Post # 1
Hi Bees! I need some advice. I was really looking forward to having a smaller wedding (around 90 people) now we are closer to 130… BIG DIFFERENCE. We are having our reception at a fancier place so plates aren’t cheap. I wanted to have just really close friends and family since my family is very small (I can count my extended family on one hand), and we are inviting very close friends on my side (who are basically family).
Problem is, Future Mother-In-Law decided to put on the guest list quite a few of FI’s extended family and friends of the family whom I really don’t even know. Fiance and I are paying for the wedding completely. I do not want to seem rude by telling Future Mother-In-Law that we will have to cut back on guests… but I don’t see any other way! I am trying to cut down on my side as well.
Has anyone run into this issue of trying not to offend the in-laws and at risk of seeming like a bridezilla?? I have a great relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law but I try to be very respectful of her and accomodating, since I am marrying her youngest son. I am trying to make everyone happy and of course Fiance and I are remembering that this is our wedding and we will invite who we want in the end. Is there just a polite way to explain to Future Mother-In-Law the situation?
Post # 2
Well, is your fiance close to these extended relatives? I have over 80 aunts, uncles, and cousins. All who I know and am close to. My husband still doesn’t know them all, but he knew we would invte them all because there was no way I could not include some of them.
If these are 2nd cousins, great aunts and uncles, etc. that would be one thing, but if it’s immediate relatives it is kind of rude to not invite some of them.
Post # 3
I had a similar issue, my side of the family was 30 people and my husband’s italian family made up 130 people…so 160 people to invite. Honestly only 110 showed. I wouldnt worry so much, not eveyone will come.
I wouldnt explain anything to the Future Mother-In-Law …she doesnt have to see your guest list..is she the type that will call the extended family and ask if they got an invite? Plus, like you said you are paying for this 100% (we did as well and no one knew any details really)
Post # 4
Thanks, ya that makes sense. i guess I should also factor in that some people may in fact not come. It’ll be finnneeee …. hopefully lol.
Ya he does know them all, ack I guess we will just have to do some extended saving!
Post # 5
You could also go back to your Future Mother-In-Law and say that you’ve budgeted for X seats for their family and ask for her help in whittling down the list. Perhaps she’ll offer to pony up the cash for the remainder?
Post # 6
I suggest that you address it right away. My Future Mother-In-Law wanted to add about 12 people to our guest list, including a couple my fiance has never met either! I have a large family so didn’t really want to complain at first but I am resenting this a bit. My friend part of the list is only about 18 people and there are tons more I would like to invite but don’t have room for. But at this point I feel stuck. Wish I had said something up front.
Post # 7
This is your fiance’s wedding too. I’d discuss it with him and if your joint decision is to cut some of the people from his mom’s requested guests, he should be the one to talk to her about it. It doesn’t have to fall on you.
Post # 8
DH comes from a culture where everyone is family. We decided on a small wedding. Invited 50 guests, paid for the wedding ourselves, and split the guest list 50/50. We invited immediate family, close friends, and aunts/uncles. No cousins. No children. It was perfect.
Post # 9
Talk to your Fiance and see if he is set on inviting all his relatives. Then, depending on his answer, I’d talk to Future Mother-In-Law about your joint decision. This way she knows what the deal is, doesn’t ask about invites to people who aren’t getting one, etc. I also think its better to just deal with her and the issue up front than to not address it.
I would also expect everyone you invite to come. Don’t count on people saying no, its just easier to expect them all to yes, and be happily surprised when you get a few no’s than to expect some no’s and be frustrated you get more yes’s….if that makes sense.
The other alternative is, like you said, to just save as much as possible to cover all the plates. Or look for a different food option that is more budget friendly, even talking to your venue/caterer about what options you have since your amount of people has changed so much. You never know until you ask what sort of agreement you can come to. Maybe changing an entree choice might save you hundreds or serving two apps instead of 3 could save you a few more hundreds. All that adds up to money in your pocket!! Just think about all your options with this aspect as well.
Good luck, bee!
Post # 10
All I can do is share my story. My fiance insisted we invite 10+ people I don’t know. Everyone said it wasn’t a big deal and to get over myself. Now, 4 months out, I am so disappointed I didn’t put my foot down. To me, having an intimate wedding only with people we know and see regularly was extremely important and now i will never have that. You do you, whatever that is. Some people could cope but I cannot. If you know in your heart it’s not what you want then don’t worry about offending people. They will get over it. This is about you and your fiancé and your new life together, not appeasing people you hardly know or your in laws
Post # 11
Thank you everyone for your input. It has really helped me think about this more clearly! You guys all rock.
I definitely like your idea about saving money with the apps. I will for sure figure out a way to cut corners elsewhere if we have a larger wedding (larger wedding for me that is haha)
I totally agree with you. I think I am a bit hesitant with offending people however because one of my best friends dumped me out of jealousy. It has been tough. So since then I have been trying to make sure everyone is happy and not offend or hurt anyone… I’m going to discuss it with the Fiance more though, we will not invite anyone we do not want. We will put our foot down or figure out a compromise on both sides if they wish to invite more.