(Closed) Guest list etiquette conundrum

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, technically 5 years would be a serious relationship, so if that is your criteria for inviting people as couples you would invite her.

Fiance and I discussed and discussed and argued about and discussed the guest list policy, as it sounds like you have been doing.  We finally decided that anyone we didn’t actually see socially didn’t get an invite, even if we think we would really like to see them socially. In practical terms, if over a period of years you never go for drinks with someone or have them over for dinner, you don’t need to invite them.  This was a hard one for him, as he kept saying "But I LIKE them."  My answer was "Not that much, clearly, or we would make time to do stuff with them."  We also decided we wanted to absolutely minimize the number of people there that one or the other of us didn’t know.  There will be enough family anyway that he hasn’t met or I haven’t met.  We therefore mutually decided that we are not inviting anyone who is either just his friend or just my friend.  I think that is reasonable too – we will have been dating almost three years by the wedding, so the friends we haven’t even introduced to each other can’t be such good friends, yes?

Maybe you need to investigate more thoroughly why your Fiance wants this guy there.  If its just nostalgia, or regret that they are really no longer friends, that’s not a very good reason.  Maybe if you talk about it for a while he will realize that too.  And maybe the idea of having to invite the Girlfriend who neither of you know is reason enough to change his mind about inviting the friend?

Post # 4
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

If you want to know what I think most people in your shoes would do- Invite her- she is not a fleeting girlfriend and she has been in his life for 5 years. Obviously the end decision is up to you.

Post # 5
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but if your budget allows, invite the friend + gf. I know it makes no sense, but if this is one person he wants to have his way ( out of the entire guest list), let him have it. In the end maybe less people will RSVP than you think so it will be all good.  ,

Also, I think a gf of 5yrs is serious enough relationship to get invited. In the end however, decide what you feel is right for you and your Fiance. It’s your wedding and your $$$.

Post # 6
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

yes, if you are going to invite him, then invite her.

who knows, she may turn out to be his one redeeming quality.

Post # 7
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2005

Yes.

Post # 8
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

i vote for yes as well. It is essential two people you’re inviting, but it sounds like this person is someone your fiance wants to continue to be a friend to. 

Post # 9
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

I think that you ahve to invite her if you are inviting him.  However, if this friend lives in the area and your Fiance only e-mails him and you haven’t met him I would request that you meet him and his GF before you send out the invite.  If he does not live remotely in the area then it is understandable that they only e-mail and you have yet to be introduced.  (If these guys haven’t seen each other in years then the friend may have changed/matured a lot since the days of the stories you hear.)

I live at least 4 hours from my hometown and all of my family so there are lots of people my Fiance won’t have met.

Post # 10
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

If you’re inviting him, you should invite her (maybe she’ll keep him in line).  And if you were asking to whom to address the invite, I’d send it to both of them (if they live together) with her name first; if they live separately, I think you should send the invite to him but put her name on the inner envelope as well (or on the outer if you’re not doing inner envelopes).

Post # 11
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

yeah, I would say to invite her too. I mean, I think the decision is really whether or not to invite him–but once you’ve made that choice, then you should treat him as courteously as any other guest.

My Fiance has a distant friend who, well, treats weddings casually (like, shows up late in ripped jeans and dramatically spiky blue hair)–but I know my guy will want to have him at the wedding b/c the friendship is important to him (even if they hardly see each other). And I think that’s fine because I don’t need to have any control over how the guests behave or look–we just want to have people around us we love!

Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you already know you have to invite her if you invite him, and what you are actually asking is if, to follow etiquette, the actual invitation is ‘addressed’ to her first?

I’m pretty sure it is.  Unmarried couples living in the same household, the woman’s name goes first on the invitation. 

We received an invitation to my fiances second cousins wedding and it was addressed to me first, followed by fiances name.  Boggled our minds for a minute until I started reading the proper etiquette on envelope address.

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