(Closed) Guest Issues

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Who is paying for the wedding? Whoever is paying should dictate how many guests. If your parents want more guests, maybe they can contribute (if they aren’t already)?
The way your fiance is demanding you can’t invite your family seems strange to me. Doesn’t he want you to be happy and surrounded by all of your family and friends. I don’t think I’ve ever attended a wedding where the guest list is split 100% evenly. More often than not, the bride side generally has more guests…but maybe that’s because most of the weddings of people I’m close to the bride’s family pays for the wedding. Regardless, your FI should care more about making you happy than the number of guests in each side. It’s a wedding, not a contest! 

 

Post # 5
Member
7854 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Kng2178:  “but he doesn’t want to compromise

This isn’t a wedding problem. This is a marriage problem. Your fiance needs to learn how to compromise or he’s not ready for marriage.

Now for the issue at hand: basically I agree with you. This whole “my family” and “your family” thing is childish. When you get married they will be “our families”. Your family is bigger so you invite more from your side. He needs to accept that.

If you do cut, I suggest dividing the line equally. The best way is probably to exclude cousins. i.e. invite all aunts and uncle (no exceptions) and no cousins (no exceptions). By having no exceptions, no one in the family can complain.

EDIT: On his excuse that “his family will feel uncomfortable”, explain to him that it is preferable for his family to (maybe) feel a little outnumbered, than for several people in your family to (almost certainly) be hurt or offended (by not being invited).  His family can put on their big girl/boy panties and deal with it, especially since they’re not contributing.

Post # 6
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your balance of guest would be the same as mine. I have 56 family members invited and SO has 11 relatives. We also have about 15 friends invited. Not once has my SO been concerned with his relatives feeling out of place (even though they all speak little to no englsih). 

Some part of me feels like he is creating an excuse. Maybe he is uncomfortable with you having more guest. Kinda like even steven. I am not to sure. 

Also if you are really close to all your relatives, then I think it is really selfish for him to make you pick only 25. Unless money is an issue, you should have the right to invite everyone. And remember not everyone will make it.  

I hope he changes his mind.

Post # 7
Hostess
3381 posts
Sugar bee

I’ll be in the same position as you.  I have a ton of really close family whereas SO is only close to a handful (although I think he probably has more family than me in all).

I guess ultimately the answer is compromise, but it doesn’t sound like your FI is up for much of that.  In your post you imply that HE decided on 50 and that HE decided on an even split and HE refused to invited more people.

Something has got to give.  Doe he give any explanation as to WHY he only wants fifty?  I think that would be the best starting point to discuss this from.  Also, your FI needs reminding that this isn’t football.  You don’t need even sized “teams”.  It’s not like it’s your fault you have 50 close family and he has less than 10.

One way I could suggest, but I think it involves a lot of discussion beforehand and increasing the size of guest list, is saying all family that you want to invite is invited (not including your uncles brother-in-laws children and other tedious family links of course).  Then whatever is left over is split on friends.  For example, for 100 guests: you have 50 family, he has 20 (I’m guessing here) then you get 15 friends each.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.  I hope you find a compromise that works for both of you.

Post # 9
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

A wedding is a merging of two families. Have you explained to him that when you are married your family will be his family too? It shouldn’t be an us vs. them scenario.

Post # 11
Hostess
3381 posts
Sugar bee

@paula1248:  I very much agree with this “our family” business. Here here!!

I also want to know how you’re expected to exclude family without leaving out enitre groups of people (no cousins etc).  I know this is different but as an example: I have brothers who are twins and I live abroad.  They’re graduating this year but I can only afford to fly back for one.  How did I choose which to go to?  I decided not to go to either, which breaks my heart, but it’s an all or nothing situation: I can’t prioritise one over the other.

Post # 12
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Daffadowndilly This! @Kng2178 You are combining your families. Just because you have more family and friends doesn’t mean that you should be penalized. As long as space isn’t an issue, you should be able to invite the same family relationships that he invites, ie parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, first cousins. It’s really not fair that you should have to pick and choose who in your family is more important to you, while he does not. Good luck—I hope he caves! “The List” is the hardest part of wedding planning! 

@Paula1248 Excellent advice! 

Post # 13
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

We have the same ratio of guests as well, but the difference is we both have huge families, and he decided only to invite his immediate family. We are having it in my hometown, so I didn’t really have that option without causing rifts. Luckily he is cool with it and we are planning to do a separate party a couple months later with JUST his family to celebrate.

Do you think that he would be cool with doing that with your family, and would your family also be okay with that? It would make the issue a little easier to deal with, although I do think he’s being a bit unreasonable. 50 is really small for a wedding when you have large families.

Either that, or maybe do a destination wedding and invite everyone – probably only 40 or so will actually come but at least you were able to invite them all!

 

Post # 14
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

His family may be uncomfortable if they are outnumbered by yours, but sounds like you will be uncomfortable if you can’t invite the people you want there. It’s not your fault he does not have a large family and you should not be punished for it by having to pretend that your family is smaller than it is. I know 50 seems like a lot to some people, but I see that many of my family about every month at family get-togethers, plus some of them in addition to that, and we all correspond regularly by email.

I think with something like family, it’s more fair to draw the line at something like “we can both invite all our family” or “we can both invite family out to first cousins” rather than put a strict number limit on things.

Post # 15
Member
4660 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Kng2178:  We’re having 50 people too. I’m the small family and I said “I only need about 17.” And let him have the rest. Not sure why your guy can’t do that. It should be more like a percentage thing… I have fewer family members/friends/etc, so the bride’s side will be smaller. I’m not worried about my family feeling out of place. They’ll do whatever they’ll do.

It’s not fair to make the person with the huge family make deeper, more drastic and painful cuts than the other, just because their family is bigger.

Post # 16
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Kng2178 well in a way a wedding is a family reunion…there is that saying, we only get together for weddings and funerals!

like a pp said, usually there are more guests on the brides said, there will be at my wedding..it’s just one of those things. 

I think if it was more an issue of budget as to the limiting of the numbers then it would be more understandable but it isn’t really fair just because he doesn’t know his family and you know yours so have to give them up for this purpose. Also 50 isn’t the best number as it means you get an odd number of guests…why not compromise with 60 or 80 that way you both get an even number. 

Apologies if you’ve already mentioned this but Im only reading about family here….are yiur friends included in these numbers too?

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