Post # 16
I think the gift thing is the deciding factor – many people would feel obligated to send a gift if they were invited to a wedding (even if they don’t come). You can’t know if she’s in that camp, and if she is, an invitation is another reminder of the consequences of breaking up with her ex (awkward enough on its own) AND she’s out money for a gift for a couple she only knew through him. It’s very unlikely she comes to the wedding, so she gets nothing out of it.
I’d err on the side of not inviting her – she’s very likely not to be offended by that and you get to avoid her feeling awkward or obligated. I think the STD->invitation rule is important to follow in terms of not cutting people out because you reconsider budget/space, etc. or because you decide they’re no longer close enough friends. Those are bad reasons, and unkind (barring super unusual circumstances). I don’t think it’s worth being ironclad about in situations like this because I think not inviting her is actually the kinder thing to do, and that is the point of etiquette in the first place.
If you want reassurance, you could ask your friend what he thinks.
Post # 17
Daizy914: Your case was different, as you’d actually befriended her. The OP is not friends with the girl in this case, and only invited her as a courtesy. So, I’d say only invite the guy friend.
Post # 18
piercetheveil: I would not invite her. We are going through this exact situation, but decided to invite the other person and I am regretting it.
My best friend dated this guy for almost 5 years. He’s very quiet and has some social issues – I’ve basically never even had a conversation with him in all those years despite putting in a lot of effort. That was not weird for him though, there’s probably very few people who have had a real conversation with him and it’s one of the reasons she ended it (communication issues). He didn’t make much of an effort to hang out with us – I always included him in every invite, but he mostly made excuses. They lived together, but he would usually dissapear to play video games in his “office” when we would have friend nights at their place (co-ed). I would not call him a friend at all and I don’t think that would surprise him or that he would feel differently.
Anyway, they broke up about a week before we sent invites. My best friend really wanted them to remain friends, and I have always tried to go out of my way to include him in things, so I decided to invite him.
A couple of weeks later, things got really weird between them (he started dating on Tinder like 2 days after they broke up while they still lived together, but was still vacillating between being obsessed with trying to get her back and sending her voice memos telling her she was a terrible person – he also refused to move out and stopped paying her rent). Anyway, I thought given this change of events, he would ignore the invite since we are not really friends. Nope! He RSVP’d yes in the midst of all that. Since that time (about a month ago) he’s come to his senses, moved out and back paid her rent and they are on fine terms, but not like lets-hang-out-together terms yet. My best friend is a class act and she will have a great time no matter what. I’m not worried about him ruining our day, he’s not like that at all, I’d just rather him not be there.
I wish hadn’t invited him, but there was no way for me to know that it would end up like this as his behavior after the break up was bizarrely unlike him.
Anyway, point being, you have no idea what’s going to happen between them in the coming weeks/couple of months before the wedding. I think it’s better to err on the side of caution and not invite her since you are not friends and would not invite her otherwise. If they are really getting along, maybe he’ll bring her as his plus one. If not, then it will probably be easier not to worry about it.
Post # 19
So etiquette is apparently made to smooth social interactions,a nd to help guests be comfortable. Inviting her = super awkward.
Post # 20
penguinwapi: This is really good advice. Breakups can get messy, especially if someone hasn’t moved out yet. They may be cordial now, but that could change. Better to just give him a blank plus one that he can use however he chooses.
Post # 21
In this situation, I think I would invite him but not her. She was, for all intents and purposes, his plus one – you were just doing the polite thing in inviting her by name. Like you said, if they did decide to get back together you’d be more than happy to have her attend with him.
We have a few friends who are invited with their partners (many of them have been dating for years by now), but if they break up their partners will not be receiving an invitation.
Post # 22
stefzbee: i know my case is different, no need to point that out. I was also giving my opinion on what I would do, and being that sending someone a STD and not following it up with an invite is extremly rude
the mistake that was made here is that – IF the now ex gf was the plus one for the guy, she shouldn’t have received a STD, plus ones don’t get a STD because of possibilities as a couple that will break up.
Post # 23
Daizy914: Excuse me? You brought it up, so I commented on it. That’s what forums are for. Don’t tell me what I don’t need to address, I’m a grown a** woman. You shared your opinion and I shared mine, end of story.
Post # 24
piercetheveil: I wouldn’t invite her since she was just a +1!
Post # 25
Daizy914: The couple received one save the date to their joint apartment with both their names on it. Becuase they have been dating for a few years, I included her name, rather than just his name “and guest”