Post # 17
I have a massive family, and without even inviting everyone, I think the tally is up around 70 people. Fiance has a family (or close family friends) of around 10 – 12 who will be invited to our wedding. Not once has he made a fuss about this (both our families will be contributing to the wedding, although my parents will offer significantly more) and he knows there is not a chance that I’d get married without my nearest and dearest there, and that includes all of them.
I think your Fiance has to understand that this is a big day for both of you, and a large part of making it special is having your family (as big as they might be!) to celebrate the happy occasion with you.
Post # 18
That sounds very frustrating. I feel like it makes sense that your side of the list is longer, given the relative sizes of your families. You need to talk to him about this, and him not compromising is an issue. I feel like you HAVE to expand your guest list, given the size of your family. He has to deal with that; your family comes with you marrying him! Even if you invite 75 people, I’m sure not all of them will come, and it will still be a relatively small wedding.
We are having a small wedding (55-60 people invited depending on +1s). My side of the guest list is about 1.5 times the size of his. We just wrote down who we wanted to invite, and then added a few more family members/ family friends per parents’ request. I’m so glad we have small families though; I can’t imagine how hard it would be to cut family members, or only have family and have no room left for friends!
Post # 19
I don’t think splitting the guests really works well for people with disproportionate amount of family members. One person can have everyone down to second cousins and the postman while the other one ends up with just parents and siblings.
I’d go with inviting circles for both of you, and figuring out what circle to stop on. For example, both invite parents, both invite their own siblings. How many is that? Are we within the count we want? If under the count, then the next circle would be grandparents. How many? Next circle would probably be aunts and uncles. If you both invite those how many guests do you have? Is it over whatever limit you want? If not, invite, if so, don’t invite. Next circle might be cousins – is the count over? Don’t invite. If one person ends up with more, that’s perfectly OK. It’s not his and hers, it’s ours.
I’d maybe push for going to aunts and uncles, but not cousins, and if this ups the count then so be it.
Post # 21
There are times when “equal” is not “fair” and “fair” is not “equal.” This is one of them. Given the difference in size between your families, you need to figure out a way to divide the guests that is proportionate, not even. An even distribution in this case is disproportionately favorable to the person with the smaller family.
Post # 22
@FromA2B2013: Yes, our friends are included in theses numbers. I’m inviting 2 friends, along with one’s soon-to-be husband and the other’s long-time bf. He’s inviting 5 friends, but no SO’s because the longest any has been dating someone is three weeks.
Post # 23
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
This is ridiculous- your family is going to be his family too. Have you guys talked to his parents about this? It’s terrible that he wants to arbitrarily cut you off at 50 people just because he doesn’t imagine having more than that, while you have to cut out family members that you’re close to.
He sounds really selfish. Honestly, I know this is extreme, but I would reconsider marrying someone who is that selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. What will happen when you have kids? Will he “imagine” that his kids are named Edwardia and Phyllis, and you get no say? Will his kids have to play soccer and football because that’s what he “always imagined”?
Post # 24
@MeiFrancis: I want to make it clear that my fiance is NOT nor ever has been a selfish person. He’s the type of person who would give the shirt of his back to someone in need. This situation is completely unlike him, which is why I believe there’s more to it than meets the eye. I just can’t get to him to talk to me about his true reasons, whether its due to him simply being embarred by it or afraid to tell me. For all I know, it could actually come down to budget, but he just doesn’t want to say this. (We are on a tight budget, but found a very inexpensive caterer. Inviting all 50 of my family, along with his, would put us right about even with it.) He has never been like this before, so I know that there’s got to be a reason for him.
Post # 25
Part of me believes that this situation exists because my fiance is extrememly uncomfortable with crowds. He might be thinking that he can deal with a crowd of 50, but 75 is too much.
Post # 26
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
@Kng2178: In that case, we’re not going to be able to help you. Good luck with getting the answer out of him!
Post # 27
@Kng2178: Have you considered friends too? Why is he so worried his family will feel out of place? Are they super socially awkward or something? What about setting up some parties/meetings ahead of time so his family will feel like they have some people they know there? This is a merging of two families, so yes, it’s always kind of like a reunion!
Post # 28
@Kng2178: How about having only immediate family? Parents, siblings and their spouses and kids only?
I kind of feel like your Fiance is being a bit of a jerk. He’s picked a number that allows him to invite his entire family but forces you to cut members of yours? The argument that his family would feel uncomfortable with more of your family there is ridiculous.