(Closed) GRUMP: Thanks are responsibility of Bride AND Groom

posted 9 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 17
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Oh don’t even get me started. If my husband really wrote his it would take two years.  It is like pulling teeth and I end up writing extremely generic ones to people I have never freaking met!!! Ugh.

Post # 18
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oy. We didn’t have an engagement party, but in his family’s circle, apparently it’s traditional to send engagement presents regardless. So, 80% of the gifts we have received were from someone I have not met. It didn’t seem right to me that they would want to hear from me when my fiance is the reason they sent the gift in the first place. We struggled with this quite a bit (mostly because I’m a stickler for getting cards in the mail ASAP and he didn’t see the need to rush – he claimed he was willing to write them….later), ultimately he wrote about half. But it was a case by case argument.

I have no good advice, but feel your pain. And I’m not looking forward to going through this again with the wedding thank you notes (I know the thank you notes from the shower are going to be all me).

I’m sure traditionally it is the bride’s responsibility (I love Crane’s Blue Book, but the emphasis on women being the social secretary of the home is a bit out-dated), but I’m all for a bit more equity in this regard.

ETA: Oh this part killed me…. for the cards I did write myself to his family’s friends, I usually signed my name and if he was home, had him sign his own. When he wasn’t around, I signed both of our names and sealed the envelope. When the latter happened, he felt really left-out — and I think was the motivation for him to write more of his own!

Post # 19
6377 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I wrote all of our thank you cards for both the shower and the wedding. It would have been nice if he helped but I didn’t really expect him to. I have better handwriting anyway. As for TY’s we’ve received, they’ve always come from the bride regardless of whose “side” we were on. The only exception was my Brother-In-Law & SIL’s wedding and our thank you came from my Brother-In-Law. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wrote out all of their TY’s since he has nice handwriting (seriously, it’s like a girls) and my SIL tends to slack on this kind of stuff.

I did put my foot down when it came to the TY’s for our parents and Bridal Party that were included in their gifts at the Rehearsal Dinner (just for their roles, nothing to do with the gifts they’d given us). I wrote out all of mine and told him to write his but he wouldn’t. He told me to write them but what the hell am I going to say to his parents and GM? I said screw that and wrote out the TY’s for my people and his got nothing. I think his mother was a little hurt when my mom was reading the heartfelt Thank You that I had written her and she didn’t have anything like that but oh well. Not my fault her son couldn’t take 5 minutes to scribble some crap onto a notecard. 

Post # 20
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Haha I didn’t even ask him to write thank you notes. I have to heavily edit any papers he writes and “translate the caveman speak” – he’s good conceptually, but sentence structure and grammar are pretty rough around the edges. I did make him sign all the thank you’s though 🙂

Post # 22
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

When we assembled our invitations, they were layered and I created an assembly line-esque set up (my sister and her bf stamped all the envelopes, my father placed the RSVP cards with the little envelopes, my FH aligned the card and glued it to its backing and i tied all the ribbons and assembled) so I’m hoping that when we have a ton of TYs to write for the wedding, we can do something like that between me and him. He might be started police academy 10 days after our wedding though, so it might be all on me. I love writing them though – even though I have bad arthritis in my right hand, I love writing thank you notes and had my shower TYs out within 5 days of my shower :). But in your case, girl, I don’t blame you for wanting your hubby to write the thank you notes! When they have some free time and good handwriting, it’s fair game all the way!!

Post # 23
2294 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My hubby wrote all the ones to our Dutch friends and family that gave gifts.  lol My Dutch is very limited and it just made sense for him to write those.  😛  He was pretty good about it!

Post # 24
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I completely agree! My hubby wrote exactly half of them when we got married. We got them done/mailed within the first week of getting married. He hates writing thank you’s, but I really think it’s important– like you said, OP, they’re enjoying the gifts too!

Post # 25
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  I am hoping that my Fiance will help me write the thank you notes. We each had a work shower, and he took responsibility for writing his notes. I’m hoping that we will split the note writing for after the wedding!

Post # 26
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I hear ya.  My spouse thankfully understood the necessity of the thank yous (except wondered why I wrote them at Christmas… hrmmm).  That said, my spouse has a minor disability affecting the last finger joint and therefore actually writes like a five year old.  I was repeatedly told from the outset that I would have to write them all.  *sigh*  I was not stoked about this idea.  There were also no thank you notes to my spouse’s attendants, I wasn’t going to do those as well.  I did write the thank yous for those that gave gifts.  

Post # 27
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

FH and I have not received many gifts at this point.  We DID get a gift from his grandparents.  He KNEW the importance of a thank you.  He even picked the stationary.  But he refused to just write the darn thing.  After 4 days of me reminding him, I began to ask what he wanted me to write.  That lasted another full day then I just wrote the note myself, marched it over to him while he was at work (we worked in the same building at the time) – because I knew he wouldn’t make a fuss (Hey, I waited until we were both on our lunch breaks!) and handed him a pen.  I refused to sign his name for him.  His grandparents would KNOW. 

I told him to mail the card. A week later I was standing beside him when he hand delivered it.  I was more than a little embarrassed.  Especially since his grandmother raised her eyebrow at the stamped envelope with the worn corners from too much time in a bag.

Men might know that these things are important, but they also know that bad thank you etiquette reflects more on us than it does on them.  Eventually we’ll do it, because we care.

Post # 28
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OMG don’t get me started on this.  Not only did I have to nag my husband incessantly about this, but he also refused to let me write them for him.  He had this whole thing about wanting to personalize each note, etc., but then he also procrastinated them TERRIBLY.  We only had an 80-person wedding.  The task was not that overwhelming.  I think I wrote something like 60 notes to his 30.  Mine were done within 2 months of our wedding, and his last 5-10 notes weren’t mailed until around the 5- or 6-month mark.  It was so embarrassing!  I don’t think he understood that it reflects on me, too, to have the notes so delayed.  I tried everything.  I tried joking about it.  I tried setting interim deadlines.  I tried making bets.  Nothing worked!

We split it up by our sides, except that he wrote to my parents and sister, and I wrote his mom and his grandmother.  We agreed on that in advance, so I’m not complaining that I had more to write than he did.  I’m simply complaining that it took him more than twice as long to write half the number of notes!

Even a few weeks ago he commented on how relieved he is that I don’t have to nag him about thank you notes any more.  The drama was unbelievable!!!!

Post # 29
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wrote pretty much all of ours, DH was excused after thanking his fraternity brother for the badass gravy boat. I even wrote our note to his parents, haha. At the time he was working way more hours than I was and as a teacher I’d had winter break to knock them out.

It didn’t really bother me–the way I looked at it, I’m going to get a lot more enjoyment out of probably 80% of our physical gifts (kitchen stuff, decorative items, etc) so I may as well be the one to thank people.

Post # 30
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I completely agree, and I guess I should feel lucky that DH was just as grateful as I was and happily wrote out thank you notes to all the guests on his side.  In fact, he finished before me (he had fewer to write) and offered to write some of mine!  I suggest making a “template” or guideline of what he should write, and then just sit down in front of the TV and do it together a few nights a week. 

Post # 31
41 posts
  • Wedding: September 2011

We each did our own side, I hate writing thank you cards so there is no way I was going to do them all.  I like to write a nice personal note and I knew doing his side would be hard for me.  I think he might have finished his before I did (sometimes I would procrastinate).  He’s pretty good about sending out thank you cards in general so it was only natural for him to help.

Also his hand writing is pretty bad but for me it was more important for the thank you’s to be personal than it was for the hand writing to look nice.  Personally I’d rather get an ugly card with a nice personal note then a pretty card with a very generic message.

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