Post # 1
We had a very small wedding and had to make some tough choices on the invite list, and, made some assumptions about financial considerations. Subsequent to the wedding, I found out that one of my best friends is very hurt and feels left out that she wasnt invited. She was included in all other parts of the planning and showers, but, I ahd no idea until now she felt this way. Anyone else go through this or have advice?
Post # 3
Wellk I can see how she’s feeling. You made an assumption and yet still nicluded her in everything EXCEPT the big day. She’s a best friend and you didn’t invite her? I’d be hurt if i were her, too. It’s like eating cake in front of a diabetic!
Tell her that due to financial constraints/budgets/small wedding, you had a small guest list to begin with. But now you feel SUPER guilty about not inviting her and want her to come. If you want to invite her that is. Sometimes a late invite is still better than no invite.
I can appreciate that you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place though =(
Post # 4
Well, it depends what you mean by "she was involved in parts of the planning and showers"?
Are you saying that she was invited to the showers and involved in the wedding planning but was not invited to the actual wedding? If that’s the case and I was her, I would be upset too!
Since it’s in the past, my only advice for you is to apologize to her.
Post # 5
I agree with the above two comments. That is why I am a firm believer in the rule that if they are not invited to the wedding than they should not be invited to anything else (shower, bachelorette, any wedding activities). I would be very upset if I were her.
Could you invite her now at an attempt to make her feel better?
Post # 6
I agree with the others – I’d be sad to be included in planning and showers but not the actual day. If you can apologize and extend her an invite that’d be a nice gesture, I think.
Did you talk to her early on to let her know that she wouldn’t be invited to the wedding but you’d hope she participate in other ways? I could see if she had been made aware of it early on, she shouldn’t be upset. But your original post sounds like you might not have told her?
Post # 7
I’m interested too, in what exactly you mean by her being involved with the planning and shower. Did she know when she got involved that she wouldn’t be invited to the wedding? If no, that was an etiquette mistake. (Particularly inviting someone to a shower, who is not invited to the wedding.) Also, it’s probably not much consolation, if she threw you a shower or was really with you on dress shopping or cake tasting etc., but was denied an invitation. That’s like helping someone bake a cake and not get to eat any of it. Sure it can be fun to bake it. But if you’re doing all baking, and no eating, that’s called work.
If you were upfront with telling her she wasn’t getting an invitation, but she still wanted to go along with the planning anyway, I can see how you feel like you were snuck up on with her hurt feelings. But honestly, I don’t see how she wasn’t going to feel bad, helping you plan such a great day, she wasn’t even going to witness. In hind sight, it’s probably best to not get people involved who won’t be going, even if they think they’ll be OK with it.
A little more detail might be needed. But what can you do now, except apologize? Maybe a peace offering.
Post # 8
Thanks for discussing Gals! We had less than 20 ppl at our wedding and it was destination more than four hours away. She did know, from the beginning, that we were inviting only immediate family and a very few close friends. She helped me try on dresses, and was a sounding board for details, and a part of a five girl brunch to celebrate before I left (so no big etiquiette rules broken there :)) All the while, she never let on that she was anything but happy for us. She was the first person I wanted to get together with one we arrived back in town!
When I tried to contact her to carve out a time, I got an email from her with the information that she was upset. I actually felt guilt for not inviting her the whole time, but, stuck to my plan and also thought she wouldn’t have been able to come (a wrong assumption looking back) because of her personal financial goals/situation.
I really do feel awful and have told her this in hopes that she will understand. I wish I would have invited her, and, let her be the one to say "Yes" or "No", but, I can’t change that now 🙁
Thanks for listening!
Post # 9
I’m sorry you feel badly about the situation. I do think I would feel similarly to your friend and I think you now realize that you would too! There’s nothing else you can really do but apologize sincerely and hope she can get past it.
I think this is a really helpful post for future brides who are dealing with similar guest list issues! Thanks for coming on and sharing your situation, I’m sure it will help others. Good luck!
Post # 10
Sorry, JALA. Maybe she thought just being a part of the process would make her feel better. Or that she’d regret not being a part, in some way. But realized it hurt, after all.
I agree with GaBgal, that the best thing here is for future brides to learn something.
good luck, working things out with your friend. I’m sure you can get past this.