(Closed) guest list

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Is it really about the cost involved or is it an issue because Fiance is not agreeing to the already agreed upon rules?

Post # 4
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Is he willing to pay for the additional people?  If he is then I think 10 more is fine.  If not, then he should prob cut them.  Your parents have been kind enough to pay for things and asking them for more would just not be kind, responsible, or gracious.

Post # 5
Member
4152 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Can you put them on a “b” list? If people decline you can always ask them.  I would think that with only 10 over you may be able to fit them all in, but I wouldn’t invite more than you can accomodate.

Post # 7
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@katiejune2012: The best way to me is contact your Future Father-In-Law and telling him the financial situation and asking him for half to cover his people. It is not fair to you or your parents.

Is there a way your Fiance can pay for them by himself? Meaning he can’t get the money from you? Like even if you use a different account for a while?

Post # 9
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@katiejune2012: I think you really need to work this out with your Fiance and not your Future Father-In-Law.  If your Fiance isn’t standing up to your Future Father-In-Law on your behalf, why is that?  Meaning – is Fiance not wanting to tell his dad no?  Does Fiance think it isn’t a big deal and your parents should foot the bill (because they are better off financially)?  Does Fiance realize that your parents are not inviting people?  Dig deep and get to the real issues here.  I agree that it’s disrespectful for him to just assume they will cover it and give little regard for the guidelines they have set.

If I were you I’d go over FI’s list with him and find the 10 people that will not be getting STD’s and work it out with Fiance.  If Fiance needs to go back to his parents to consult their input on the 10, then so be it!

Post # 11
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@katiejune2012: my point in suggesting you work it out with Fiance instead of Future Father-In-Law is so Fiance will learn how to stand up to his father.  Wedding planning is the really the perfect time to practice this kind of thing – because he’s about to create a new family (YOU!).  I know you don’t want to get into another fight with Fiance about it, but you really need to figure out how to make it clear that it’s an unbendable rule.  Either you will make the decision to cut the 10 or Fiance and his family can make it, IMO.  😉  It really doesn’t matter if Fiance hasn’t fully explained things to his family or gone into details.  The bigger picture is that Fiance needs to tell them 85 is the max.  End of story.

 ETA:  how does the argument with Fiance about this usually go?  Maybe we can give you some different ways to broach the subject and perhaps avoid another fight? 

Post # 13
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@katiejune2012:  We all say things in the heat of the moment that we don’t mean!!   Based on what you said:  I’d start by reminding Fiance that this is HIS and YOUR wedding, not his father’s wedding.  I’d also acknowledge the pressure Fiance is getting from his dad and tell him that you are sure it’s putting a lot of pressure on him (FI).  Hopefully by coming from a place of understanding, it will get Fiance to open up more about what’s really going on.

I agree with you – the: do what I want, or I won’t show up comment was unnecessary and unproductive.   But, it was also a tactic to get what he wanted.  FI clearly doesn’t want to dissapoint his dad (which is understandable!) but it’s not reasonable when he’s putting his father’s wishes/desires above yours.  

When is the last time you two talked about this?  I’d give it a rest for a few days and then broach it again when you’ve both had a cooling off period.  I did that with Darling Husband over a few guest list issues (him wanting to invite his mom’s tenants who he didn’t even know their names!!).  Once we had time to both cool down, we were able to talk about the issues rationally.

I think you should also ask Fiance to put himself in your shoes.  Your family has given you rules to go by, are graciously footing the bill, and now he is asking you to go to them and change what you have already agreed to….. perhaps that will help him see the precarious position he is putting you in……

Post # 14
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@katiejune2012: I would extend an invite to your parent’s friends as well. Somebody is bound to not come.

I sent out 225 invites and only had 140 show up the day of the wedding. Promise.

Post # 16
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@katiejune2012: don’t let the pressure of seeing the family this weekend be the reason you are pushing it.  I would bring it up one more time before the weekend and then drop it.  If Future Father-In-Law mentions something or if the topic comes up (not initiated by you) I would talk openly and calmly about it.

Also – it’s not fair to add the rule that someone isn’t a proper guest because you haven’t met them.  You gave Fiance and his family a blank slate of ‘x’ amount of guests.  While I get that you wouldn’t want someone at your wedding you haven’t met, those weren’t the rules – so you can’t really use that as an argument with Fiance (even though I completely understand where you are coming from!)

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