(Closed) Guest List Grudge

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

“I don’t care what people say, you do not have 200+ close family and friends.”

Thats very presumptious statement, every family dynamic is different and and some people really are close to that many people.  My dad has 8 siblings and all my 1st cousins are very close to me. I really do have 200+ close family and friends.

Post # 4
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think you did the right thing now, but maybe not initially.  By letting your Future Mother-In-Law add people as long as she paid for them, you were setting up her to think it was just a money issue and that it could be stretched.  I think you should show up at her house with flowers or a bottle of wine (or something nice, a potted plant maybe) and say, “I want to apologize for how I handled things.  I didn’t make myself clear from the start that it was less about money than having an intimate party.  And though we appreciate your generosity, Fiance and I are worried that this wedding is becoming something we don’t want for our special day.”  And then enlist her help in coming up with a solution – maybe a second reception for her side of the family?  I don’t know.

In my personal experience, I did feel a bit awkward about cutting down my FIL’s list.  They have a large family, and there were a lot of rules about “if we invite this person, we have to invite these six as well.”  It’s just not like that in my family.  But it was easier for me because they weren’t paying at all.  That said, I did stress the fact that we wanted an intimate wedding, as opposed to just harping on the money aspect.

Good luck with all this.  Probably a decent amount of people won’t come, so you might still be closer to 150 than you think.  But I know it sucks.

Post # 5
Member
671 posts
Busy bee

I am the first to jump on the bride’s side.. but I feel like when the costs are being split you really have to take the payer’s into consideration. If your Future Mother-In-Law wants to pay 50% of the wedding I would totally go for that. You can still spend time with the people you want by just briefly being introduced to the people you have not met. I mean.. sometimes you really have to consider people’s culture.. it seems like his mother is very proud that her son is marrying you and wants to share that with family…

Post # 7
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Some people DO have 200+ friends and family, like me since my mon has 10 siblings and my dad has 9. However, I still want to limit my guest list to 150 so I agree with you. It tough since she is contributing she should have a say but you should give everyone a specific number that they can invite and thats it.

Post # 10
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

@bells: You kind of missed the point and didn’t actually offer anything helpful or useful.  This post isn’t about you, it’s about the OP and the issue she’s having with her guest list.  Cut her some slack.

 

@upstatebroad: I completely understand and feel your pain.  When we were planning our wedding, we had decided on the guest list, and the budget (which was based on the guest list), and we had let everyone know what the deal was.  We sent out the guest list multiple times to our parents so they could double check and let us know if we’d missed anyone.  Everything was finalized, and I sent the list out one last time so that our parents could double check spelling and addresses.  That’s when my Mother-In-Law sent me an email adding 40 additional people to the list.  REALLY?!  I was….displeased.  I didn’t know these people, and neither did my husband.  We could have fought with her about it–my husband was displeased because he didn’t want a lot of people at the wedding…it took a lot to convince him to have 100.  He doesn’t like crowds.  But, we decided it wasn’t worth the fight.  I didn’t want drama, I didn’t want anger, I didn’t want all those negative feelings heading into our wedding.  So we let it go.  And I’m really glad we did.  Maybe you guys can just give her this one?  It’s just not worth all the fighting and the tears and the anger.  Do it for yourselves.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@upstatebroad: I’m sorry but I totally agree.  The same thing is happening to me.  My Future Mother-In-Law wants to invite all these friends of hers that I have never met and my Fiance doesnt care about.  It’s really frustrating.  We only want 150 people there too.  Dont these people understand that the wedding is about US, not THEM?  We are inviting everyone in the family.  Isnt that good enough?

Post # 14
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

@upstatebroad: We ended up with just under 100.  About 85% of our guest list was coming from far away, so even though we invited 200, less than half actually showed up.  It was a perfect number and it made my husband REALLY happy :).

ETA: I think the letter was a really good idea.  Hopefully, when she’s reading it she’ll have a chance to really think about it, calmly, and she’ll hear what you’re trying to say, and respect it.

Post # 15
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

The letter was a great idea!  I am going thru the same and we have been married 15 yrs.  This is exactly why I did not have this big event in the first place!(enough with my vent).  I just had a very honest conversation with my parents and his this weekend.  They all wanted to invite relative we had NEVER met.  My mom was aweful but I stayed firm and even when dad said he would pay for the extra guest, I said no because what of the extra work and planning( for strangers!).  His mom did not push me but then went full on with him alone.  We stayed true to the plan and although there are angry, hurt parents on both sides now, it will pass.  All parents want to live thru their kids(just a little) but in the end they love us.  Just stick to your plan and she will come around.

The topic ‘Guest List Grudge’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors