Post # 1
I need some advice on how to deal with a grumpy bridesmaid. Said bridesmaid originally told me she was thrilled to be a bridesmaid and had never been asked and jumped up and down. However last week she told me that if she had had her assertiveness training three monthes ago when I asked her, she would have insisted that she could wear whatever dress she wanted (I let my maids pick any dress in the same color from David’s, so they were affordable and I offered to pay for them if they needed help- she got her’s off ebay for $50) and would have told me how unreasonable I was being by asking them to buy dresses. I bit my tougue and said that my parents, who are funding the wedding, wanted a coordinated look (which is true, but I also want it). I offered to pay her back for the dress but she declined. Yesterday I sent an email to the bridesmaids offering to buy them earrings for gifts and asking would they please pick some out from an etsy site. She replied that they were not her style and would I please stop "trying to dress us all like little verisons of you!" I’m kind of at a loss here what to do- She is increasingly hostle, but alternates with more polite behavior- she is now refusing to attend the rehersal/ bridesmaid party after the rehersal because she wants to see friends in town that evening. I feel that I have been really fair offering to pay for a dress, letting her know up-front that she would have to wear one that coordinated and letting the bridesmaids choose their gifts. I guess I just don’t know how to politely be assertive about this situation. I’d really really like to not have grumpiness and outbursts at the wedding. I expect those from some heavy-drinking family members, I’d kind of like the maids to have my back that day = )
Any suggestions? I’m really trying to be nice and make the bridesmaids feel loved, but this one seems so hard to please.
Post # 3
It’s quite reasonable for you to pick the bridesmaid dresses without input from all of the girls, since it is quite difficult to choose one dress that everyone will like. You need to be sensitive to the financial needs of your bridesmaids, and not choose an expensive dress unless that is something that everyone wants to spend and can afford (or you will pay for). I don’t know exactly what a David’s Bridal bridesmaid dress costs, but I am assuming that it is quite reasonably priced. If that is the case, then the bridesmaid needs to suck it up and wear the dress with a cheerful smile even if she hates it. Her behavior regarding the dress (assuming she is not unemployed or a student and can afford it) and rehearsal dinner is quite poor. You might want to ask her flat out is there anything she needs to talk about with you. I’m sensing a lot of hostility on her part, which may not have anything to do with you since it doesn’t sound like you have done anything wrong. Weddings can sometimes bring out a lot of hostility and anger in people if they are upset that they aren’t married, or if they are unhappy with their own marriages.
I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. Good luck!
Post # 4
Ummm…I’m sorry, but what is this girl’s problem? What exactly is assertiveness training?
I agree with professorbee – I think the best thing to do is say something along the lines of you’ve noticed that she’s seemed a little hostile when it comes to wedding-related conversations, and you’re disappointed that she is not coming to the rehearsal/party when she used to seem so excited about being a bridesmaid, and what gives? Maybe this will give her an opportunity to tell you something she’s been needing to say.
Post # 5
Wow, she does seem a bit hostile. Is there something else that could be actually bothering her, but she’s taking it out on your decisions for your Bridesmaid or Best Man attire?
Post # 6
If she’s never been a bridesmaid, maybe she doesn’t know any better. Have you confided in your MOH? Maybe she could knock some sense into her.
Post # 7
Sorry you have to be burdened with this (her).
Bottom line is, Friends don’t treat friends like that. (You shouldn’t treat anyone like that, but this is about friends.)
Don’t let her treat you like that…you are not out of line, and she really needs to learn that being assertive (in her life) has its own time and place and it doesn’t mean being ugly, bossy and mean–especially when it hurts someone you care about. Talk to her right away, and see if you can come to a compromise. Good luck, and happy wedding.
Post # 8
It definitely sounds like this girl has absolutely no clue what being a bridesmaid entails. Since she had no problem saying what her assertiveness training taught her, maybe you could just link her to one of the bridesmaid pages on theknot.com. I believe there’s a whole article listing duties, including sucking it up and shutting up about the dress/shoes/jewelry.
Post # 9
Does she have a past of historically being a pushover? It sounds like she’s gone way overboard with the assertiveness training, but apparently, I’ve been told I’ve never known anyone directly, that’s not uncommon when people start trying to assert themselves. So I’m guessing that’s really what’s going on. And most likely she’s never been a Bridesmaid or Best Man before.
Now how to handle it, I’m not sure. Do other BM’s know she’s being this way? Maybe one of them can forward an email to all the BM’s listing Bridesmaid or Best Man duties…I don’t know how to do that subtly, but maybe even as a joke. Hopefully she’d look at it at least and realize that you’ve actually been more generous than is typically expected of a bride.
Something like these:
Post # 10
Oof. Unless she looks really really really bad in the color you chose (like, personally, I look sick in champagne/beige, I could actually get out of class in high school if I wore something in those colors because they looked so bad on me that my teachers thought I was ill) then you are being really reasonable and she’s totally out of line with this. I’d sit down with her and find out what’s really going on. Maybe it is just that she’s overcompensating for past passiveness, but it honestly sounds like something else is up and she’s taking it out on this.
Post # 11
She’s off her meds.
Part of being a bridesmaid is biting your tongue and wearing what the bride requests within reason…I mean you’re not asking her to dress up like a Las Vegas show girl or an a Santa Claus suit or anything.
In my fantasty, you would tell her to either suck it up or not be a bridesmaid. I would also ask her if they let her wear whatever she wants at Assertive Training classes.
Post # 12
I actually agree with GaBGal. At the least, I think that she is clueless as to the customs of Bridesmaid or Best Man duties and requirements. Maybe there’s something beyond that too. But since she said she’s never been a Bm before, I’m guessing all she was thinking about was wearing a pretty dress and standing up in front of people, grabbing a little more attention than the average guest. If you haven’t already, I’d sit her down and tell her what you need from her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If she is unwilling to do that, I would offer to pay for her dress (for her not to be in the wedding -since you were going to offer to pay in the firt place.) It will beeasier on everyt=one, and that money will be well spent to keep her from being such a pain in your side.
Post # 13
I think if she doesn’t shape up a de bridesmaiding is in order. Being a bridesmaid is a gift the bridesmaid gives to a friend or sister. It is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly! It is not not an obligation a bride has to honor some girls. if your relationship is so bad she couyld be so rude to you and not care she doesn’t sound like bridesmaid material.
Post # 14
ew- no wonder no one has asked her! she sounds horrible. I would tell her to hit the road. Seriously-she is really rude and out of line.
Post # 15
I SAY YOU GET RID OF HER SHE IS JEALOUS . BRIDESMAIDS KNOW THAT THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BUY DRESSES IN MOST CASE AND THEY SHOULD ALSO KNOW THAT THEY HAVE TO WEAR JEWELRY AND NORMALLY THE BRIDES PICKS IT AS WELL SHE IS TO HOSTILE . THIS IS YOUR DAY AND THE LAST THING THAT YOU NEED IS ONE MORE PERSON STRESSING YOU OUT !!!
Post # 16
Wow…this girls behaviour is totally uncalled for. When you agree to being a bridesmaid, you agree to everything that comes with it. In my circles, that means presuming you’ll have to pay for your dress and shoes of the BRIDES choosing, it’s your day…not hers. And I don’t understand the comment about "trying to make everyone look like little versions of you" well DUH the wedding is SUPPOSED to reflect the style of you and your FI!!!!!!! I would give this girl an ultimatum, she can either stop complaining and happily take part from here on out, or remove herself from the wedding party, no bride needs that stress. I know it sounds harsh, but you don’t deserve to be treated that way.