Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
Hoping you can provide some advice and assistance.
Background: My fiance and I have been together just short of 11 years. On our wedding date, we will have been together just short of a decade. I have a pretty great relationship with his family. They welcomed me with open arms and have always been beyond kind and wonderful to me. From allowing me to live at their home for weeks and weekends when we were young, to driving me to appointments and the emergency when I was very ill. All in all, they are wonderful people.
HOWEVER, I am starting to go a little crazy in regards to my Future Mother-In-Law taking over my guest list. I expected us to have a guest list of around 100 people, 120 max. However once my Future Mother-In-Law (and FFIL) started to add people, it suddenly ballooned to over 170 people! As of now, there are at least 40 people on the guest list that are considered ‘important family friends’ that I have never met before! These are the children, their spouses and now their young children, that were babysat together with my fiance and his siblings.
I tried to speak with my fiance, who agree’s the list is getting a bit out of hand. But he is definitely a people pleaser and will not draw a line in the sand unless I force him. Especially with his mum. He spoke to his mum about this guest list and came back with “well, she is going to prioritize people by number, and then once it is over what we can afford, she will pay for the rest”.
Now this is a very nice sentiment, but I do not feel confortable having a 200+ person wedding, where I have not met 50% of the people invited! It seems Future Mother-In-Law just wants to invite anyone and everyone. I’m happy she wants to contribute, but I would rather have less people (and people that I know) than just having a huge wedding for the sake of! She also said that inviting more people at this point is good, because it will mean we get more cash and gifts back. Personally I could care less about this, but I understand what she is trying to get across.
I do not want to cause issues or tension in the relationship I have with my Future Mother-In-Law, but she is driving me crazy with all these extra people. Every time I talk to her there are another few people added to the list. How do I politely tell her there needs to be a serious cut off, regardless of the extra costs associated? Any other Bee’s have a similar issue?
Thanks In Advance <3
Post # 2
gunnabamissus : Your fiance should really be dealing with his mother regarding this.
My Mother-In-Law asked us a few times to send invites to some family members that she was close to, we agreed but after like the third request my husband told her we will not be inviting any additional guests and to stop asking us, she agreed. I realize it may not be that easy with your Future Mother-In-Law though.
How does your fiance feel about all of it, does he want these guests there? If you both prefer to have a smaller wedding and he doesn’t want them to be there, he just needs to be firm with his mother and tell them you want something more intimate, you appreciate her offering to pay but this isn’t what you both want for your wedding and you won’t be extending the guest list past 120 people, or whatever.
Post # 3
Your Mother-In-Law sounds a lot like my Mother-In-Law. They are very traditional and basically had to invite anyone who ever invited them to their children’s wedding. I feel like they are like that for a few reasons. 1. The more people=more cash mentality.
2. They think people will hear about the wedding and be offended they weren’t invited, thus making them appear rude.
3. They feel like all the money they’ve invested going to these peoples/their children’s weddings should be coming back into our pockets.
4. They were just really happy for us and wanted everyone to celebrate this big day in their sons life.
I was verrrry frustrated with all the people I had never met being added to our list but in the end decided that was not a hill I wanted to die on. DH’s parents helped us a lot and I knew it was very important to them. However, had I decided that I was absolutely not ok with it (and I totally get why you would), it’s up to your Fiance to speak to his mom. Make sure he doesn’t say anything like “gunnabamissus thinks …” but instead WE would rather have a more intimate event. You guys are a team and if this is really important to you he’s just gunna have to suck it up and calmly explain to his mother that this is how it’s gunna go.
Post # 4
I had this exact same issue! I had all of these “close family friends” that just couldn’t not be invited, that I had never met. We scrapped our list and I gave his family a number. We also invited in circle. So we started with close family and went from there. They filled a box on a spreadsheet and once that was full, they were done.
My FIL’s also offered to pay for people above and beyond, but I explained to them that there were mulitple reasons that we weren’t going to do that. First of all, its not just food and drink expenses, its the extra paper, the extra centerpieces, etc. that add up. Then its the logisitcs of figuring out what to do with that many extra guests: more hotel rooms that need to be reserved, an extra shuttle running, extra guests you have to greet and talk to, etc. And finally, it is the fact that I didn’t want a bunch of strangers at my wedding. That if I hadn’t met or had the opportunity to meet someone in the year and a half we have been dating, then obviously they aren’t that close.
Your fiance should be explainging all of this to her. I agree with PP that you have to decide if it is a hill you want to die on. For me, personally, I was willing to die on that hill to not be overwhelmed by strangers at my own reception and to stop our guest list from being completely out of control (with their extra invites we were almost at 400. We cut the guest list to 325). Also, I knew it would be me and my family and friends that would have to deal with all of the extra logistics and I didn’t want to be sick of addressing invitations only to have 50 more strangers to add or something. But I have friends that really didn’t care and let parents invite whomever they wanted.
Post # 5
Hire a venue really quick that has a max of 120? I’m only semi-kidding.
Post # 6
I’m having the same problem right now! Mother-In-Law is offering to pay, but I don’t know what to really say. Thankfully, as far as I know it’s only about 10 extra people that she wants to invite – so not a hill I’m going to die on. If it becomes more than that, I will rope in my SO and have him explain that coworkers we’ve never met in our 5 years together don’t need a wedding invite.
Sorry that I don’t have much advice. I would probably have the cut off be people you’ve never met or haven’t seen in over a year or two. Make that distinction, see how many people it is, and then determine if that can be a good compromise.
Post # 7
You can keep it really simple, each side of the family gets to invite x amount of guests. That goes for your family and his family. Tell your fiancé he has to say that’s your decision as a unit as in he says to your mother, WE have decided each side of the family gets X amount of guests to invite. Don’t explain. If she asks why, just have your fiancé repeat himself. It’s your day.
Also not a bad idea to book a venue that only allows a certain number. Also you could say as an excuse, you aren’t going to allow either family to invite more than the other. You want it to be fair.
Post # 8
Same, same. My Fiance’s family are Mr and Mrs popular and love reminding us that they had like 200 people at their backyard, bbq wedding. We initially set the guest count to 150 to reign them in some but have had to drop it to 125 since A. They are clear they are not contributing financially to the wedding and b. I really don’t want a bunch of strangers at my wedding paid for by me, my fiance and my family.
My Mother-In-Law is so adamant to have these people that her version of a compromise (since we aren’t inviting every single person she wants) is to throw an after wedding party on a later date for everyone not invited to come to (plus people who were but want to come to another party I guess?). In that same backyard they got married in. Basically, a big drunken gathering of people who didn’t make the actual list. If this sounds like a crazy idea, it is. Because instead of helping us financially with the real wedding expenses, she just wants to spend her money on a party for her friends (many of whom have no relationship with my fiance).
But stay firm. Stay firm. Do not give in. I had to tell her point blank, we have a limit and that means some people just won’t be coming to the wedding. Eventually, they will accept it (or thrown their own fake wedding party after). 😛