Post # 1
I am in serious need of help. My fiance and I are trying to put together a guest list and cannot agree. He wants no more than 50 guests. He wants us to split this number evenly. This is no problem for him, He has a small family; just his parents, brother, grandmother, and a handful of aunts, uncles, and cousins from each side. Meanwhile, I have a large family, thirty-six people on my mom’s side and 6 on my dads, not to mention my parents and two sisters. Basically, I have 50 people exactly (all close relatives). I don’t know how to cut down my list without cutting nearly all of my mom’s side. My fiance says that if we added the twenty-five extra, his family would feel out of place. He also says he wants it small because he’s never pictured a large wedding. I’ve always thought that I’d have my family there for my wedding, so I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to work with him on it, but he doesn’t want to compromise. I’ve even suggested that increase the number to 100 and have him invite more people. He refuses. Part of the reason this bothers me is that he constantly says he doesn’t know any of his family nor does he want to and I’m close with mine. Also, other than his parents and brother, I’ve NEVER met more of his family memebers, so I wouldn’t know half of the people. Meanwhile, he has met all of mine on several occassions. What should I do?
Post # 3
Who is paying for the wedding? Whoever is paying should dictate how many guests. If your parents want more guests, maybe they can contribute (if they aren’t already)?
The way your fiance is demanding you can’t invite your family seems strange to me. Doesn’t he want you to be happy and surrounded by all of your family and friends. I don’t think I’ve ever attended a wedding where the guest list is split 100% evenly. More often than not, the bride side generally has more guests…but maybe that’s because most of the weddings of people I’m close to the bride’s family pays for the wedding. Regardless, your FI should care more about making you happy than the number of guests in each side. It’s a wedding, not a contest!
Post # 4
@BrooklynWife: My fiance and I are paying for the wedding together. My parents are going to contribute, but his cannot. he keeps saying that if two-thirds of our guests are my family, his will be uncomfortable and that it’d be more of a family reunion than a wedding.
Post # 5
@Kng2178: “but he doesn’t want to compromise“
This isn’t a wedding problem. This is a marriage problem. Your fiance needs to learn how to compromise or he’s not ready for marriage.
Now for the issue at hand: basically I agree with you. This whole “my family” and “your family” thing is childish. When you get married they will be “our families”. Your family is bigger so you invite more from your side. He needs to accept that.
If you do cut, I suggest dividing the line equally. The best way is probably to exclude cousins. i.e. invite all aunts and uncle (no exceptions) and no cousins (no exceptions). By having no exceptions, no one in the family can complain.
EDIT: On his excuse that “his family will feel uncomfortable”, explain to him that it is preferable for his family to (maybe) feel a little outnumbered, than for several people in your family to (almost certainly) be hurt or offended (by not being invited). His family can put on their big girl/boy panties and deal with it, especially since they’re not contributing.
Post # 6
Your balance of guest would be the same as mine. I have 56 family members invited and SO has 11 relatives. We also have about 15 friends invited. Not once has my SO been concerned with his relatives feeling out of place (even though they all speak little to no englsih).
Some part of me feels like he is creating an excuse. Maybe he is uncomfortable with you having more guest. Kinda like even steven. I am not to sure.
Also if you are really close to all your relatives, then I think it is really selfish for him to make you pick only 25. Unless money is an issue, you should have the right to invite everyone. And remember not everyone will make it.
I hope he changes his mind.
Post # 7
I’ll be in the same position as you. I have a ton of really close family whereas SO is only close to a handful (although I think he probably has more family than me in all).
I guess ultimately the answer is compromise, but it doesn’t sound like your FI is up for much of that. In your post you imply that HE decided on 50 and that HE decided on an even split and HE refused to invited more people.
Something has got to give. Doe he give any explanation as to WHY he only wants fifty? I think that would be the best starting point to discuss this from. Also, your FI needs reminding that this isn’t football. You don’t need even sized “teams”. It’s not like it’s your fault you have 50 close family and he has less than 10.
