Post # 17
What a tough situation you’re in. You’re melding two families styles together into one with you & your Fiance. Neither way is right and neither way is wrong. Maybe if you explain it to your Fiance in those terms – HIS parents do it this way, and YOUR parents do it that way. And ask him why he feels the way YOUR parents do it is wrong. Just because it’s different? You could turn that around on him quite easily and insist that YOUR parents are right and HIS are wrong – because THEY’RE different.
Might get him thinking…and closer to a compromise that will make all of you happy. Good luck.
Post # 18
I am the mother of the bride and paying 80% of the bill. My future SIL is inviting 30 friends and 20 relatives that I have never met and I am paying for them.
Since your mom is paying for her guests, she should have her say. I bought a book Wedding for Dummies for my daughter and her fiance and I underlined the part in the book that says, “Whoever pays will have say. That’s just life.”
If your Fiance is not flexible and won’t let your Mom invite a measely 6 extra friends, you will have problems with him later in life.
Post # 19
6 extra people is nothing you and your FH and being a bit unreasonable, and if your parents are paying for it then whats the problem? They should be able to have some of their friends come and share the happiness and support them. If she wanted and extra 25 people I would say you really need to talk to her, but for 6 extra people dont make a big deal of it, Thank your mom for the wedding and get their address’s so you can send out the invite
They are doing something wonderful for you, why not return the favor and show your appriciation by inviting the 6 people they requested?
Post # 20
I agree with your Fiance about not wanting strangers there. And think you’re mum is out of line, especially when you mention what “she wants”. But since you’re folks are paying, I think you should invite them. Obviously it’s a big deal to your mum and if you don’t invite them your parents could potentially pull all their financial support. And then, heaven forbid, there might not be a wedding. How does your Fiance feel about that?
I didn’t mean for this to come across so mean 🙁 I’m sorry. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.
Post # 21
As sucky as it sounds, you’ll probably end up having to invite them. My mom wants to invite several people I barely know, and it bothers me. I have met them, but I woulnd’t have invited them if she hadn’t said something. At least in my situation I think most of them wouldn’t come, but if they do, by the time the day comes, I probably won’t care because I’ll be too busy spending time with the people I truly want there. Just explain to your Fiance that it’s only six people, and you probably won’t really notice them anyway.
Post # 22
I had this issue too with my parents – they had 4 couples, three of which I was happy to invite, but the 4th I had no recollection of ever meeting, though they have known my parents for almost 40 years.
I brought it up with them saying I was uncomfortable with it, and they argued the whole “we’re paying” side. Eventually my husband got me to come around by bringing up the point that they wanted to have fun at the wedding, and if this was their only point of contention so far it wasn’t worth it to have it hanging over our heads during the remainder of the wedding planning.
My parents had a fantastic time and are still raving about it 2 months later. I barely noticed this mystery couple, although I made a point to talk to them to welcome them, and they were clearly enjoying themselves, so all in all, it worked out. In retrospect, I was making a mountain out of a molehill.
Just a question – is this 6 friends or 6 friends with partners? I can see how six couples would be a lot, but 6 people might not be too bad – especially out of 150 people
Post # 23
I had the same attitude as your Fiance, since we had been together so long we wanted people that knew both of us and it worked out perfectly. It’s great that your mom offered to pay but when it comes down to it, you invite who you and your Fiance want. If you and him agreed on a no strangers wedding then I would stick to it. However, maybe he would invite them if you all did something ahead of time so he had a chance to get to know them.
Post # 24
Thanks everyone for your advice, you actually have no idea how much this helped.
I appreciate the different sides of it too, because at the end of the day he is my fiancé and I love him and want to stand by him. His opinion means more to me than anyone else’s. He also has given me pretty much free reign of all of the other wedding details, this is just one thing he doesn’t seem to want to compromise on. However, it is also important to me that my mom is happy because, well, she’s my mom! And I love her too. I don’t want him to feel like I’m not on his side because that’s not the case. I don’t want something as silly as a wedding guest list to put a wedge in anyone’s relationship because it’s not worth that to me.
Hopefully we can overcome this obstacle without too many feelings being hurt.
Post # 25
Sorry, but I think if they are paying then you lose control of having the final say in decisions like this. Both my parents and his parents are paying for the wedding. It will be at my FI’s parents house and his mom works for the city hall, so there will be a bunch of people I don’t know too well. I also encouraged my parents to invite their friends so they would have a better time – two of my mom’s friends plan on going, and while I haven’t spent a lot of time with them they are lovely people. In all honestly I would have been fine with having a smaller wedding outside of where we are living, but it was important to my Fiance we get married where he grew up, and part of that is just going with who his parents want to invite with their own money to their own house.
On a more constructive note, maybe have your mom make a point to introduce her friends to your Fiance before the wedding?
Post # 26
I think you might have to nicely tell your Fiance to suck it up and deal. 😉 Really, it’s 6 people and since your parents are paying I would just let them. We offered our parents to invite people, because we consider it their party too, but both told us to invite who we want. My ILs aren’t inviting friends, as it’s Out of Town, and they are already inviting a HUGE family list of people. I told Mother-In-Law she could invite them if she wanted, but she said she wasn’t going to (although I might encourage her to invite at least the one friend she wants to). My parents origionally said they weren’t going to invite anyone, and then ended up giving me about 5 couples they wanted to include.
Post # 27
I think your should invite the 6. They say around 20% of people will decline and you would likely end up paying for 150 people and have less then 150 guests, that would be terrible. At least this way you will meet your minimums and keep your mom happy.
Post # 28
Of course you would be “paying” for friends and family of the groom that you haven’t met, it is his wedding. Did you think that only your daughter would get to invite people since you are paying a considerable amount?
Post # 29
Why don’t you and Fi invite 80% and let each set of parents have 10% to invite? That’s MORE than fair.
Post # 30
Thanks everyone 🙂
Everything ended up working out just fine. I explained to my fiancé (again) how important it is to my mom for her friends to be there, and then added how important it is to ME that she is happy.
This seemed to completely change things. Because it was no longer just about what my mom wanted, but what I wanted as well. His goal in life is to make me happy. It took over 2 hours to get there, but we did. I didn’t have to tell him to “suck it up” but instead told him that we need to consider everyone’s feelings when making this decision. He finally seemed to understand and agreed that it is only right to allow her to invite her friends. Thank God.
Last night, we asked his parents AGAIN if they’re sure there aren’t any friends they would like to invite. They said “no” and that it’s “our day”. Got nowhere in that department, lol!
Thankfully, we were able to come to an impass and everyone is okay now. No hard feelings. My mom loves my fiancé to bits so I’m happy their relationship wasn’t strained over a guest list. How sad would that be?
I appreciate every single one of your responses so thanks again 🙂