(Closed) Groomsman getting divorced

posted 10 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

You gave your thoughts to your Fiance, so now just let it be.  Its his friend, so he should decide if he wants to offer the guy an out or not.  But I doubt he would take it – a friend of mine got dumped a month before our wedding and I know our wedding was a really hard day for her.  But at the same time, she would never ever decide not to stand up for me because of it!  I would just not worry about it anymore.

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I might not be clear on what your seeking advice for, but I agree with Janna, leave it be.  I agree with your Fiance that asking if he still wants to be in the wedding might come across like he’s trying to politely ask the Groomsmen to back out.  But that is something that I see as more of a girl thing.  (Like girls try to read between the lines.)  So not being a guy I’m not sure.  Maybe just trust your Fiance on this. 

When is the wedding?  Is there some Gm duty, like picking out tuxes, that your Fiance can ask him to join in going to.  (That way maybe your Fiance can gauge where he is emotionally, or give the Groomsmen an opportunity to say, "Gosh, this isn’t feeling right anymore.")

Post # 5
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

That’s tough. Most guys will suck it up but you have to make sure not to be affected by all the negative vibes he might bring. Two of my friends are divorced and when that happened, they were not really fun to be around, especially when discussing weddings. They both have started new relationships and one of them re-married.

Just make sure he doesn’t go all Mitch – Luke Wilson – on you during your wedding, a la Old School.

Post # 6
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

If this friend so close that he is expecting to be asked to be a groomsman? If so, I think it’s up to your Fiance to bring the subject up so the poor guy isn’t left wondering what’s up. Even if he says no, it’s nice to be asked.

He can say something like, "I feel a little awkward bringing up our wedding at a time like this (the divorce), but Fiance and I would be honored if you would be a part of our wedding party. However, we understand that you’re going through a tough time and so if that’s not something you want to do right now, that’s cool too. I just wanted you to know that I really value your friendship. You can think on it and let me know later. No hard feelings if you say no, I will totally understand. Whatever you decide, know that we’re here for you."

If the guy isn’t a shoo-in for groomsman and your Fiance doesn’t want to ask him now, then just let it pass. 

Post # 7
6 posts

I disagree with the other comments, and I bet the people that said them do not have personal experience with divorce. When I went through mine 6 years ago it was amicable and a mutual decision, but I still cried all day the day it was finalized. I also cried every time I got a wedding invitation that year, and those weddings I couldn’t get out of attending were miserable for me. I did care about the friends and family members who were getting married, but I couldn’t bear the feeling of failure I personally experienced by seeing them all declaring the wedding as the most important day of their life, thus implying that marriage is the most important thing in life. Now that I’m engaged again I am ready to celebrate the good in marriage, but let me tell you, there was a time when I could only see the bad.

And getting dumped is not the same thing. 

If he didn’t ask the guy yet it shouldn’t be an issue. If he did, I think you are right, your Fiance should check to see if he’s still down. 

Post # 9
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Wow, that’s a tough situation. I think that its great that you’re concerned about your GM’s feelings. Have you tried talking to your Fiance more about the situation? Perhaps if you let your hubby-to-be know a little more about your thoughts, you might have a better idea of what to do. Sometimes, girls are a little more perceptive than guys. Your Fiance may simply be moving along in his own life (like many guys) and trying not to get involved in his friends’ life without being invited (like many guys). 

By letting your Fiance know your true feelings he might better understand that you’re not trying to banish your groomsmen, or make him feel worse about the divorce. Instead, you’re just trying to be as considerate as possible of his feelings- you don’t want to put him through the pain of dealing with lovey-dovey-wedding-world when all he can think about the pain of his failing marriage. And then maybe your Fiance could talk to him, and let him know that its 100% up to the Groomsmen how involved he wants to be. If he wants to back out graciously, that would be cool. Or if he’d still like to be part of your day, but not have to be part of every single detail leading up to it, then that would be cool.

In typical guy-way, your Fiance doesn’t have to have a big sit-down wit his groomsmen. Maybe just talking to him the next time they are out for drinks or something might work. All your Fiance needs to do is let him know that he may not know what the Groomsmen is going through, but that your Fiance is there if he needs to talk, and understands if he can’t be completely involved in the wedding right now. 

 Your heart is definitely in the right place, Crash. Good luck!

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