Post # 1
Anyone else run into this issue? My parents are paying for almost everything venue wise—food, drinks, site fee, etc. We haven’t talked to his parents about contributing but they offered to (we just haven’t gotten into specifics). Anyway, I asked his family for a guest list, thinking his mother would keep it semi-reasonable and my fiancee even told her to aim for about 75 people. She came back with more than 100! My mother is inviting 60. So they are going to have almost twice the invites and my fiancee and I are limiting our guests to 40 each. So it seems a little crazy to me that she is inviting all these people and my parents are paying for the chunk of the wedding that is driven by people—food and drinks!
I was thinking about going back to his parents to pay for the 35 people difference. Or should I ask them to cut the list? So frustrating.
Post # 3
Welcome to my world girl! This is the same issue we’ve been dealing with. I can’t take it, everytime we visit his mother she “reminds” us of more people we should be inviting. The only thing is, these are people that are friends of hers, or family that she never ever even speaks to. It’s maddening! Eventually I lost my cool, kinda and spoke to my Fiance. Before that, I just smiled at her and vented to my friends. I told him that it really bothers me that I have such a small family and that his outnumbers us, so for her to continue to adding people is really stressing me out. Not to mention my family is paying for the wedding so its not right to them. He was sorta guilty of doing what his mother was doing too, so he skimmed some people of the list, and told his mother that she’d have to pay for the friends she keeps adding. We’re assuming (well, hoping) that they don’t all show anyway. Good luck!
Post # 4
That’s my world, too. lol ALL of my guests are Out of Town and most of his are local. 30% of the people on the guest list are mine, and most of them probably wouldn’t even be coming due to distance, where as his side has 70% people and Future Mother-In-Law is trying to add even more people (strangers to us!) to the list. We will be asking her to pay for the extra if she keeps on inviting, as my parents are paying for 1/2 of the wedding but they have been respectful to not invite more people and my Future Mother-In-Law is going nuts asking us about the maximum capacity of our venue as if she wants to fill it up.
It’s very frustrating and it drives me crazy. GL!
Post # 5
Is your venue limited on space? Have you thought about splitting the guest list 3 ways (you/FI, your parents, his parents) and keeping each list to that. Your Future Mother-In-Law is probably not being malicious, she may not know that you’re trying to keep it to a certain headcount.
Post # 6
Yep! All my family apart from my mum and sister are Out of Town and all his family live in the same area that we do! It’s definitely going to be lopsided but that’s ok for us. I’m inviting more of my own single friends to make up the numbers so it doesn’t look like I have no family! LOL. Also we’re paying for everything so that helps.
Personally I’d ask them to cut the list. Tell them that due to venue constrictions they can only invite 75 people and can they please cut their list down to that amount. That way you’re putting the ball in their court and if they want to offer to pay for the extra people then they can offer to do that then.
Post # 7
I think you need to figure out how many people you can afford. Then go from there. If that means that they can invite the extras if they pay for them, fine. Also keep in mind, you’ll get some declines too. So it might not be that bad in the end.
Figure out what your parents’ money is going toward. Are they implying they are only paying for their side? Are they coming out and saying that they intend on paying for the whole shot? Personally, if your FI’s family is larger, I don’t think he should be punished for that. But I don’t know what kind of parameters you put on the guest list. Is your mom’s 60, everyone she wanted to invite? Are you inviting cousins? In other words, if you get to invite your whole family, he should probably get that chance too, if it’s important to them. However, if Future Mother-In-Law is inviting random friends and your mom isn’t, then maybe you can cut them off.
Also since your Future In-Laws offered to put some money in, maybe it’s time to just talk to them to see how much they can contribute. Maybe they were planning on paying for their people. But I would work out how many ppl you can swing with the money your parents are giving you, and whatever you’re contributing, first. That way you can let them know right away, if the numbers don’t match up, and they need to make some cuts.
Post # 8
family out number’s my Fiance family by far. I’m inviting all of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin’s children, and some of my distant extended family (idk why)). My Future Mother-In-Law has past away so I asked my FFI for a guest list and he said he’d bring a date, the woman he’s been dating, and to just invite all of Fiance aunts and uncles. Fiance only has 8 aunts and uncles including their spouses. To even it out he’s inviting more friends than he’s got family. I think that’s only fair.
