Post # 1
Ok, first I need to say that I am pretty shocked about this. It sounds like something out of a movie or at least fake (sadly it’s not). But here goes:
I got a text from my FH’s roommate’s ex girlfriend (wow that’s complicated). Let’s call his roommate Steve. So Steve’s ex-girlfriend sent me a message this morning. Basically she says that he has been actively trying to break us up for a while. He’s even gone so far as to call my Future Mother-In-Law to gossip about me. Then she added that he refuses to stay in the house when I’m visiting. And that she thinks he’s in love with Fiance (they’ve been friends for years, and I don’t think this is true. But there definitely is a lot of jealousy involved here).
First I was just shocked. I didn’t realize that a grown man could behave like that, but maybe I gave him too much credit for being an adult. I know he doesn’t like me, frankly, I don’t like him either. And it was obvious to me that he doesn’t stay in his house when I’m visiting (kinda hard to ignore). But this was a confirmation. The worst part is that he calls my Future Mother-In-Law to basically talk trash about me–I can’t imagine what he’s talking about. He doesn’t know me all that well since we don’t communicate. I’m livid. I know he’s been jealous of me. But to go so far as to take action to try and get between me and my FI?
I don’t know what to do now. I called Fiance and told him about the message. He wasn’t shocked about it (sadly, this behavior doesn’t sound too dramatic for Steve). He sounded upset but not as upset as I am. He told me he loved me, and Steve knows that too. To be honest, I want him to find a new roommate and ask him to leave. I don’t want Steve in our wedding party. I frankly don’t want him attending our wedding. But I think that’s my FI’s call at this point. Plus, I don’t want to make any demands of him and put stress on our relationship, because really isn’t that what Steve wants?
Ugh. I’m almost embarrassed to write about this, but I don’t know where to turn. Any advice out there? What would you do in this situation?
Post # 3
Your Fiance needs to put a stop to his behavior. He’s being a total asswad. But, I agree, it is his call. But it’s also his job as a good SO to you to stand up for YOU and not just shrug off Steve’s behavior. He may not like you, he may avoid you, but the line is crossed when he calls up your Future Mother-In-Law to talk crap about you. Your Fiance needs to tell him it’s completely unacceptable, he needs to keep his trap shut, and if he has a problem with the wedding, he’s allowed to not be involved.
Post # 4
Thats awful. It sounds like “Steve” is not a very good friend to your fiance…while he’s entitled to his own opinion, he needs to respect your fiance’s decision to marry you. If you were like, cheating on your fiance and Steve knew about it or something, then yeah, I can see him wanting to step in and look after your FI’s best interest, but it sounds like this is more of just a personality clash or jealousy, in which case, his behavior is totally inappropriate. Just curious – do you know why Steve started disliking you in the first place?
If it were me, I’d probably talk about this seriously with my fiance and let him know whats going on and how its making me feel. I’d expect my fiance to stand up for me to his friend, and have a talk with him letting him know that he loves me and that his friend needs to accept that if their friendship is going to continue. Whether Steve likes it or not, you are going to be in your fiance’s life forever now! Good luck.
Post # 5
I was in the same situation as a by-stander. My best friend was getting married to a girl that his male best friend, and yes- I, too, hated. As well as his sister. And yes, we did all we could to break it up. But our friend stood tall and strong refusing to be swayed by our influence. We had a group meeting when we told her what we had a probkem with, she told u what she didn;t like, he tried to make peace. They got married 3 years ago and they are still married.
Talk to your man, talk to “Steve.” Confront him.
Post # 6
You guys are amazing! Thanks for the quick responses–I was literally holding my breath just trying to figure out what the heck to do next! For the record, “Steve” is just a jealous person as far as I’m concerned. We’re in a long distance relationship so our interactions were limited. He actually know me. What he does know, is that his friend is now in a relationship and he can’t be his wingman anymore. Simple as that. He can’t handle being on his own and he wants, no needs, the attention. He’s a self centered guy and vain guy that likes to go out on the weekend and get as many girls as possible. My Fiance isn’t into that bc he’s in a relationship.
Thanks for the responses!
@ejs and farmersdaughter – It’s gonna be rough to let him take care of it, I’m not really used to that, but you’re right. It’s Fiance job to handle it.
@mmuncha–thanks for your honesty. I really really want to confront him, but I don’t even know what the heck to say to him. But I have hope that this won’t get between me and my SO.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
Steve doesn’t have a say in your relationship, obviously. The ball is in his court to be cordial around you to keep his relationship with his friend, not the other way around. Obviously his efforts aren’t working, but I wouldn’t even dignify them with a reaction. He’s nuts.
Post # 8
My ex-boyfriend had friends who did this. It was really bad though, a big group of them approached him one weekend when I was gone and told him to break up with me. They even contacted his brothers (3 older) to get them on board. Basically, from what my ex told me, they were saying things like I wasn’t catholic and I wasn’t his ‘type’ and we weren’t right for each other.
Needless to say, we ended up breaking up and I have to admit part of the problem was his friends involvement. It’s hard to keep moving forward as usual when you are getting opposition from people close to you. They actually went as far as to start a rumor that I cheated on him which wasn’t true, but really hurt us.
I say have your Fiance squash this early. Tell him to tell Steve it ends now or he’s moving out. I wouldn’t want Fiance living wtih someone whispering rumours into his ear about how we should break up or that I am the wrong person for him. It’s not healthy for your relationship or his friendship!
Post # 9
We went through this. I was really upset when I found out that our groomsman was trying to break us up. To the pooint where I told Fiance that I’d rather cancel the wedding than have that guy stand up with us. After talking to him it came out that he was worried about FIs ability to commit. We went through a rough patch a few years back where we broke up for a while, and I guess bad groomsman was afraid that Fiance was stepping into a commitment that he wasn’t ready for (not that that makes it ok!).
I think it’s up to your Fiance to talk to him about it, but it’s important to find out the real motivation behind his actions. But if he continues this way he should get the boot. There’s no reason to have him stand behind you on a day this important when he doesn’t really support the marriage.
Post # 10
I really think this guy needs to grow up and realize the world does not revolve around him. He sounds selfish and I’m not really sure he even deserves the title of a “friend” to try and break up a best friend from his Bride to be.
Just stand strong and remember that its just you and your Fiance. Surround yourself with friends that are truly FRIENDS!
What goes around comes around and this guy sounds like he has it coming!
Post # 11
My son and FDIL went through something like this with one of their groomsmen. He was one of my son’s hunting buddies and was extremely jealous of my FDIL’s relationship with my son. He did everything he could to make my FDIL miserable and my son finally saw the light and threw him out of the wedding and his life. I was so afraid of what he might do at their wedding, so I am so relieved he’s gone!
Post # 12
I think it is very important to present a united front (good practice, too, if you have kids later)! This way, there can be no he said/she said, misinterpretation, and further phone call to Future Mother-In-Law or anyone else. IF you Fiance went to talk to him alone, he gets the opportunity to make it worse without you there to defend yourself (not that you should have to).
I personally would print out the email you received and you AND your Fiance should CALMLY go to him and ask about it. Give him the chance to explain, correct, or at least admit. I think going to do this together shows the strength of your relationship and even just by going together, you could squelch the problem.
Also, you said this letter came form an “x” of STeve’s, so really- even though there is evindence of Steve being an a$$, it really would be the fairer thing to do to give him the opportunity to explain- in front of both of you. SEcond hand info is hardly ever 100% accurate.
I think you should also go TOGETHER to your Future Mother-In-Law, show her the letter, and tell her about the confrontation with Steve.
Post # 13
Agree with everyone else. The only thing is remember that sometimes people we love as total asshats but… we don’t stop loving them and they don’t stop being important to us. Your Fiance must stand on your side absolutely (and it sounds like he is) but please don’t ask him to throw someone he loves our of his life (not that you are asking that). Imagine this was his brother – it’s proper to stand up to him and maybe to stop talking for a while but cutting all ties will hurt your Fiance as well as Steve.
Post # 14
I am sorry you’re going through this, and I went through something similar but my “Steve” was put under the command of my Future Mother-In-Law. She sent our “Steve” to get dirt on me and used him to try and split us up, after a while our “Steve” started to really like me, and didnt want to do it anymore. Future Mother-In-Law got frustrated and eventually gave up on us splitting…it’s hard because its someone that you trust and love. They’re in your life for a reason, it’s just hard to remember when they act like jackasses. It’s your FI’s bag to handle, I just hope he does the right thing because this guy is bad news bears and your relationship doesnt deserve that challenge.
Post # 15
I’d def tell my Fiance that I don’t want STEVE in the wedding. Good friends wouldn’t try to ruin each others happiness.
I’d tell Fiance to tell Steve if he can’t get it together he’s out. If he can get over himself and start behaving like a normal human being then let him be in the wedding party. He’s probably just cranky because he’s going to be single all by himself now but based on his behaviour he sounds like a huge baby, no wonder his ex is now his ex. 🙂
Post # 16
My DH’s best friend is in a relationship that neither of us think is best for him. We don’t like his Girlfriend at all. She is always pressuring him to propose and move in with her. He’s just not ready to do all that yet, he just got divorced and I think it really hurt him. Anyway, if he ever did propose, my Darling Husband would be asked to be the Best Man. It would be totally awkward for both of us, because we don’t think that this relationship is any good at all. Having said ALL THAT, we have never actively tried to dissolve the relationship! We have enough respect for Best Friend that we will let him make his own mistakes in life, and simply be here for him when it falls apart. So yes, Steve is a totall @$$hat. But you are right, insisting that your Fiance kick him out of the wedding is exactly what Steve wants because he wants you to look controlling and mean. So you doing exactly the right thing: you told your Fiance about it and your letting him handle it. You can always just wink at Steve during the wedding over your FI’s shoulder! ;-)~