then pay no further attention to it – just stop giving it oxygen. Let him revel in his “differentness” alone.

And make sure there’s an extra belt and shoes lying around for the last minute, for when he looks around at the other groomsmen, and decides he doesn’t want to look like a fool after all. 

Post # 15
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

There will be plenty of people taking off their ties at the reception because that’s what people do, like women take their shoes off. If you want someone to look perfectly polished for pictures all night, rent some manequin stand-ins. Otherwise, you can’t dictate what people do as the night goes on. If his shoes are black (and don’t have big ass chrome toe tips on them), no one is going to notice. Hell, even if they do have chrome on them, no one is going to notice. Your fiance should be deciding what his GMs wear, not you. If it doesn’t matter to him, it shouldn’t to you. 

This man will be in your life forever. It’s probably best not to get all type A about a tie and some shoes. Do you really want THAT, of all things, to cause a rift on either side for the rest of your life?

Post # 16
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

He’s 17. At 17, I would have died in anything a parent expected me to wear. So there will be photos all day. So what?

I’m afraid you need to look at the bigger picture here as turning into bridezilla is not a good start a blended family.

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