Post # 9
I think like @tanya123 said, it depends on whether those people on your FIL’s list are close family members or if they’re looking at this as an opportunity to invite random co-workers. My FI’s family has way more guests than my side does, but he just has a bigger family, and his parents would feel rude not inviting everyone (even their third cousins…yes, this drives me bonkers). I would find out from your parents if there’s a limit to the amount that they feel comfortable paying, and then explain that to your FIL’s and either they pay the difference, or you and Fiance pay the difference. Good luck–the guest list was one of the most stressful things for us!
Post # 10
Welcome to my world…..That is totally not fair…My Future Mother-In-Law wanted around 135 people and I wanted to keep the TOTAL al 200….So what does that leave me? 70 people??? I DONT THINK SO…So she has some MAJOR cutting to do!
Post # 11
Our venue can hold more than 250, which is what our list is at now. And yes, his family is bigger than mine, but his mother is also inviting a lot of her friends. I had my fiancee look at the list and he didn’t know who at least 10 people were! And he said “oh thats one of their friends”.
I mean if you have an extra $30 at over a $100 a head, I’m pretty sure I could do a lot with that money towards other aspects of the wedding…so I guess thats my point.
Some of my friends have told me that they usually just went to Future Mother-In-Law and said “you can invite 70 people”. Instead of asking for a list. I am wondering if I made a bad decision by letting it be so open…
Post # 12
I’m in the same situation. I don’t think the guest list has to necessarily be equal, but you should both agree on who on each side gets invited. Like what types of relatives, etc. If he has more aunts, uncles, and cousins than you, then so be it. However, if his guest list includes every person and their mother and yours doesn’t, there is a problem. You should make a limitation based on what types of family members and friends (i.e. only very close family friends, or something like that).
Post # 13
We’re also dealing with this. I go back and forth between just saying “oh well” and being really frustrated by it. While FIs family is bigger than mine, his parents have chosen to invite a lot of randoms that are supposedly super close friends. I feel like they completely overlooked our desire to have a more personal wedding. The only good thing is that most of their guests are out of town, so only if they find our wedding to be a worthwhile journey will they make it. Hopefully that will help to weed out the randoms.
ETA- so far I have paid for EVERYTHING so I am very sensitive to the guest list. Fiance called his mom to discuss a couple of people on there and told him to quit being so anal about it. Ummmm, maybe if you were paying then you’d get it.
Post # 14
Yeah, try splitting the list even and speak with Future Mother-In-Law about cutting her side to fit the figure. The thing about asking her to foot the bill for extras can be complicated, since I’m sure regardless of her paying or not, you don’t want a lot of strangers at your special day….especially when you could have invited more friends!
This is the dilemma that I have…FI’ family continues to want to add distance relatives and their friends, whom my fiance is either not close to or just doesn’t know.
Post # 15
@lampshade127….I totally feel your pain….I’m paying for about 75% of the wedding myself as well…with fiance contributing more after completing medical school….my parents have helped as much as possible, about 10%…and of course only an offer ot pay for rehearsal dinner, which we are very grateful for. But I do get super irriated by the fact that as the day draws near, they all of a sudden want to add folks and willing to pay for them….it’s like ok, you are only helping so that I can put people on the guestlist…that’s not right!
Even though my family is much bigger and I’m paying for most of the wedding, from teh very beginning fiance and I took the total number we could afford and split in half. So anytime Future Mother-In-Law complains about not being able to added extra random folks because my family is so big….fiance gladly reminds her that we split the list even!!!
Post # 16
Oh yes. I am going through this, too. My mom and I are paying for the wedding, and my Fiance and I originally wanted an intimate ceremony and reception. Since most of my family is deceased, I only have 60 people on the list; these represent both my friends and my mom’s friends.
I drafted up a list that represented FI’s family (his is huge) and came up with about 115. His parents? Tacked almost 50 people onto THAT list. So right now, we’ve got 60 people on my side and 165 on his. This is so much bigger than I ever wanted or planned for, sigh. His parents have offered to pay for any guests that go over our (already creeping) budget, but still. I am not comfortable with that many people, many of whom I have never met (!), watching as I take sacred vows with my Fiance. Sigh. Just sigh. We have already tried to negotiate with his parents, but their stock answer is “well, we’ll just help pay for the extras.”
Y’alls are not alone.