(Closed) Guest list DRAMA!

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Are you offended when you receive an invite to a wedding and your kids are not invited?
    Nope, I can understand that not all people want children at their wedding. : (37 votes)
    80 %
    I'm so totally offended I can hardly see straight. : (0 votes)
    I wonder why they want me to come but not my family. I mean come on, my kids are angels! : (2 votes)
    4 %
    I'm ok either way. : (7 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    1356 posts
    Bumble bee

    My fiance had friends who wanted to bring their kids despite the fact that we didn’t invite them. My response? Let them come. It wasn’t worth ruining the friendship between my fiance and his friend over it. But I’m lucky – our venue is really flexible on space, so adding two kids meals wasn’t a big deal!

    If it’s that important – put your foot down. But if not, my feeling is that it’s not worth offending someone (although I sure hope I wouldn’t be offended in the same situation). Good luck!

    Post # 4
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    Here’s the thing about bending the rules for one set of parents – other people will be at your wedding without their children (because the invitation stated NO CHILDREN), see the 2 kids running around, and will probably be upset that those kids were allowed to attend but not their own. 

    It’s a slippery slope 🙁

    Post # 5
    2207 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.  In this case, you or your mom needs to call her and apologize for the misunderstanding, and explain that you have chosen an adults only reception due to _______________ (venue, meal choices, or even just to give the parents a break.) They may still ask if they can come, but be firm in explaining that there are SO many fmailies with children invited to the wedding (they dont know that your FHs husband might have several) and that if one exception gets made, people might be offended that THEIR kids werent brought along or invited.  Its your wedding, that was rude that she call your mom, but your mom should really be the one to straighten that out.  There is a tactful way to do it without offending the person

    Post # 6
    613 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    im not a parent, so i dont know how much my opinion counts…

    i had a ‘no kids’ wedding. people rsvp’d to bring their kids. i called them all, told them not to bring their children – my cocktail reception, beginning at 9 pm, was completely inappropriate for 8 yr olds IMO – and you know what, several brought them anyway. what can you do? it probably just made them uncomfortable.  dont feel guilty about it.  you have enough on your plate already than to worry about people being offended.

    Post # 8
    150 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I would be very upset if someone just brought their kids to the wedding if the kids weren’t invited. I would like to have a no-kids reception, but I know how much it means to my fiance to have his nieces and nephews there, and I completely understand, so we’re limiting the kid count to immediate family only. And despite how this post sounds, I do love kids! 🙂

    I really do feel for parents who want to bring their kids places, but I think it’s completely within a couple’s rights to insist on an adults-only wedding. You’re throwing the party (and a rather fancy one at that), so you get to decide the guest list–nothing against the little ones, of course. But think of it this way: what do kids really get out of weddings, especially late-night affairs? I’ve seen some who seemed to be having a good time, but a lot of them just looked bored and out of place. I suspect for some parents, the insistence on bringing their kids boils down to not wanting to have to find a sitter for that one night.

    Post # 9
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    So we weren’t going to invite my cousin’s kids (just because there was almost nobody on our guest list with small children and we didn’t really want to deal with it) and when my cousin and his wife asked if they could bring them, we initially told them no. However, we reconsidered for a couple reasons:

    – One friend was bringing her infant and although I didn’t put him in the same class as preschoolers, I felt bad letting one friend bring a child and not another

    – I realized that this might be the only chance that my cousin’s kids got to see their great-grandmother and spend time with their grandfather, who was there, and although it wasn’t my job to provide a family reunion, I was happy to do it once I thought about it that way

    Luckily the kids were all very well-behaved. This cousin had actually once taken his kids to a wedding he didn’t realize was adults-only and had been pretty embarrassed by it, so he was pretty sensitive about it. 

    Anyway, that was a very complicated way of  explaining why in one situation it made sense to allow somebody to bring their kids, and also a way of saying that if somebody insists on bringing kids even when you say no they will probably be a little embarrassed in the end. 

    Post # 11
    349 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I just wanted to chime in and reiterate that you shouldn’t feel bad about a no kids wedding. I don’t think some people understand what a hassle it is. For one, especially for people in your situation, where there are a TON of kids in the family, it adds up fast, and sometimes that means not inviting friends that you’d prefer to have there over little Timmy who won’t even remember the wedding anyway. If you have limited seating, a no kids policy should be more than understandable. I’m not a parent, but if I were, I’d be happy to hire a sitter for the night so mommy and addy could have a grown-up night (I know many who feel the same way).

