Post # 1
Hi Bees! This is my first time here and I need some outsider perspective.
My fiance and I have been engaged since May – our wedding is in September, 2015. We each have 4 attendants. My bridesmaids have been awesome! I wish I could say the same for his groomsmen. Three of his groomsmen he has known since highschool. We are in our late twenties/early thirties now, so they have been friends for 15+ years. One has gone on a “I hate your bride” camapaign and has been spreading lies and mistruths about me, and twisting the things I say and do so that I look like the bad guy. He’s recruited the other two (one of the groomsmen has managed to stay away from the drama – thank goodness!) on his campaign. This particular groomsmen and I are two totally different people (I am employed, have a master’s degree, driven, motivated. He has been unemployed for almost 3 years, has his GED, was recently dumped by his fiance, and living in my fiance’s parents basement.) I think he is unhappy with himself and is lashing out at someone who is happy, and that person just happens to be me.
The problem is – my fiance is crushed. He’s so hurt to hear that the 3 of them sit around and bash me for hours on end when he’s not around. And since this groomsmen lives with F’s parents, he’s even talked poorly about me to his Dad. My fiance has gone to bat for me – he knows the person I am and has spent hours arguing with him over the garbage he’s been saying. My Fiance told me last night he’s going to ask him to step down from the bridal party and possibly even disinvite him from the wedding. And he’s going to talk to the other two and give them the choice – either smarten up and be supportive, or step down.
How do I support my fiance through this? He has been crying almost every night, on the phone arguing with them, not sleeping well, and now not wanting to go visit his parents. I love him to pieces and it crushes me to see these long friendships end because of me (I know it’s not a reflection on me… but it’s hard to be the reason).
Has anyone been through similar situations?
Post # 2
soontobemrsKB92615: I haven’t been in a similar situation, but I applaud your FI for standing up for you. It’s going to be hard for him right now becuase he’s torn, but he is doing the right thing. Would it be helpful to get you, your FI, and the groomsmen together to try to work some of this out? They obviously have misinfoirmation (you say), and if that is true, perhaps you guys can help them work through some of that. It might help clear the air and get you all back on track. It might also help your FI to see you are also dedicated to playing nice.
Post # 3
Yikes, those guys sound like a bunch of DB’s and even though they’ve been friends for so long, it sounds like they’re just not supportive/jealous of your FI’s new (better?) life and don’t know how to act anymore. Maybe they’re actually afraid of losing his friendship now that he’ll be “tied-down.” He’s better off without them for now.
But to answer your question, I would just be a shoulder to cry on and lend a listening ear for now. There isn’t really you can say to make him feel better. Just be supportive of whatever he decides. Perhaps when these guys grow up, they will become friends again.
Post # 4
soontobemrsKB92615: Is it that they genuinely don’t like you or is it just the mindset that you are “stealing him away” so to speak? If it’s the latter, don’t worry, it’ll pass. I don’t know the details of your relationship but the best thing that you can do for your FI is allow him to split his time between you and his friends, even if you don’t like them. I won’t assume you are like this but there are a lot of women who don’t want their men going anywhere without them and it destroys his friendships. Tell him that you don’t care enough about their teasing to take it to heart, and that all that matters is how he feels about you.
Post # 5
megz06: He’s a keeper – that’s for sure! I have sat down with the one groomsmen to discuss what the real problem was. He took this as an opportunity to tell me how bad I am as a person and many nasty names. When I asked him for examples or clarification of these mean and nasty things he’s accusing me of, he couldn’t think of any. He would switch the topic right away to divert from the fact that he had no proof or evidence of what he was saying. Getting all of us together to chat is something I didn’t consider – thank you for your suggestion! I think that’s a great idea! If it doesn’t go well, at least I know that my conscious is clear and I have done all I can to try and play nice.
Post # 6
Aquaria: He thinks I am stealing him away from them. He’s commented that he wishes things could go back to the way they used to be. Just over a year ago we moved from the small town they live in to a bigger city for a new job opportunity for me, and for my FI to go back to school to do something he loves. We’ve “moved on” so to speak and he’s still stuck behind – and I think that’s part of the problem. My FI has done an excellent job of keeping in touch and spending any weekend he can at his parents house so they can all hang out. I don’t hang out with the four of them or intrude on their “guy time”. Mostly because I don’t feel welcome, but also because it’s healthy to have friendships outside of the relationship. We’ve been together for 7 years and our lives have changed so much (from University students, to professionals) and I think the progression of our lives have been natural. I think it’s important to note that we are both happy with the state of our relationship. We work together as a team and are focused on building a stable life (financially and emotionally) for our future family. It’s just hard to see him cry and not know how to help.
Post # 7
What is it about guys and being so negative about change??!?! You’re FI sounds awesome and I’m sorry you’re going through this but it sounds like your relationship is still staying strong throughout.
My situation is slightly simliar. my FI is very young and the first of his friends to get engaged so it was a big adjustment for them all. he stopped partying with them, stopped drinking (just socially one or two drinks now, i haven’t seen him drunk in over a year) and really grew up fast because of the fast change a lot of his friends think I’m a bad influence on him and my FI “doesnt have any fun like he use to” …. what they don’t understand is we now have common goals, we want to buy a house, we want to start a life together and that doesn’t really include going out and spending $100 on drinks anymore. Some people have a hard time looking outside their own situation and its just too bad.
First off why he’s living with your FFIL?!?!… that is YOUR Future father and mother (in-law)… they don’t need to hear that crap, I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
Next you need to figure out if this is just a rough patch he’s going through or if this is how he’ll be for the rest of your lives… is this someone who’s going to be negative at every happy event you have?!? If so, I wouldn’t want someone like that around my children.
If its just a faze I’d stick by him as a friend and show him that even if he is an ass you’re still his friends and he needs to get over himself… your FI definitely needs to break up whatever anti-bride thing the groomsmen got going on and tell the other guys to smarten up. sparate this guy from them and basically bitch him out. That isn’t someone I’d want standing up there with me when I said my vows and he should know how serious it is.
You derserve better from your wedding party.
Post # 8
SimpleCountryLife: I think you’ve nailed it! Change isn’t always bad! They have been friends since highschool and now that the groomsman’s fiance dumped him, he wants everything to “go back to normal” aka going out and drinking every weekend, spending days sitting at home ordering pizza and playing video games. All of that was fine when you’re 20 years old, but at 30, we have jobs, and responsibilities to worry about – not video games! I don’t understand why you or I would be pegged as “bad influences”. Honestly, it looks like they are the bad influences!
As for why he’s living with my in laws – they “adopted” him in highschool after his father passed away. So they have been acting has his parents for 15+ years (including financially supporting him). FI and Groomsman are “like brothers” which makes this even more heartbreaking! I would hate it if my brother was acting like this! Groomsman and I have never seen eye to eye.
Since I wrote this FI has asked him to step down and he’s now said that he thinks FI marrying me would be the biggest mistake of his life. My heart is breaking for my FI. He’s such a strong and loving man. He doesn’t deserve this garbage from his friend.