Guest list being taken over!

posted 10 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

gunnabamissus :  Your fiance should really be dealing with his mother regarding this.

My Mother-In-Law asked us a few times to send invites to some family members that she was close to, we agreed but after like the third request my husband told her we will not be inviting any additional guests and to stop asking us, she agreed. I realize it may not be that easy with your Future Mother-In-Law though.

How does your fiance feel about all of it, does he want these guests there? If you both prefer to have a smaller wedding and he doesn’t want them to be there, he just needs to be firm with his mother and tell them you want something more intimate, you appreciate her offering to pay but this isn’t what you both want for your wedding and you won’t be extending the guest list past 120 people, or whatever.

Post # 3
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Your Mother-In-Law sounds a lot like my Mother-In-Law. They are very traditional and basically had to invite anyone who ever invited them to their children’s wedding. I feel like they are like that for a few reasons. 1. The more people=more cash mentality.

2. They think people will hear about the wedding and be offended they weren’t invited, thus making them appear rude.

3. They feel like all the money they’ve invested going to these peoples/their children’s weddings should be coming back into our pockets. 

4. They were just really happy for us and wanted everyone to celebrate this big day in their sons life.

I was verrrry frustrated with all the people I had never met being added to our list but in the end decided that was not a hill I wanted to die on. DH’s parents helped us a lot and I knew it was very important to them. However, had I decided that I was absolutely not ok with it (and I totally get why you would), it’s up to your Fiance to speak to his mom. Make sure he doesn’t say anything like “gunnabamissus thinks …” but instead WE would rather have a more intimate event. You guys are a team and if this is really important to you he’s just gunna have to suck it up and calmly explain to his mother that this is how it’s gunna go. 

Post # 4
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I had this exact same issue! I had all of these “close family friends” that just couldn’t not be invited, that I had never met. We scrapped our list and I gave his family a number. We also invited in circle. So we started with close family and went from there. They filled a box on a spreadsheet and once that was full, they were done. 

My FIL’s also offered to pay for people above and beyond, but I explained to them that there were mulitple reasons that we weren’t going to do that. First of all, its not just food and drink expenses, its the extra paper, the extra centerpieces, etc. that add up. Then its the logisitcs of figuring out what to do with that many extra guests: more hotel rooms that need to be reserved, an extra shuttle running, extra guests you have to greet and talk to, etc. And finally, it is the fact that I didn’t want a bunch of strangers at my wedding. That if I hadn’t met or had the opportunity to meet someone in the year and a half we have been dating, then obviously they aren’t that close.

Your fiance should be explainging all of this to her. I agree with PP that you have to decide if it is a hill you want to die on. For me, personally, I was willing to die on that hill to not be overwhelmed by strangers at my own reception and to stop our guest list from being completely out of control (with their extra invites we were almost at 400. We cut the guest list to 325). Also, I knew it would be me and my family and friends that would have to deal with all of the extra logistics and I didn’t want to be sick of addressing invitations only to have 50 more strangers to add or something. But I have friends that really didn’t care and let parents invite whomever they wanted. 

Post # 5
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

Hire a venue really quick that has a max of 120? I’m only semi-kidding. innocent

Post # 6
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I’m having the same problem right now! Mother-In-Law is offering to pay, but I don’t know what to really say. Thankfully, as far as I know it’s only about 10 extra people that she wants to invite – so not a hill I’m going to die on. If it becomes more than that, I will rope in my SO and have him explain that coworkers we’ve never met in our 5 years together don’t need a wedding invite.

Sorry that I don’t have much advice. I would probably have the cut off be people you’ve never met or haven’t seen in over a year or two. Make that distinction, see how many people it is, and then determine if that can be a good compromise.

Post # 7
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

You can keep it really simple, each side of the family gets to invite x amount of guests. That goes for your family and his family.  Tell your fiancé he has to say that’s your decision as a unit as in he says to your mother, WE have decided each side of the family gets X amount of guests to invite. Don’t explain. If she asks why, just have your fiancé repeat himself. It’s your day. 

Also not a bad idea to book a venue that only allows a certain number. Also you could say as an excuse, you aren’t going to allow either family to invite more than the other. You want it to be fair. 

Post # 8
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Same, same. My Fiance’s family are Mr and Mrs popular and love reminding us that they had like 200 people at their backyard, bbq wedding. We initially set the guest count to 150 to reign them in some but have had to drop it to 125 since A. They are clear they are not contributing financially to the wedding and b. I really don’t want a bunch of strangers at my wedding paid for by me, my fiance and my family. 

My Mother-In-Law is so adamant to have these people that her version of a compromise (since we aren’t inviting every single person she wants) is to throw an after wedding party on a later date for everyone not invited to come to (plus people who were but want to come to another party I guess?). In that same backyard they got married in. Basically, a big drunken gathering of people who didn’t make the actual list. If this sounds like a crazy idea, it is. Because instead of helping us financially with the real wedding expenses, she just wants to spend her money on a party for her friends (many of whom have no relationship with my fiance). 

But stay firm. Stay firm. Do not give in. I had to tell her point blank, we have a limit and that means some people just won’t be coming to the wedding.  Eventually, they will accept it (or thrown their own fake wedding party after). 😛 

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