(Closed) Groomsman passed away and his wife, a bridesmaid, still wants to be in wedding

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Maybe she can sense everyone constantly watching for her to see how she is reacting to things, that would make me uncomfortable too. She obviously has a good excuse to get out of being apart of the wedding if she didn’t want to be and she told you she wants to be apart of it so I’d just treat her like every other bridesmaid.

Post # 4
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012


She’s probably just trying to maintain whatever she has left of “normal”.

If you’ve tried talking her out of it and she is telling you that she will wants to be involved, you would probably lose her as a friend forever if you removed her from your wedding party.

So it will have to be a decision you put a lot of thought in to.  Would it be SO bad to have her there that its worth alienating her for life, or would you rather deal with it?  Its one of those things where you can’t have it both ways… 


Post # 5
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

That is a hard call. But it may be something she is looking forward to be uplifting after having a hard year. But I would wonder how she would react/feel during the ceremony. Is she going to cry and suddenly get emotional..etc?  I don’t think you are over reacting, but I don’t know what I would do…hmm…I’m interested in other bee’s ideas.

Post # 6
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you should probably talk to her.  It’s a bit selfish to just remove her from the bridal party without trying to help her get to the emotional state where she can truly enjoy the day.

Don’t try to talk her OUT of it. Ask her what you can do to make it enjoyable for her. Ask her to talk about how she is still hurting. You should be trying to help her heal, not reprimanding her and not doing something that can potentially be interpreted as punishment. After all, she was enough of your friend for you to ask her in the first place, and she’s going through a pretty painful emotional time.  If you want to keep her as a friend forever, then worry less about the actual wedding day and more about helping her heal.

That said— I think it would be acceptable to draw the line somewhere, but I think it’s not right to go directly to “please don’t be in our wedding.”

Post # 7
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You’re not a bad person for having those feelings. But I do think it would be wrong to act on them. She was asked to be a bridesmaid, she still wants to be a bridesmaid…let her be a bridesmaid. It would be cruel to kick her out of the wedding party because her husband died.

Post # 8
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@mandi27:  I’m so sorry to hear about this situation.  So sad all around!  I think you need to start spinning this as “We are so honored and touched that you still want to be a special part of our day.  We love and care for you.”

I’m going to also defer to the other bees on this, but are you going to honor this lost groomsman in any way?  Even something as simple as flowers on the alter or something in the program may make her feel contected to him in some way. 

Post # 9
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

While not in the wedding party, I went to a wedding a month or so after my late boyfriend of many years died. The people getting married were mutual friends or ours. It was quite honestly great for me to go.

What about going for lunch with her and talking about it to find out how she actually feels, instead of assuming? I agree with the pp who said perhaps people are looking at her expecting her to look or think a certain way, and she is feeling uncomfortable due to that! I can certainly relate!

If she was uncomfortable doing it, she likely would have told you. She has had the time and reason to opt out if she wanted. I get the impression this is more about how you and others feel than how she may actually feel.

Post # 10
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with Mrs.Rustic I do think it was probably having people watch her to see her reactions, people do end up doing that. I think it would be a friendship ending move, from what you said it doesn’t seem like she was sulking in a corner or having a public meltdown of some kind. I think in that case it is time to show a little compassion for her, because I feel it would be kind of cruel to kick her out at this point. She is in a very tough spot and probably is coping the best she can, and it could really make her feel bad to be asked to step down. As long she isn’t make a scene or draw attention away from you guys, I think this is a great way to show your love for her as  a friend.

Post # 11
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

PPs are right.  I was just trying to put myself in her shoes and imagine what she’s feeling.  It would be like being under a magnifying glass.  If she’s having too much fun people might judge, if she’s sulking she’s being judged.  I agree that if she is a close friend, you should be able to talk to her.  I bet it hasn’t even crossed her mind to drop out unless she’s being provoked.

Post # 13
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@mandi27:  I can’t stop being a good friend just because i’m a bride.

Awww!  I think you made the right choice and I’m glad you talked to your friend.  I feel for her (and totally understand your concerns as well).

Post # 14
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

you may also want to put a picture of him somewhere?  Or you can light a candle and have it lit in rememberance of those who are not with you but whos presence will forever be felt (we are having a candle like this!)

Post # 15
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I wouldn’t take that away from her.   Let her be in the wedding, but if you are worried, just talk to her about it.

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