One way I could suggest, but I think it involves a lot of discussion beforehand and increasing the size of guest list, is saying all family that you want to invite is invited (not including your uncles brother-in-laws children and other tedious family links of course). Then whatever is left over is split on friends. For example, for 100 guests: you have 50 family, he has 20 (I’m guessing here) then you get 15 friends each.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. I hope you find a compromise that works for both of you.
Post # 8
@paula1248: I would invite all my uncles and aunts, but no cousins except for two issues. The first is that even if I invited only muy uncles and aunts, I’d go over. The second is that one of my lifelong best friends is a cousin of mine.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
A wedding is a merging of two families. Have you explained to him that when you are married your family will be his family too? It shouldn’t be an us vs. them scenario.
Post # 10
I think part of the reason he is so bent on 50 guests is that my fiance hates crowds.
Post # 11
@paula1248: I very much agree with this “our family” business. Here here!!
I also want to know how you’re expected to exclude family without leaving out enitre groups of people (no cousins etc). I know this is different but as an example: I have brothers who are twins and I live abroad. They’re graduating this year but I can only afford to fly back for one. How did I choose which to go to? I decided not to go to either, which breaks my heart, but it’s an all or nothing situation: I can’t prioritise one over the other.
Post # 12
@ Daffadowndilly This! @Kng2178 You are combining your families. Just because you have more family and friends doesn’t mean that you should be penalized. As long as space isn’t an issue, you should be able to invite the same family relationships that he invites, ie parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, first cousins. It’s really not fair that you should have to pick and choose who in your family is more important to you, while he does not. Good luck—I hope he caves! “The List” is the hardest part of wedding planning!
@Paula1248 Excellent advice!
Post # 13
We have the same ratio of guests as well, but the difference is we both have huge families, and he decided only to invite his immediate family. We are having it in my hometown, so I didn’t really have that option without causing rifts. Luckily he is cool with it and we are planning to do a separate party a couple months later with JUST his family to celebrate.
Do you think that he would be cool with doing that with your family, and would your family also be okay with that? It would make the issue a little easier to deal with, although I do think he’s being a bit unreasonable. 50 is really small for a wedding when you have large families.
Either that, or maybe do a destination wedding and invite everyone – probably only 40 or so will actually come but at least you were able to invite them all!
Post # 14
His family may be uncomfortable if they are outnumbered by yours, but sounds like you will be uncomfortable if you can’t invite the people you want there. It’s not your fault he does not have a large family and you should not be punished for it by having to pretend that your family is smaller than it is. I know 50 seems like a lot to some people, but I see that many of my family about every month at family get-togethers, plus some of them in addition to that, and we all correspond regularly by email.
I think with something like family, it’s more fair to draw the line at something like “we can both invite all our family” or “we can both invite family out to first cousins” rather than put a strict number limit on things.
Post # 15
@Kng2178: We’re having 50 people too. I’m the small family and I said “I only need about 17.” And let him have the rest. Not sure why your guy can’t do that. It should be more like a percentage thing… I have fewer family members/friends/etc, so the bride’s side will be smaller. I’m not worried about my family feeling out of place. They’ll do whatever they’ll do.
It’s not fair to make the person with the huge family make deeper, more drastic and painful cuts than the other, just because their family is bigger.
Post # 16
@Kng2178 well in a way a wedding is a family reunion…there is that saying, we only get together for weddings and funerals!
like a pp said, usually there are more guests on the brides said, there will be at my wedding..it’s just one of those things.
I think if it was more an issue of budget as to the limiting of the numbers then it would be more understandable but it isn’t really fair just because he doesn’t know his family and you know yours so have to give them up for this purpose. Also 50 isn’t the best number as it means you get an odd number of guests…why not compromise with 60 or 80 that way you both get an even number.
Apologies if you’ve already mentioned this but Im only reading about family here….are yiur friends included in these numbers too?