Post # 1
Member
18 posts
Newbee
My son is engaged to a wonderful girl that we have treated as family for years. They have decided on a small wedding and are inviting all of their friends. The other Father-In-Law is contributing 1/2 and the couple are contributing 1/2. FDIL and son do not seem to want any family there or to give us the opportunity to invite any friends. They have made a list that includes who want to invite and do not want to consider any additions. The venue is not yet booked and the date is not set.
We don’t have a large family especially since the ‘drama queens’ have to be left out. But their friends consist of probably 80% of the list. I am willing to pay for expenses over their budget.
I am hurt. I don’t think they understand how important this day is to us. Maybe it really isn’t that important to them. They do live together. Maybe they think it is just the step to take before having children.
I only have three cousins and three aunts/uncles. I don’t understand why they won’t consider it. My son said FDIL wants a small wedding, but even if we invited Everyone on our wish list, the wedding would still be under 125.
Th
Post # 3
Member
18 posts
Newbee
They have consented to invite out of town relatives that probably will not come, but I don’t see how I can invite aunts and uncles that won’t show up and then leave out the ones that would. Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 4
Member
2615 posts
Sugar bee
what is there guestlist number. is future daughter in law really shy and not one to like spot light on her
Post # 5
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
What do they consider /samml’ & realistically, how many extra people would you want to invite?
Post # 6
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Have you expressed calmly to them how important it is for you to have some of your family there? And have you also told them you are willing to pay to cover some costs?
I personally think it is very unfair of them not to consider your feelings, as it doesn’t sound like you’re being unreasonable in your requests. Do they have a strong reason as to why they wouldn’t want some of your family there?
Post # 7
Member
8682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Hmmm…I dont know bc my mom and I constantly go back and forth over the invite list. I find it very annoying that my mom and Future Mother-In-Law want to tell us who to invite. Why cant we have OUR one big day? I dont think parents understand. Maybe other bees will chime in that think differently and can help you to talk to them.
Post # 8
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
So they want a small wedding and are inviting their friends and not your friends?
What about this scenario makes you think that a wedding is not important? Maybe it is important to keep it small, and keep the people closest to them there (their friends and immediate family) and not the rest of the family. I think you should try harder to respect their wishes to have the wedding they want, not the wedding you want them to have.
If you want to get together with your aunts/uncles, why not plan a separate get together? Why does this need to occur at the wedding?
Post # 9
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@NewlyMintedFMIL: I have to say, it was only AFTER my wedding that I realized that guests the parents wanted to invite were just as important as the guests I wanted to invite. We only wanted guests at our wedding we had a relationship with – and that’s where we drew the line.
Since cost is not the issue (ie: they understand you are willing to pay), then it sounds like they don’t want guests they aren’t close with at their wedding. My opinion is that you need to respect that (even though I certainly understand why you’d like to invite people to the wedding!).
Post # 10
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
Just because they want to invite only their close friends and close family doesn’t mean this is just a stepping stone to have kids. I’m sure their wedding is very important to them, which is why they’re being so strict. This wedding isn’t about your family, it’s about them celebrating their commitment to eachother with the people they want to be there. I think you should respect their wishes and let it go.
Post # 11
Member
18 posts
Newbee
@asianyoushi: 75; not shy but she is not the most confident person.
Post # 12
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
@NewlyMintedFMIL: I think you should be allowed to invite some of your extended family and friends if you’re willing to pay, but it looks like you want to add another 50 people on top of the 75 they already have. You’re truly not respecting the couple’s wishes if you want to do that. I would advise against trying to invite so many more.
Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee
@Nic01: Well, I’m going to drop it. I haven’t said anything to them to start with. But you brides should be aware of the hurt you can cause by not giving your FIL’s even one invitation. You do marry the family, not just the man, and if you leave out the family. (Hey, I’m leaving out the crazies, myself)
Post # 14
Member
18 posts
Newbee
Of the 50, 25 are across the country and will not come.
Post # 15
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
@NewlyMintedFMIL: There is a significantly different feeling in the atmosphere between 75 guests and 125 (the number you mentioned above). It could very well be the difference between the bride and groom getting to spend quality time with everyone vs. not being able to.
I am/was in a similar position with respect to my parents. I am not close to my uncles, aunts, or cousins and do not consider them to be nearly as close as the friends we are inviting to the wedding. (Goal was ~70 guests.) I appreciate where you’re coming from, though, as my parents thought it best to keep the peace and pay for the extended family to come. In the end, it wasn’t worth fighting that battle, and our numbers have crept up to 80-85 guests.
I don’t know your son and FDIL’s rationale for the small guest list that excludes extended family, but for me getting married is a profoundly personal experience. I want to be surrounded by people who have invested in my life and in whose lives I have, in turn, invested. Due to distance, etc, my extended family happens to not sit in that category — in fact it will have been 8-10 years since I’ve seen some of the family attending. I’m not thrilled about this, but I’m not horribly upset either.
Would you be willing to host a reception several weeks/months later in your son and FDIL’s honor to incorporate your extended family? Would they be amenable to this, too?
Post # 16
Member
18 posts
Newbee
And that was my first draft. It was totally shot down. I divided it up in categories, by the relationship so they could review it. I thought we would discuss it and mark people off, but they don’t want any of them.