    Two, most venues and caterers will still charge you an arm and a leg for a kid’s meal. We didn’t find this out until several months after we signed our contract with our venue (hotel), but for a kid’s meal of chicken fingers and fries, with a soda and juice drink package, it was almost $50 with tax and gratuity. That’s insane for chicken fingers.

    We were originally having a no kids wedding as well (which is why we were unaware of the price), but when it came down to it, we only had one kid under the age of 16, and that couple had to travel, so we just decided to let them bring their daughter (5 years old). If it had been more than 2-4 kids though, we would have put our foot down because of the cost.

    Post # 12
    14 posts
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I had to deal with exactly the same thing and my parents (who were also NOT paying for the wedding) did not support me and thought I was being rude not inviting my cousins who were still children. I lost sleep over this, I was sick about it, my now husband briefly mentioned this to my Future Mother-In-Law and she was over the moon enraged we would even consider having someone from my family but not hers… which created tension between us. I knew simply that I had to grow a backbone and do something. 

    I actually decided to confront the situation head on and deal directly with the person requesting their kids join as well as my parents. I said to my aunt that while I would love to invite everyone in my family, my now husband’s family, all of my friends, heck, everyone we knew, we simply couldn’t because our venue had restrictions, as did our budget. I did not apologize, I did not quaver, and I did not feel bad once it all came out of my mouth. I agreed with my aunt when she said that baby sitters are expensive simply stating that I hoped to learn that someday when we have kids of our own, but in the meantime so are weddings.

    Trust me, this was OUT OF CHARACTER for me because I am the world’s worst caver! Ultimately, it was my aunt’s choice then if she decided to come to the wedding (and she did and had a great time). I then simply told my parents that any questions of who should come should just be referred to me.

     Our wedding is now over (bummer!) and it was great and I made the right decision.

    Post # 13
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    I have kids.  I would not be upset if my kids weren’t invited.  Most wedding receptions are in the evening.  Kids have to go to bed half way through the recepion anyway.  I don’t know about other parents, but I thoroughly enjoy an evening without them once in a while.  If  iwas invitedto a wedding that included them, I’d probably leave them at home anyway. I think the only was I’d bring them is if there were oteh kids they could play with, and some really good prearranged activities to keep them occupied.

    Post # 14
    1276 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    My Fiance and went through this recently.  He wanted kids, I did not really.  And my parents (hosting/paying) really did not.  So guess who won that one?  Nonetheless, Fiance has never been super happy about it.  We did offer to find babysitting for Out of Town guests, though.  A bit over a week ago, a friend of his emails asking if it’s okay to bring their 8 month old (and can they have a high chair).  They will not do so if kids are really not okay, but they would prefer to bring him.  Now I get that it would be hard/scary to leave your 8 month old with a baby sitter you don’t know…but still, yeesh!  Anyway, Fiance was super embarassed to say no, but he did have to.  Tehre are several other guests who I know are working hard to make their own childcare arrangements, so it’s just not fair that the one person who’s more insistent about it gets an exception.  And seriuosly, we’d have like 20 high chairs if we didn’t make a no kids rule…

    FWIW, we are inviting the kids in the Bridal Party (our two nieces).  I don’t see this as an issue.  I suspect others might.

    Stick with your guns on this…b/c I think the worst thing is to make an exception for one family and leave other guests wondering why they oculdn’t bring their kids.

    Post # 15
    383 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I don’t have kids so I can’t comment on that side of things, but knowing my personality and my FI’s personality I think that we consider the "no kid" rule a blessing! I will love my kids, but I am going to have the rest of my life to be with them… I know I will want my times to just have a night alone with my Fiance and be able to ‘celebrate’ with the new happy couple, and if that means having some drinks (which it will) then it does! I don’t think I will want to bring my kids to non-family member weddings anyway! Maybe it’s just me, but kids aren’t going to want to sit through the whole day anyway, and they definitely aren’t going to cooperate no matter how "well behaved" they are.

    In your case, though, I feel like it’s too late to rescind what your mom has already told your cousin. It would have been one thing if your cousin had called you but since she called your mom and your mom already said it’s okay, I think it- unfortunately, too late to go back on that 🙁

    Post # 16
    963 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery

    I don’t have children (yet) so I don’t know if it is fair for me to answer this question, but I would like to think I would totally understand b/c we aren’t inviting children to our wedding.

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