(Closed) Groomsman that makes me want to beat my head against a wall…. (LONG VENT)

posted 5 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@jo_5537:  Sorry, but members of the bridal party get a +1. Even if you’re covering all the costs for them to be in the wedding. It’s just being polite. We have a groomsman that I didn’t want to let bring a guest because his ex-wife is also a guest at the wedding and I didn’t want them bringing dates and allow any drama to ensue. But letting them bring dates is the proper thing to do, and now they’re back together anyway. You’ll be so busy enjoying your now husband that you won’t even notice if he has a guest. Don’t let it bother you 🙂

Post # 4
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off I feel for you… I really do.  Sometimes “past friends” come with a lot of baggage.

John is a friend from your Fiance’s past, it sounds like you all have out-grown each other, but still John is around (and part of your Wedding) that is something that your Finance is responsible for… so your gripe really needs to be with him…

John well he’s just being John… same guy he’s always been.

I post here often on WBee as the “Etiquette Snob… lol” and that is strictly because due to circumstance I know a lot of the Rules of Etiquette quite well… especially what one would call “Traditional Etiquette” (the nicest / most polite stuff)

What John did by assuming he has a Plus One is yes considered RUDE (assumptions are rude)

BUT there is good reason he made that assumption

When it comes to “Traditional Etiquette” he as a member of the Bridal Party would be getting a PLUS ONE automatically as part of the perk of giving of his time to your Wedding.

He gives to you… you inturn allow him to spend the weekend with whomever he so chooses in regards to his travel time, and social time at the event.

And it is a true plus one… he can bring whomever he likes, you don’t get a say.  So it could be his Spouse, Fiancée, Live in Girlfriend, SO, or random chick he invited that he met at the Bar just this week… OR lol, it could be his Brother, Mother, or someone else.  The Plus One would mean all he’d have to do is “check the box” and bring along a companion.

Sucks, ya.

And said Plus One would be properly included as he is a Groomsman at the Rehearsal Dinner as well as the Wedding Reception.

BUT it is a niceity that can go a long way to maintaining relationships between those we ask to stand up for us at a Wedding

(And based on all the DRAMA & TRAUMA I see when it comes to Happy Couples and their Bridal Parties, I do think a lot of it stems from this step away from Traditional Graces and the fact that once upon a time, people actually took both sides of the equation of being a Member of the Bridal Party with a more respectful approach so there was no misunderstanding when it came to Role, Responsibilities and Expenses etc… all of which I have posted here on WBee previously about… you can use the WBee SEARCH BOX if you want to read more)


As you don’t have that sort of relationship with John.  And clearly you seem to be tracking on a modern etiquette course… no plus one.

From that POV what he’s done is rude.  So you have to tell him so.

“Sorry, but we haven’t allowed any plus ones for our Bridal Party”

(And I do hope that statement is true across the board, otherwise excluding him from having a Plus One would be extremely rude on your part… solely because you don’t like his dating style or taste in women)

As he is a Groomsman… this is not your role to fulfill.  It falls on the shoulders of your Fiance to give John the news.

Now if John takes it poorly, and creates more DRAMA & TRAUMA don’t be surprised (he does sound like the sort of guy who will)

At least I’ve told you why it might occur

Let’s hope that doesn’t happen  (( HUGS ))


Post # 6
3194 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@jo_5537:  i know you said “don’t tell me about etiquette” but this post does nothing but solicit comments about etiquette…so…

my sister is a ginormous slutbag. she is awesome, so funny, smart, and a good and loyal person. but she is a revolving door of dudes. often 20 years older than her, dirty, hillbilly trashbags. but guess what. she’s my bridesmaid and she gets a +1. and i don’t get to choose who it is

other bridesmaid is pregnant. the guy who knocked her up is a total trashbag with three snakebites (google it), huge gauged ears, we have never gotten along. he’s useless, and a leach on society. but guess what. she’s bringing him. and i don’t get to choose.

it sucks, but its how it is! it could be much worse. he’ll have someone to dance with that he likes, and that’s how it should be. at least they won’t be hot messes like my two BM’s are bringing. :p

Post # 7
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @jo_5537:  lol, vent away… Weddings can be stressful (it will be over soon, I promise)

Glad I was able to help

Sounds like you are well covered in that the only people in your Bridal Party who got a Plus One are actually both in your Bridal Party… so their plus one is each other.

Problem solved… the statement will work then

“Sorry, but we haven’t allowed any plus ones for our Bridal Party”

As I’ve said, your Fiance has to deliver it.

By The Way… I’ve seen these things go bad (if John is a jerk… and by all accounts he may be)

How bad will things be for you guys if John gets p!ssed and says “Then you know what screw you… I’m not gonna be a Groomsman”

I hope you won’t be hung out to dry… and it would ruin things (the look) of your Wedding with such short amount of time to go until mid October

Lol, on the PLUS SIDE tho, if John was to say / do such a thing… your Fiance could quickly pipe back “Well then, don’t bother coming at all… cause your invite is off the table”

He needs to be prepared for that scenario !!  So you’ll want to brief him.

Problem solved.  No John.  No drama.  And no doubt the future of this friendship would be done with once and for all

Life is like that sometimes… we outgrow people.  And Weddings / Marriage is one of those occasions where our life takes a shift (in a good way) and sometimes that means a change in status not only marital, but in regards to friendships too.

(( HUGS )) as they say… this too shall pass, and you’ll be MRS JO in no time.


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