Post # 1
I have been following this site for so long, and just decided to sign up today. I am having a hard time dealing with the stress of having a bridesmaid in my wedding whos husband died less than a year ago in an accident. He was also supposed to be a groomsman. She came to our joint wedding shower, and looked so unhappy that my fiance and I found it difficult to enjoy ourselves. She looked physically uncomfortable and many people commented. We have tried talking her out of being in the wedding, for her own sake, and she is adamant that she wants to be in the wedding. I am honored that she cares about us this much, but I am worried that I am not going to be enjoy my wedding day. Am i horrible, selfish? Am I over thinking this?? I cant seem to get over the feeling that she is going to be very uncomfortable, and make others very uncomfortable. Dont get me wrong, she has EVERY reason to be upset, mad, sad, whatever. I just wonder if she would be better off being a guest not a bridesmaid. I hate that I have these feelings.
Post # 3
Maybe she can sense everyone constantly watching for her to see how she is reacting to things, that would make me uncomfortable too. She obviously has a good excuse to get out of being apart of the wedding if she didn’t want to be and she told you she wants to be apart of it so I’d just treat her like every other bridesmaid.
Post # 4
She’s probably just trying to maintain whatever she has left of “normal”.
If you’ve tried talking her out of it and she is telling you that she will wants to be involved, you would probably lose her as a friend forever if you removed her from your wedding party.
So it will have to be a decision you put a lot of thought in to. Would it be SO bad to have her there that its worth alienating her for life, or would you rather deal with it? Its one of those things where you can’t have it both ways…
Post # 5
That is a hard call. But it may be something she is looking forward to be uplifting after having a hard year. But I would wonder how she would react/feel during the ceremony. Is she going to cry and suddenly get emotional..etc? I don’t think you are over reacting, but I don’t know what I would do…hmm…I’m interested in other bee’s ideas.
Post # 6
I think you should probably talk to her. It’s a bit selfish to just remove her from the bridal party without trying to help her get to the emotional state where she can truly enjoy the day.
Don’t try to talk her OUT of it. Ask her what you can do to make it enjoyable for her. Ask her to talk about how she is still hurting. You should be trying to help her heal, not reprimanding her and not doing something that can potentially be interpreted as punishment. After all, she was enough of your friend for you to ask her in the first place, and she’s going through a pretty painful emotional time. If you want to keep her as a friend forever, then worry less about the actual wedding day and more about helping her heal.
That said— I think it would be acceptable to draw the line somewhere, but I think it’s not right to go directly to “please don’t be in our wedding.”
Post # 7
You’re not a bad person for having those feelings. But I do think it would be wrong to act on them. She was asked to be a bridesmaid, she still wants to be a bridesmaid…let her be a bridesmaid. It would be cruel to kick her out of the wedding party because her husband died.
Post # 8
@mandi27: I’m so sorry to hear about this situation. So sad all around! I think you need to start spinning this as “We are so honored and touched that you still want to be a special part of our day. We love and care for you.”
I’m going to also defer to the other bees on this, but are you going to honor this lost groomsman in any way? Even something as simple as flowers on the alter or something in the program may make her feel contected to him in some way.
Post # 9
While not in the wedding party, I went to a wedding a month or so after my late boyfriend of many years died. The people getting married were mutual friends or ours. It was quite honestly great for me to go.
What about going for lunch with her and talking about it to find out how she actually feels, instead of assuming? I agree with the pp who said perhaps people are looking at her expecting her to look or think a certain way, and she is feeling uncomfortable due to that! I can certainly relate!
If she was uncomfortable doing it, she likely would have told you. She has had the time and reason to opt out if she wanted. I get the impression this is more about how you and others feel than how she may actually feel.
Post # 10
I agree with Mrs.Rustic I do think it was probably having people watch her to see her reactions, people do end up doing that. I think it would be a friendship ending move, from what you said it doesn’t seem like she was sulking in a corner or having a public meltdown of some kind. I think in that case it is time to show a little compassion for her, because I feel it would be kind of cruel to kick her out at this point. She is in a very tough spot and probably is coping the best she can, and it could really make her feel bad to be asked to step down. As long she isn’t make a scene or draw attention away from you guys, I think this is a great way to show your love for her as a friend.
Post # 11
PPs are right. I was just trying to put myself in her shoes and imagine what she’s feeling. It would be like being under a magnifying glass. If she’s having too much fun people might judge, if she’s sulking she’s being judged. I agree that if she is a close friend, you should be able to talk to her. I bet it hasn’t even crossed her mind to drop out unless she’s being provoked.
Post # 12
Thank you ladies! I actually talked with her, face to face, about all of both of our concerns. She has pretty much the same concerns as I do, which was nice to hear. She is concerned about how she will react at the ceremony,and said she most likely will cry. I have finally accepted that I am ok with her crying, but I need to get over what other people think! She has a hard time masking how she is feeling, but whatever, if shes ok with it thats all that matters! My fiance and I have truly been selfless in helping her over the year, and I guess lately I let the “bride” thing get in the way of who I really am. Thank you all for reminding me that this is something she may need to do. I can’t stop being a good friend just because i’m a bride. THANK YOU!
We will be remembering her husband the whole night. He is mentioned as a groomsman in memoriam on the ceremony program and will be spoken of as we all enter the reception. He was one of my fiance’s best friends.
Post # 13
@mandi27: I can’t stop being a good friend just because i’m a bride.
Awww! I think you made the right choice and I’m glad you talked to your friend. I feel for her (and totally understand your concerns as well).
Post # 14
you may also want to put a picture of him somewhere? Or you can light a candle and have it lit in rememberance of those who are not with you but whos presence will forever be felt (we are having a candle like this!)
Post # 15
I wouldn’t take that away from her. Let her be in the wedding, but if you are worried, just talk to her about it.