Post # 1
My wedding is in one week from yesterday, so yup…six days. We had such a hard time figuring out the guest list because we wanted a small wedding and we both come from large families. There were a few friends we left off the list. These are not close friends, merely acquaintances.
My Fiance gets a text last night from one of our guests asking if he can bring a mutual friend as a +1. We told him we already sent in the numbers to the caterers and seating was done, but she could come for dancing afterwards (honestly, just trying to be polite). Now, ANOTHER girl who is also friends with the same crew asked if the dancing was ‘open to everyone’ and if she can come too. WTF? This isn’t a party, its a wedding! I can’t believe these people think its OK to invite themselves. If we wanted to invite them, we would have. GRRR. So even though they’re not coming for dinner, we have to pay for drinks for these party crashers.
I still can’t get over it. I know I don’t have the balls to text my way into someone’s wedding.
Also, we felt bad not including all our friends in our wedding, so we had a large housewarming party when Fiance and I moved into our new apt. They know that we’re trying to keep the wedding small.
Post # 3
I say don’t even let that one person come in after dinner for dancing. If you do, you send a signal that anyone can come. I know it is hard to say no but it is your day and they should respect that.
Post # 4
Why don’t you just say No?
Post # 5
I sure hope you put your foot down and told the party crasher that she isn’t welcome! I saw an old friend this weekend, who i haven’t seen in 2 yrs. She hasn’t even met my second child yet, who just turned 1! and she had the balls to tell me that she “better be invited to my wedding” umm excuse me?? the only person who has a right to tell me who to invite to the wedding is my SO and my father, cuz he’s the one paying for it. And my father doesn’t want to invite ANY of his friends, only family.
Post # 6
i can completely understand your anger – people are just so stupid when it comes to weddings. It is inappropriate for them to be asking and also more expense for you.
Completely up to you if you tell them no or it’s ok. If you think it’s going to annoy you on your day, might be best to call them and tell them that you’ve changed your mind and probably not really something you’re comfortable with.
It’s your day hun, don’t let others spoil it!
Post # 7
I understand that’s frustrating but here a different way to think about it…
These people want to celebrate with you!!
I know I know, they are going about it in the wrong way. but these friends genuinly want to take part in your day and a be a part of the celebration. It’s annoying for you, but try to realize it comes from a good place.
Post # 8
What confuses me is why anybody would want to go to a wedding they were not formally invited to.
Post # 9
It seems like manners have gone out the windows these days! I would never go to a wedding I wasn’t specifically invited too. Its a celebration of two people’s marriage not a dance party for whoever.
I’ve been “invited” to a wedding by an invitation being posted on a bulletin board where I work! I didn’t go to the wedding because I wasn’t very close to the girl at the time and I just thought it was weird that she was saying “whoever wants to come is invited”. I’m sharing this because I think its becoming a common mentality in people of marriagable age… so I’m wondering if these random texters are thinking of weddings in this way too. The free for all dance party.
Post # 10
I think it’s more complex than that “manners are dead”. Manners certainly do still exist: people are still out their teaching their children to say please and thank-you, and people still hold open the door for the person behind them. Admittedly not to the same extent everywhere: whereas in my American great-grandniece’s primary school class not a single child of 28 said thank-you to the lunch-lady (I counted); buying a chocolat bar in Canada can involve two “pleases”, eight “thank-yous” and a “you’re welcome” (I counted that, too!) and Canadians do routinely say “Sorry” to people who bump into them and even to mailboxes that they bump into themselves. But there’s been a shift in thinking, in general, from focussing on Obligations to focussing on Entitlements. And etiquette is one of the victims of that shift, because etiquette is all about helping people identify their *obligations*, and overlook any infringement of their *entitlement*.
Look at the discussion about spelling people’s names right. Bride’s, you DO have an obligation to show that level of common decency to your guests. But the discussion seems to have been heard as “ain’t I entitled to the right spelling?” — in which case posters have quite correctly been responding “but it isn’t a big deal”.
Now, under olden-day manners, a hostess has an *obligation* to invite to her wedding everyone in her social circles. In villages where weddings were (and still are) held in the little church, everyone comes and afterward everyone partied together on the common or in the church hall: it was always pretty much an open invitation — always meaning, for centuries.
Weddings for the rich, held in grand ballrooms, were of course more exclusive. But even then a hostess couldn’t decide to leave out anyone of her social circle. She had *obligations*, neatly recorded in her visiting book and carefully managed. But see how often on these boards we read the advice that a bride should NOT include “obligation” invitations on her guest list! That’s that shift away from obligation, to the sense of entitlement. And while it’s true that weddings are expensive and most of us are not filthy rich, the fact is that we feel entitled to special pageantry even at the expense of leaving out part of our social circle, instead of doing something plainer that could include more people. And at the same time, our social circles are expanding globally as we “friend” people we have barely met, and become instant intimates with casual acquaintances and co-workers.
What we have now is a “global village” where the “village brides” are putting on manor-house weddings without the manor-house wherewithall. It’s a mix of inconsistent styles and expectations, which must inevitably cause social stress. Yes, non-guests who feel entitled to an invitation are part of the problem. But which came first: the chicken or the egg.
Post # 11
@Jrzygurl: I originally thought that as well, however, I’m now pretty convinced these ladies want to come because their other friends will be there, not because of our wedding. They are only acquaintances, and I think they just don’t want to be left out of the fun.
What a lame reason for coming! Not to mention the added expense on our part…People don’t realize the amount of work and planning that goes into a wedding. Its not just a free for all dance party/open bar.
Either way, I already said yes to the one, so I told the other one a very coerced ‘I guess, if you REALLY want to.’ I hope they get the picture. I just couldn’t bring myself to say no!