(Closed) Groomsmen Said No

posted 4 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
46653 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

FutureBride625:  He might not be able to make the wedding at all, but you still wanted him to say yes to being a groomsman?

You were not rejected by your brother. He seems to have common sense enough to not want you to rely on him when he doesn’t even know if he can attend at all.

Which would you rather have= him backing out now or at the last minute? If he is able to make the wedding, you can always add him as a groomsman.

Post # 3
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Was he apologetic when he declined? Guys don’t always get as sentimental about stuff. Maybe talk to him about how you feel and that will help. 

But most importantly… Don’t think of it as a rejection! If he’s in a position where he can’t commit to being able to be there, you can’t take it personally. If he commits and pays for a tux/suit rental. you start making more plans and it turns out he can’t make it, then everyone will be more upset in the end. It takes a lot of worry and pressure off of both of you.

If he has rejected saying he didn’t want to, that’s a different story. Don’t let this upset you and cause any issues in your relationship with your brother. No one is obligated to be in your wedding party. The only people you need to make it perfect are you and your groom! 

Post # 4
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

FutureBride625:  We have a slightly different issue going on. My Fiance asked all his men last November to be groomsmen for our wedding which is 34 days. All of them said yes, all were sent info and group numbers to Menswear House last November, all were invited to the bacholer party, all saw their name and picture on the wedding website. A couple of days ago a friend of mine who is friends with one of the Groomsmen stated that he was indeed coming to the wedding but he wasn’t in the wedding. Wait what??? Come to find out he is saying he isn’t in the wedding because my Fiance never sent him the info for the suit, so he assumed he wasn’t in it. My Fiance who saves all emails, found the email from last November where this Groomsmen acknowledged getting the info and said that he would go this October for the fitting. So I have a Groomsmen who said yes but is now saying no.

As for your brother it does sound like he is only saying no because he can’t confirm that he will be actually be able to be there on your wedding day due to being in the Navy. Would you guys mind him having the title of groomsman and not being able to attend or participate? If so, maybe you can tell him that.

Post # 5
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My FI’s brother said “no” to being his best man over the most PETTY thing you could possibly think of. His feelings were hurt really bad.


it sounds like your brother said “no” more to save you guys from hassle than anything, it doesn’t sound like it was personal.

Post # 6
7358 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You weren’t rejected. Your brother can’t make the commitment and he’s being honest with you. Try not to let it bother you. 

Post # 7
7520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My Darling Husband had to decline to be a groomsman in our friend’s wedding. I was due with our daughter that week and the wedding was 3 hours away. The couple completely understood. Because thats how life is. Darling Husband was able to attend the wedding as a guest, although I stayed home as I was super huge and uncomfortable and had the baby 4 days later. Your brother has a valid excuse.

Post # 8
4712 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You shouldn’t find this to be embarassing, but be thankful that he was honest with you.  If there’s a chance he won’t make it, it’s likely he’s doing you a favor!  It sounds like he wants to support you in any way he can, but this might not be ideal for him.

Post # 10
9114 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My husband is in the Navy and he’s gone a lot. He too has to decline a lot of things because we simply don’t know if he’ll be around to do it. Sounds like your brother is just being a reasonable guy.

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Post # 11
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

FutureBride625:  I had a somewhat similar situation – one of my childhood best friends was Active duty Air Force and she was in a state of flux between training and her permanent duty station. Added to that, we were having a Destination Wedding. I still wanted to honor her as a bridesmaid, even if she wasn’t able to make it. In the program, I had her title as “Bridesmaid-from-afar”

Also, with the military it is extremely difficult to have leave verified until at a minimum a month out from the date. Even at that, it can still be cancelled last minute for whatever reason. All that definitely makes it hard to commit to something so important!

What if you asked your brother how he felt about proceeding as a groomsman, but he could wear one of his dress uniforms if he is able to come. That way, he doesn’t have to risk wasting any money on a tux rental, etc., and if it works out, it works out, no pressure.

Post # 12
2715 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

FutureBride625:  Yeah, it sounds like he just couldn’t commit and thought it’d be best if just said no.  He probably didn’t want to be that guy who has to drop out 2 months before he wedding because he is being deployed.  Definitely don’t take it personally!

I would suggest asking your brother if he wants to be an honorary Groomsmen, and if can make it to the wedding then he can stand up and if not then that’s ok. 

Post # 13
1164 posts
Bumble bee

FutureBride625:  If it bothers you that much, talk to him and say you don’t care about even numbers or any of that stuff but if he can come tot the wedding you’d like him to be a groomsman and if he finds out closer to the wedding that he can’t come you’ll just not have him as a groomsman. I’m not sure why you need to know for certain either way until the time when you have to tell your venue whether or not to cook him a meal so make sure your brother understands that

Post # 14
5958 posts
Bee Keeper

FutureBride625:  Don’t take it personally, he’s in the Navy, he probably doesnt’ want to commit to soemthing long term in the fear that he can’t commit fully.  There are several posts on here by women where their whatever, bridesmaids, maids of honors, etc committed originally but just half-assed it the entire time.  He probably doesn’t want to get your hopes up that he can make it and then turns around and can’t make it.

Post # 15
11657 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

FutureBride625:  My brother had to miss our wedding and it sucks he wasn’t there.  I know how you feel, you just assume that he’s going to be there. 

I would plan as if he can’t make it, and if it turns out he can be there I’m sure you can find a meaningful way to include him in your day or add another groomsman at the last minue (the sides don’t have to balance).

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