(Closed) Grrrr….Grouchy FI

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
9080 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Leave him alone.

 

As a wife of a man who often has incredibly stressful days, trust me when I say they need to veg out.

 

Seriously. I’m not trying to be bitchy or snarky to you, you need to let this go. Wedding planning is stressful and so is homemaking. But being a homemaker is not as stressful as his job. You’re stressed too, but taking it out on him, who is already under a massive workload, is not the thing to do. Think about if the roles were reversed. Honestly think about it. You wouldn’t be sunshine and rainbows and talking to him in a sing-song voice like snow white. Let him finish his job and you’ll see him go back to normal.

ETA: I’ve been there. I’m a housewife. I planned my wedding alone. My husband not only was incredibly stressed, he was deployed. I get that you’re stressed — I 100% know how you feel. I get that you feel alone and tired and stressed and you’re angry at him. But trust me, planning a wedding is a cakewalk compared to some jobs and projects. You can put down wedding planning for a while. He can’t necessarily put off a project.

Post # 19
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@littleacorn:  Actually, your Fiance sounds like ME. 🙁 I have a tendency to get snappy at Fiance when stressed.

Post # 24
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@inky_1:  Me too, I get grumpy when I’m stressed (also when I’m tired or hungry, poor husband!!), but I’ve always been that way (the whole 7 years we were together), he knows it, and I’m working on it. I’ve never been that grumpy for that long though thankfully! Try giving him some space and be as supportive as possible, I know it’s hard but he seems like he probably needs it right now. Try talking to him when he has a grump free moment.

Post # 25
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

“I know he’s super-stressed, but it’s frustrating for me, b/c I am juggling all the wedding planning right now, do all the groceries, make meals 3-4 times a week and am now doing dishes and even had to take out the garbage yesterday. So, I’m super-stressed too.”

Your list makes it seem like you are trying to make this a competition between the two of you over who has the most stress.  I am not saying you are not stressed, but obviously everything you are dealing with is not impacting you on the level that it impacts him.  As his future wife I think it would only be natural to try to pick up some of his slack when you can if you know he has a lot on his plate – if you think of taking out the garbage as a nice thing you did to help him out (assuming this is normally his responsibility) instead of “I even had to take out the garbage!” it will probably make you feel less resentful.

I’m not trying to say his behavior is okay or an effective way to deal with being stressed out, but I agree with the other Bees that I would wait til after the project is over to really discuss this and so all you can really work on now is how you react to his actions.

Post # 26
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
@littleacorn:  I actually wasn’t defensive about it, but I’m pretty self aware about things like that.  I think just a simple approach would be best. 

“I’m really glad that project is over with, it seemed very stressful to you.  I was thinking about how I can avoid adding any stress in the future when you’re in work situations like that. Do you think it would be best if I just backed off and gave you some space?  If so, a heads up would be great, so we’re all on the same page. :)”

Basically, if you put it out there that you’re open to letting him quietly work through it on his own, if that’s what he’d prefer, it should allow him to let you know if that’s what he wants or not.  Just make sure he realizes it’s simpler if he’s able to let you know it’s “one of those times”, instead of you trying to guess. 

Post # 27
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

That’s not OK for him to expect that much of you AND take out his stress on you. This is indicative of his behavior during stressful times in the future. Consider if you ask him for help with a future baby and he treats you this way. Saying he is “grumpy under stress” is making an excuse for him.

I would not consider marrying him unless he truly listened to my concerns and changed his ways or I could accept his mistreatment. I know which way I’m leaning. 

Post # 29
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
@littleacorn:  If it’s any comfort, the similar reaction to stress that I have is really just a work thing.  It’s like that is the section of my life that is ‘allowed’ to stress me out.

When push comes to shove, and it’s something serious in my personal life (eg. someone in the hospital, or if you have a baby, etc.) I handle it like a champ.  Smile

Post # 30
Member
9080 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

View original reply
@littleacorn:  Your stress is not more important than his stress. Again, I get it. You’re stressed. It happens. But what good will snarling at him and giving the cold shoulder do? Building resentment is not a good way to start off a marriage. Just sayin.

Post # 31
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

that sucks. my fi gets terribly grouchy aswell and it’s horrible.

i always joke with him that he’s turning into his dad, And he is.

its awful…but i mostly just ignore him when  hes like that. best way.

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