(Closed) guest list drama

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
2864 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Skittles131: I hate to say this, but part of the drama sounds like you never clarified that this is the FINAL guest list. If people have forgotten to include people, too bad, so sad. Final means final. If people try to come back it’s easy to say, I understand you’d like to include them, and I hope you understand that they weren’t on the final list we all agreed upon. It’s tough because your  / his(?) parents are paying.

It also sounds like you didn’t plan for waves of invites / b-listing. When I was doing corporate events, that was a pretty common practice to hit target attendee numbers. Some people might frown on it, but I don’t know why. A-listers are people who aren’t forgotten when pulling together the original list. If someone was left off, chances are you aren’t that close so they are a “b-list” friend / relative. 

I’m avoiding guest list drama by not getting input from my parents or my in-laws. We’re 100% responsible for our wedding and that includes the guest list. Our parents will be notified as a courtesy when STDs/invites are mailed but there is no negotiating because there’s only potential for drama. My family knows that I will not hesitate to leave if boundaries are being crossed or they are being disrespectful. My FIL’s can whine all they want — it doesn’t mean I have to listen. Sorry I can’t be more helpful. 

Post # 3
178 posts
Blushing bee

I do not have guest list drama because we knew what we wanted and we made it very clear to my Future Mother-In-Law that our guest list would be decided by us. No obligation invites.

We have 50 people (including ourselves and our bridal party) at our wedding, at first I was concerned after I sent out the save the dates that I’d get a snarky e-mail or 2 but so far nada! And really, anyone who would get mad and send a snarky e-mail I’d write them off anyways because people should understand that not everyone can be invited.

I think your mistake lay in not saying “Mom, Dad, you get to have X amount of people on your list of invites” and doing the same with your FI’s parents and then of course making out your own list and having a proper deadline as to when this should all be done.

I don’t think having a “backup” list is a problem, I mean not everyone is going to make the initial list. So I would have invited the 180 people that were most important and should be there and if people back out, either don’t fill the spots, or fill them in with a list of backup people.

Post # 4
7 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

I feel your pain Skittles!! Why on earth would your mom or your FI’s mom think you want to fill your venue to capacity lessining the enjoyment of you and your guest? Its sad that people lose sight of whose wedding it is and whose happiness should be the focus.

 I wanted a small intimate wedding of no more than 100 people but our list is now at over 175 courtesy of my Future Mother-In-Law. She literally invited more people to the wedding than me and my Fiance. It caused so much stress and drama with me and my Fiance that I finally gave up the fight to have a small intimate wedding.

Since I didn’t get the small wedding my Fiance agreed to pay for a post-wedding brunch where I can invite  30 or so of the people that are important to me and my Fiance and his mom isnt’ allowed to have any involvement with that list. It doesn’t make up for having a ton of people at my wedding that neither me or my Fiance have ever met but it did make me feel better.

Good Luck!!

Post # 5
3270 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We had the same issue! Our venue (per fire code) can hold 300 but the coordinator said 275 is comfortable. So of course we’re inviting 340 people! lol I’m not too worried about it. And if we get more than 40 declines, we have a B list. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Over 50 ppl are just my dad’s friends, and my mom, and Fi’s parents are inviting way more friends that we are. But they’re excited and I’m happy if they’re happy!

Post # 6
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club

I’m with you on the feelings about “B listing”… but it may work if the folks aren’t too close to you. I’d definitely be upfront with the moms here and tell them that there additional guests will have to wait for RSVP declines. Maybe you can even supply them with something to say… “Oh, long-lost-friend, thanks for asking about the wedding. Dear daughter is still planning and finalizing the guest list. It’s so tough when venues have such strict limits!” Just stress to them that they should NOT extend any verbal invitations in case the original list all shows. 

Post # 7
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Are your RSVP cards printed already? If not, I’d set an earlier due date (maybe 5-6 weeks before the wedding) and invite b-listers by 4 wks in advance. If the date is printed and is within a month of your wedding, then they probably is too late to get any new invites out. Usually “no” rsvps are the latest rsvps. 

B-listing or sending invites in waves isn’t actually against etiquette as long as you keep ppl who know each other in the same round of invites, get all invites out with enough time for b-list guests to plan attendance (4 wks advance notice for local weddings and approx. 3 mos notice for destination weddings), set RSVP deadline/s that reflect when ppl get their invites (for instance if you give b-list invites at 4 wks out, their RSVP deadline should be 2 wks before the wedding, not some date before they even received their invites), and don’t talk about it. 

There is no rule that all invitations need to be mailed out on the exact same day. Some bees don’t like b-lists but that is often because ppl don’t implement them properly, not because b-lists or waves of invites are always inappropriate. 

Post # 8
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

And this is why I’m glad my parents/FI’s parents (even though both sets are paying for it) left the guest list to us. They haven’t even asked to see it 🙂

Post # 9
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If it’s helpful, StDs are a rather recent wedding-machine invention. People are/know they are “B” list guests when they receive formal invitations two or three weeks before the wedding, instead of the usual six to eight. So, I wouldn’t let who received StDs worry you! But I would have one firm, final conversation with both sides with the understanding that invitations will only be extended to whomever is on the list at the end of that talk. 

Post # 10
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I had some drama regarding the guest list too. We got engaged in December 2012 and took our sweet time looking at venues, not booking a reception site until March 2013. Our reception site is on the pricey side, but since we only wanted 100 people we did the math and it was within our budget. AFTER booking our reception based on the 100 number, both sets of parents sprung 6-10 people each that they wanted to invite. My mom basically insisted in a rather rude way (and in public at at restaurant), while FI’s parents were more polite but still kind of like “this is what’s happening.” Both sets of parents are contributing financially to our wedding, but are certainly not paying for it 100%.

I think what bothered me most is that they all knew we were making a guest list when we got engaged and nobody said anything about these extra guests until long after we put a deposit down and finalized a place. I just feel like they could have brought that up to us sooner if it were that important, and maybe we would have chosen a place that was $50/plate rather than $100/plate. We are allowing them to invite their chosen guests, knowing that not everyone we invited will come and it will probably even out. It was just frustrating!

Post # 11
3361 posts
Sugar bee

I would also question how close are these 20 people that they didn’t even cross her mind for many months. 

Honestly, if she hasn’t even considered them in months they aren’t important to her.  Just stand your ground and memorize this phrase “I’m sorry but that won’t be possible”

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