Post # 1
Does anyone else have a larger family but also have ideas of a smaller intimate wedding? Where did you cut off the guest list?
Our wedding is in May so I know I still have a while before I need the guest list confirmed and I obviously don’t need to send invitations for months but it is really weighing on my mind already, mostly due to budget and not knowing how much we will spend or have to allocate to other areas.
Initially I had planned to only invite aunts and uncles as my parents each have 5 and 6 siblings. One of my uncles found out I didn’t plan to invite any of the cousins and he was annoyed, he told my parents if his kids weren’t invited then he wouldn’t be coming. At the time I was upset that I had upset people so I caved (without telling any aunts/cousins) and my Fiance and I looked at our budget and figured out how to accommodate the extra 20 or so people. Now as I think about it more, and married friends keep giving my the general advice to just do what we want during planning I am on the fence again. Who is he to say that? If he won’t attend because his kids aren’t invited then he can stay at home, to be blunt he is probably the uncle I would miss the least anyway.
Cousins are all between the ages of about 5 and 27, most being in their upper teens. The whole family is close knit so it is definitely a case of inviting all or none, but to make it difficult my oldest cousin is getting married a few months after us and I know she is inviting all the cousins.
On the one hand I don’t want to spend the extra money but mostly I don’t want people I only see once or twice in the year to be sat there watching us get married. I also don’t want such a huge group at the reception and not making any effort to interact with other people, which is exactly how they will behave and the event will feel so segregated. But also I’m a people pleaser and I don’t want to make it awkward and cause a family rift!
Post # 2
No one is owed an invitation to anything.
Cut it off however you want. Doing in circles makes it easiest in terms of explaining (sorry, we had to draw a line somewhere due to budget and weren’t able to invite any cousins). But then you have to be firm and no exceptions. But you are also fine just inviting whoever you are close with. People will eventually get over it (and if they don’t, eff them – one less petty person to deal with in life).
So personally I would just call his bluff and if he RSVPs no, then that is one less meal to pay for.
Remember: you are “people” to. Are you really a “people pleaser” or is that code for lack of inner strength to stand by your decisions and being a doormat? Cause there is a difference. A people pleaser would pick steak even though they like pork because they know 80% of their guest list prefers beef, but it doesn’t matter because they will both be delicious. A doormat lets themselves get completely bowled over on major items and fundamentally change who they are and what they want for one person complaining.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Have the wedding you want to have. If you don’t want your cousins there, don’t invite them – and if your uncle chooses not to attend, it doesn’t sound like he’d be missed massively anyway! Don’t let other people hold you to ransom.
Post # 4
We made it very clear that, while we would love to invite everyone it just isn’t possible. Fortunately a lot of the cousins I didn’t invite live interstate, and knew they wouldn’t be able to make it…
I’m sure there is ‘correct’ way of doing it, but I didn’t follow that haha oops.
Post # 5
KiwiDerbyBride : You’re right, ransom is exactly what it is. And that is almost the main reason that I am growing more inclined to stick to my initial idea. If he actually doesn’t come because all the kids aren’t invited then we’re better off with him not being there!
Post # 6
annabananabee : In this case doormat is probably more accurate! I just have to remind myself that even if there is some fall out, my fiance and I aren’t saving for a year and a half just so we can add a few extra thousand to the wedding bill to please other people. It is our day.
Post # 7
I have 15 first cousins ranging in age from 18 to 62. Most of those have children and some of those children have children.
It was established a long time ago on one side (the side with more cousins and once and twice removed) that we don’t invite cousins to weddings any more.
Post # 8
I invited cousins on my mom’s side but not on my dad’s side. However they were all grown up out of the house. I think it may be different if they’re under 18 and living with the parents (unless of course you’re having an adult-only wedding!). You have to cut somewhere! No one is entitled to be invited to a wedding.
Post # 9
zzar45 : I feel that you should only focus on your happiness. If your family wants to be petty and be upset, let them be. It should be about both of your happiness. Weddings today focus so much on the families rather than the couple’s wants. I’ve decided that I want a small back yard wedding when the time comes with maybe 30-40 close friends and family. Take the money you would spend on the extra people and put it towards something you guys want.
Post # 10
Cut off in a way that works for you we invited some uncles ans aunts and not others same for cousins. We invited family members that we actually have a relationship with. If someone doesnt want to come because their kids arent invited thats a free space now! Dont stress over it do what you can afford. People have to get over themselves. I invited uncles and aunts who havse been a meaningful part of my life in some way.
Post # 11
zzar45 : I have a large, close family and I’m close with most of my cousins one side. I felt mean and agonized over the decision to exclude some on the other side that I haven’t seen in years. I did pick and choose. Ultimately I know people might not come because of this but I also don’t feel the need to host people who I barely have contact with.
One of my cousins who I am inviting didn’t invite me to his wedding and I honestly wasn’t bothered by it at the time but now planning my own wedding I totally get it.
Unless your uncle is contributing, he doesn’t get a say.
Post # 12
I have an extremely large family in comparison to my husband, mom and dad have 4 and 5 sibling respectively, lots of cousins, whereas my husband has 1 aunt on his dad’s side, 2 cousins, and his late mom was an only child. Inevitably, my half of the guest list ended up being a lot larger than his, I invited just family, up to my cousins (and their small kids) and only had 3 friends, whereas he invited a lot more family friends. Our guest list was around 80 people.
You can invite whoever you want to invite 😘
Post # 13
zzar45 : I wouldn’t call you a doormat – you are considerate of other people which is not a bad thing as long as you set and stick to personal boundaries.
Having said that, I think your uncle is wrong – this is your pocketbook so you get to decide where the cut off is. And you’re being fair, it’s not like you’re inviting some and not others, which would be a recipe for familial discord. My son and DIL had an intimate wedding and went through a similar process of deciding who they actually wanted to be there and share in this special moment. We were supportive of their choices and would certainly have said something squashing any type of comment. Maybe your parents could do the same for you.
Post # 14
I didn’t invite all of my cousins (I have 18 of them) I invited the ones I actually see and hang out with. My Mom did make me add 2 to the list that I wouldn’t have invited but I doubt they will come anyways. My problem was 2nd cousins, I am pretty close to a lot of them but I cut it off at 13+ because we couldn’t accomodate all the kids on my side and my FIs side.
Post # 15
The main reason I am torn and tempted to invite them just to keep the peace is because I live away but they are all living back in my home country. So my parents and siblings are the ones who have to actually deal with any fall out it may cause, not actually me. I think if they were just annoyed at me I could brush it off but I feel awful potentially harming the family dynamic and then going back to the country I live in.