(Closed) Guest list and drama

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    9521 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    She doesn’t have to give anything. She is generously offering to pay hER half and it is “disgusting”?! Frankly, the only “disgusting” is this entitled attitude 

    Post # 3
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I understand that money is an issue, but marriage is a lot about the joining of two families. I find it incredibly rude that your mother wants to only pay for her side. I’d either go all or nothing to minimize the bad blood that this reception could create. If I were a part of his family and knew this, I’d believe that you wouldn’t care much for his family at all. It’s very tacky to invite people to a wedding then charge them for their food. My very Italian family would blow a gasket at the whole situation. Maybe cut down the guest list or find a cheaper caterer? Are they contributing to the wedding?

    Post # 4
    Member
    927 posts
    Busy bee

    I wonder if part of this is the way it has been communicated? The way you say it “her side” and “they have to pay for their plates” sounds quite divisive and somewhat harsh. But, for example, she ‘can afford to help us with half the cost of the wedding’ sounds more reasonable – even though it is essentially the same thing.

    Ultimately though, your mum is not obligated to contribute anything at all. Anything she wants to contribute should be accepted gracefully. However, your mum cannot dictate where the other half comes from. If your in laws don’t want to contribute you will have to save up yourselves. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    2453 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    View original reply
    lilacjedibride:  I think (I could be wrong) that OP’s mom meant that her FI’s parents can invite their family as long as they, the parents, pay for it.

    She should not be expected to foot the bill for everyone, so no, it’s not disgusting of her to do that.

    If you want both sides to be equal, have both sides pay, contribute extra to fill in his side, or cut down to the bare minimum and have a small wedding.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7639 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    There’s a lot of room in between “no reception” and “200 people from each family”. Cut down the guest list to closer relatives only, something you and your mother can afford. 200 people from one family is insane. If your mother-in-law isn’t happy that all her 2nd and 3rd cousins aren’t invited, she doesn’t need to attend.

    Post # 7
    Member
    550 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015 - Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel

     

    View original reply
    theatrejulia:  I don’t think OP meant that she thinks it’s disgusting- I think she was saying that her fiance’s family thinks it’s disgusting (because she goes on to stand up for her mom next)

    Post # 8
    Member
    670 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    View original reply
    libby2253:  They consider your mom not paying FOR THEM to be “disgusting”?  Wow, they are pretty nervy.  They want your mom to pay for their 200 people because…you’re the bride and the bride’s mom for whatever reason is supposed to pay?

    On the other hand, why would your mom pay for only her side anyway?  That isn’t the way it works either.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3164 posts
    Sugar bee

    I agree with a PP who was wondering whether the way it was positioned exacerbated the problem with FIs parents at all? I think the first thing to do would be to sit down and come up with a budget you can afford and then draft a combined guest list which fits within budget. Even if FIs parents aren’t contributing anything I would have thought you would take them into account when deciding who to invite, right. Or are you saying that literally none of FIs family or family friends will get an invite unless his parents pay on a per head basis? Because if so than I can understand why that may cause problems. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    9521 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    MissKristi:  with all due respect the disgusting attitude was to the ones who assumed the mother would pay for it all. I never blamed the OP

    Post # 11
    Member
    687 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Everyone is so off-base here. It sounds like no one cares who you and your Fiance want to invite and everyone wants to throw parties for themselves, using you and Fiance as an excuse, and spending as much of other people’s money as possible. How ridiculous and unpleasant. 

    Why is your mom volunteering your FI’s family to pay for anything? No one is entitled to spend anyone else’s money, and surely it would fall to the couple to pay for the remainder of the ceremony unless someone else offered money. Of course your future in-laws are being ridiculous, trying to volunteer your mom to pay for 200 more people, and trying to dictate the guest list of a party they’re not contributing to. Do you and your Fiance have any say in this party? If not, why do you want it?

    Post # 12
    Member
    1833 posts
    Buzzing bee

    It is very generous of your mom to offer to pay for your side.  it is your and your FI’s responsibility to pay for the wedding and she has offered to help you.  You and Fiance have to pick up the slack for the rest of the guests.  Just because your FIL’s want to invite 200 people doesn’t mean they get to.

    Am I correct in assuming they think it is the bride’s family’s responsibility to pay for the wedding?  Are they pretty traditional?

    Post # 13
    Member
    550 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015 - Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel

    View original reply
    theatrejulia:  Oh well in that case, I am with you! I hate hearing stories like this where someone is trying to be generous and others are spitting in their face. It’s heartbreaking!

    Post # 14
    Member
    6949 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Yeah, the attitude is icky, but at the same time, if you want a wedding, you need to be prepared to pay for it yoruselves.  Anything else is a bonus.  I was more than halfway through planning before my mother mentioned she’d like to pay for something.  I never asked and once we gave it some thought, suggested she buy the beer so she could take the leftovers home (there weren’t any, but whatever) since we don’t care for beer.  Likewise with my husband’s parents.  They offered to pay for brunch and we actually forgot all about it until his dad asked for the bill a month after the wedding.  You do not need a 3-400 person wedding. If you are just starting life, short on cash and not getting support elsewhere, then it’s time to tone down that guest list to something that is feasible.  

    I hope your in-laws either get clarity regarding what your mom meant, or realize that the plan is not “disgusting” though, cause that’s a bad attitude as well!

    Post # 15
    Member
    13 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    View original reply
    libby2253:  Your FH’s family saying it is “disgusting” is harsh and inappropriate. Your mother is generously paying what she can afford which should be seen as a gift and not as a slight to his side of the family. Hopefully your Father-In-Law will soon realize that her contribution was meant as a gift, that she could pay for the amount of people that would be attending from your side of the family. Hopefully if your explain her contribution as a gift then maybe they will be a little more receptive to it.

    The topic ‘Guest list and drama’ is closed to new replies.

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