Post # 1
I’ve been engaged since May and we have begun preliminary planning for our fall 2018 wedding. I Would love a winter evening wedding but as we live in Canada and most of our guests are coming from Europe I didn’t want to subject them to the snow and cold! So we decided October would be perfect – the temperature is good and the leaves are gorgeous, it’s a great time to visit. It’s going to be a formal evening wedding with no kids.
Then two days ago my fiancés uncle who lives in NY messaged and said that if his kids can’t come, he’s not coming. I was ready to say fine, dont come but my fi wants him there so ok, I said I guess we can invite them if it means so much to him.
Then today we get a message from his mom saying that we need to have the wedding in September because she’s spoken to the rest of the family and no one wants to fly from Europe in October because of the weather and rain and cold..I am so frustrated I could cry, it doesn’t even rain here in October! So now the date and guest list of our wedding is being dictated by his family…he wants to keep the status quo and doesn’t really care if the wedding is in September but it can still be pretty hot here in September and it’s just so not what I want.
Im also a massive pushover and so I know that I will say it’s ok just to keep the peace but I’m honestly just ready to elope and forget the whole thing!!
Any advice? Am I being too stubborn? Should we move the date to September so everyone’s happy?
Post # 2
sparklybee2be : Have you spoken directly to anyone in Eurpoe who would be flying over? I’d want to hear it from them and not second hand.
If I were in your shoes I’d keep the October date and enjoy the company of those who care enough to be there. I love fall colors. 🙂
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
I wouldn’t have given in to his uncle so changing the date is definitely a no. Are you paying for this yourselves? If so I think you need to put your foot down. But if you’re certain you’ll just keep giving in to everyones demands then eloping sounds like a plan, as long as your Fiance agrees.
Post # 4
sparklybee2be : Why is your soon to be husband putting the needs of everybody else before yours? It’s your wedding. Family doesn’t get to dictate. And your Fiance should have your back.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
sparklybee2be : Um, hells to the nah.
It is your wedding. The only two opinions that matter are you and Fiance. It is not for other people to dictate where, when, how, or who. You make your plans. You send your invites. People who care enough to be there will make it. Those who don’t wont.
And, really, eloping is always less fraught. If it wouldn’t break your heart, I wouldn’t dismiss it entirely as an option.
Incidentally – there is no situation where everyone will be happy. Pay attention to what will make you and Fiance happy. That is what matters the most.
Sorry, Bee. People can be awfully self-centered.
Post # 6
I am sorry to hear you are having troubles, wedding planning should be a joyous time! They do say that weddings and funerals bring out the worst in a family, and boy did I experience this!
My advice would be to do what you want, at the end of the day it’s your wedding and it is your family and friends jobs to support you and love you regardless of your choices about the wedding and just show up, it’s not their day! If people are not onboard with your choices, all you can do is explain the rationale (if you want to) and the rest is up to them, you can’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try to so just please yourself and your future husband!
Post # 7
IMO the key problem is not that guests are makign demands, but that you and your Fiance are not on the same page. At this stage, it sounds like he has a flexible vision while you are feeling pretty set on your decisions. Neither of you are right or wrong, you just need to come together and get on the same page.
Then once you get on the same page, stick to it, and have him handle his own family.
Post # 8
At this point, if people from Europe don’t want to come cause it’s in fall, have the winter wedding you want.
Post # 9
Thanks bees! Just read my post back, sorry for the somewhat awful grammar, typing on my phone!
Yeah Fi is totally flexible, that’s just his personality. I do wish he would have my back a bit more in this but at the same time, from his point of view he doesn’t see what the big deal is as September is so close to October. I would feel awful if his side of the family didn’t come because I was being stubborn over the date. It’s a smallish wedding too so it would be a big deal. At the same time, it’s also sort of the principal of it all – it’s just really annoyed me that people feel they can dictate things as major as the date and the guest list!!
I don’t really want to elope and think we would regret it but I haven’t yet decided how to proceed. I imagine we will change the date to the end of September to keep the peace. It’s just a wedding after all…still so frustrated though! Also my side of the family would say the same as you, to do what we want and not let them dictate things but I want to avoid conflict! Isn’t wedding planning meant to be fun?! Why are people so rude?! I was SO looking forward to planning the wedding but it’s only been two months and I’m over it. Oh well! I’ll laugh about this one day!
Post # 10
The people saying your fiance isnt being supportive is not true. The only thing I got from that is he wants his uncle at his wedding. It is not just your wedding, no matter how many people tell you that, it is just as special to him (I’m sure you know that). Have the wedding you want. I have had family and friends cause issues this whole planning process, but now that we are done planning we are so excited for the day of our dreams! It will be beautiful! Wedding planning is a pick your battles type of thing! If youre dead set on September, you may have to give something else up down the road. Every one means well, people just dont always come across the way you want!
Post # 11
Change the date to September 30th. It’s a Saturday 😂
Post # 12
sparklybee2be : My only response would be to be careful what you sacrifice or compromise on, sometimes if you do it once, people think they can keep expecting you to do it. Also, I get avoiding conflict but sometimes it’s worth it, especially if it means enough to you, just keep that in mind 🙂 Having a firm date or month or anything else set about your wedding and standing up for it is ok!
Post # 13
I’m confused, they don’t want to come because it’s rainy and cold, but you said it’s not rainy and cold! Maybe explain the weather to them? Also as someone said, your Future Mother-In-Law may not be speaking for everyone. I’d calmly say ‘where we live September is still hot and October is gorgeous. We have chosen what we think is the best month and we are excited to celebrate with everyone’. (Or if you change, only go to September 29th (if you want a Saturday). Could be a good compromise)
Post # 14
sparklybee2be : ok you’re annoyed by them thinking they can dictate, but your Fiance is the one saying to let them dictate. You don’t want to push it because you feel you’re being inflexible.
If the date is a big deal to you, tell your Fiance and ask him to have your back. Tell him you compromised on his uncle’s kids, but now you’re not willing to compromise and surely he doesn’t expect you to do all of the compromising.
This is his family. If they are dictating your wedding, wait until you have kids (if you are hoping to do so).
Post # 15
You guys should do what you want for your wedding – especially if you are the ones paying, no one else should get a say. You pick the time that’s right for you.
One thing that helped me and my Fiance with a wedding plan early on was determining our priorities together – and that put some framework around what our wedding would look like.
We found out we had different ideas on many details – but of course you can compromise on smaller things. I wanted to make sure we both got the things that were most important to each of us. So we wrote lists of our top priorities, looked at eachother’s lists, and had a discussion together how we would make these priorities happen. If you do that, you might cement October as something you’ll both fight for (or you might find all your priorities will be best met eloping!)