Post # 1
So Fiance and I just hit the six month mark in December, which is exciting, but now everything feels like it’s been kicked into overdrive! I just booked the caterer yesterday, two of my bridesmaids went on their own to look at dresses and surprised me with some pics (literally they are so amazing I can’t get over how helpful they have been). My mom and stepdad are at our venue today to get more pictures and hopefully book the officiant, so things are really coming along. I am however, getting frustrated with Future Mother-In-Law and her super last minute additions to the guest list. Fiance and I asked both families which family members were important to have there (since there are some that neither Fiance nor I have seen since we were little kids and that we don’t keep in touch with). I got my list from my parents and his mom gave us a couple of names and we all agreed not to invite some of the cousins since there are so many and they all have kids and eventually our smaller wedding would be huge. Over the holidays, however, she was telling me that she just saw her sister and was talking about all of these people coming to the wedding that neither Fiance and I had added to our guest list. We were frustrated but since it was family, and she made it sound like there were like 10 people maximum we decided to just deal with it. She emails me the list of addresses and everything and all of a sudden there are 35 + guests that she has on there, and I know her well enough to know that she has told most of these people to expect an invite. We ordered our save the dates back in August and did not account for this many extras. We ordered enough for a few additions but not 35. And not to mention, my mom is paying for everything so this is additionaly money for her but no expense for Future Mother-In-Law. (Not that she has to pay to have any say in our wedding…she helped pick my wedding dress and I have tried really hard to include her in the planning process.) How do we tell her that we can’t invite all of these people, especially since like I said, she has most likely told everyone all about the wedding and that they’re coming?
Post # 2
My Future Mother-In-Law almost did the same thing to us, but once we explained that our venue was too small and we were severely uncomfortable to have so many people we weren’t close with at such an intimate and important day, she calmed down and only picked a handful of people to invite.
Post # 3
Your Fiance needs to very clearly tell her that you are not inviting the 35 additional people as you already asked for her guest list and can’t add that many more people now and will not be inviting ANY more people
Post # 4
PrincessShelly : buzzerbeater : I keep asking/telling Fiance to call her and he keeps putting it off. I know that he hates confrontation and he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings but it’s so frustrating because at the end of the day I feel like I’m going to look like a bridezilla for having to be firm with her
Post # 5
msmeow13 : can you help him draft an email to her? “Thanks for sending your list! Can you please narrow it down to 10 people? We don’t have room for your 35 guests.”
Post # 6
msmeow13 : No offense but your Fiance needs to grow a pair and tell his mother to cut her number of invitees. If she’s inviting all these extra people without clearing it with you both first, then that’s on her. It was never her place to invite people….that’s what invites are for. So if this is so diffcult for your Fiance to do you should be concerned because this could be a growing problem of Mother-In-Law pushing boundaries and your Fiance not being willing to establish them.
Post # 7
msmeow13 : Your husband should be the one to deal with his mom. I would suggest that he frame it as “The good news is we can add 10 of these people. It doesn’t have to be 10, if 6 makes more sense or whatever, that’s fine too. And if narrowing it down would be awkward, we can make it easy and not add any of them, that’s up to you. If you do want to invite some, will you please send me up to 10 names by Tuesday evening, or do you already know who it should be?”
ETA: And if she’s already verbally invited them, that’s her problem not yours. If she says anything to you, I’d just say “oh, that’s unfortunate.” Period. Not your problem.
Post # 9
You guys are right, he needs to set some boundaries. And as far as the people she told are invited, that can be her issue to figure out. I feel bad because other than the recent wedding stuff, she’s normally really awesome. She’s super nice and we’ve always gotten along really well. I think it’s more of the fact that she always just goes with the flow and doesn’t really think about logistical stuff. I’m sure she will be understanding, it just stresses me out that we only have six months left and the guest book, I thought, had been finalized way back in July.
Post # 10
I hope, for the sake of your life together, that he learns to stand up to his mother.
Post # 11
Yeah, Fiance needs to handle this and Future Mother-In-Law needs to not offer verbal invites to people. It’s your wedding, not hers. Plain and simple.
Post # 12
msmeow13 : you need to decide how many she can invite, and your Fiance needs to communicate this to her. It is mother, and so his problem. If it comes from you I can guarantee that you will be made to look like the ‘bad guy’ and that she will create drama.
Also agree with PP that you should give her a deadline of when you need the names, and stick to it. If you don’t have them by then, they don’t get invited. Simple.
As for those she has already ‘invited’: as PP said, that isn’t your problem, so don’t concern yourself with it.
FWIW, my bet is your Future Mother-In-Law knows exactly what she’s doing here, and was hoping to guilt you into giving her more invitations. I have a hard time buying that a grown woman doesn’t understand the logistics or expense of organising a formal wedding and genuinely thinks it’s OK to invite 35 people without consulting with the bride and groom, or those paying for it.
Post # 13
Bee, he needs to say something ASAP! DO NOT get in the middle, it will definitely look like you are being the bridezilla, pushing her sweet little baby to uninvite her precious family. He definitely needs to be the one to say it, and I’d suggest something like: “Whoa Mom, we talked about adding 10 people. We cannot accomodate this many, please let me know which 10 you’d like me to invite and we will do that.” and then keep shutting it down “But johnny, this is my 3rd cousin who I havent seen since I was 10!!! You must invite them!” “Mom, I already told you that we cannot accomodate more than 10. We need your final list by X date.”
Post # 14
You tell her you simply cannot afford to invite an extra 35 people to the wedding. She absolutely has to pay to have a say in the guestlist. If you’re willing to allow her to invite extra guests, then tell her exactly how many she can invite (e.g., 4 or 6 total).
I agree with previous posters that your Fiance should be the one dealing with his own mother.
Post # 15
I understand that your Fiance should deal with his mom-I agree. In my situation though, my DH’s stepmom knew I was the one drafting the list and I specifically asked her for family to ivite & addresses. She gave me all these extra “friends” of the family (more like her friends), some of who my Darling Husband had never met and the others he hadn’t seen in years. I didn’t invite them. She knew we had a strict budget and a small guest list. I do think that your Future Mother-In-Law should pay for these extra guests if she wants them. You could tell her that or just say there’s not room in the budget. Or get your Fiance to tell her.