Post # 1
So I recently proposed to my girlfriend of almost for years last Saturday. Althought its only been a little over a week, she already wants to book it for next October. So this past weekend, I went with her parents to look at a few venues. They are paying for the bill because she is the oldest and only daughter. As of right now, with all my family and close friends and a few of my parents friends, I am down to almost 70 people. Her side on the other hand has more than 150. I told her I dont agree with cutting my side down (which my whole side is people who know US, rather than her side who only knows her or just her parents). This has caused major issues between us and her parents and myself.
Can anyone give me some input, preferably from past experience? They want my dad to pay for 25 guests, but how can I justify paying for only 25 when my side is more than half of hers? I need to recify this problem ASAP.
Post # 2
First, congrats on your recent engagement!
Second, those who pay get the say. So that means her parents have final say over the guest list.
As far as your Dad goes, did he offer to help pay for some of your guests or are they just telling him that he has to pay? If it is the latter, then that is very rude on their part.
Also people invited to the wedding don’t have to know the both of you to deserve an invite. There were many people at my wedding who only knew me or only knew my H. But guests lists can be very tricky things. If her parents are cutting family members out from your list just so that they can invite more of their friends, then no, I don’t think that is very fair.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2017 - Not sure
I’ll offer some advice. My guest count on my side is about 50 people. My Fiance is 110 total. So guest count is about 160. His parents agreed to paying for it. My father is offering 5k. This is only about a fraction of the total cost of 19k. So if your FI’s parents are taking care of the costs minus 25 on your side, that’s about 1/3 of your guests that you have to pay for. So, they are still paying for 45 people. It’s not a terrible thing to ask for a payment for 25 people, when you consider how much of the bill they’re actually paying. If you fight it, they might tell your you’re on your own. Best to just let it go, rather than fight it. You figure, if they are paying for about 195 guests, that’s a pretty big bill on your side. Just my advice, seeing as we’re kinda in the same boat! Lol! It’s all a matter of compromise.
Post # 4
You and your fiancee need to be making these decisions together. What part of this is coming from her parents and what part is coming from her?
The reality is that if your fiancee’s parents are paying, that may cost you a lot.
Post # 5
thats the thing, I thought considering its our wedding we should have the say. I know theyre paying for it and that doesnt go unnoticed, but shes cutting her friends out and in turn telling me these people cant come. The thing is her friends and my friends all know each other, so everyone would be hanging out together rather than seperate factions.
My list of people started at 98. I cut it down considerably to around 70. But they are pretty much making it my problem that there are too many people invited and I need to cut down my side of the list. That part is coming from her parents insinuating to her that we need to get rid of people.
For example, if i was allowed lets say 65 people, and they said any more than that you need to pay, I’d be completely fine with that. But its coming down to because their side keeps growing, mine needs to shrink without any consideration.
Post # 6
I suggest that you and your Fiance pay for the wedding yourself. That way you have complete control of the guest list. Sadly her parents are forking over the money so they have final say in everything. If you dont’ like that, then you need to pay for the whole shabang.
Post # 7
I think you should come up with a fair number.. 70 guest for you to 150 for her.. does not seem fair. Why does she get so many.. you need to sit down and say something to her. Just because her family is paying for it all does not mean they should be crossing your guest list out or telling you who you can’t have etc
Post # 8
What does you Fiance think of what her parents are doing to your side of the guest list? Honestly, I’d have HER talk to them about it.
I get that they’re paying so they have the final say in a lot of things, but I think you’re already being very nice by cutting your list down to where it’s less than half the size of theirs. However, if her parents draw a line in the sand about this, I’d just tell them thanks for the offer but you two will be paying for the wedding yourself.
Post # 9
The easy thing to do would be to just pay for your 70 people. But honestly, there needs to be a conversation about who is paying for what and when. It doesn’t seem fair that you are asked to reduce your guest list and it is your wedding too. If you pay for dinner for your guest, are they also expecting you to pay for the 7 or so extra centerpeices, chairs, linens, favors etc.? Are they expecting you to foot the bill for traditional groom’s expenses like the rehersal dinner? You have to get everything out in the open. I would suggest making a set of guidelines as to who can be invited and who should not be invited.
I am currently struggling with my guest list as well. FI and I came up with 115 people that we wanted there. Then after my parents were offended that we did not invite certain family members & thier friends our list is now at about 209 guest.
originally we invited our respective households, parents siblings (ants & uncles) and thier children (1st cousins), grandparents and their siblings (great aunts/uncles) but not their children. Finally we invited the friends that we vacation with and see on a regular basis and are “key” to our relationship. So much for my intimate mansion wedding. We are now looking at generic hotel ball rooms . I think my original list is amazing and would have been an intimate affair with those that know us best. And I doubt anyone else added on the new list even knows that we are engaged since we did not announce it on social media. Which brings me to ask how do other people decide who to invite to their weddings anyways???
Post # 10
I didn’t have this problem, but I witnessed other people around me with this issue. Typically, it is true, who pays gets the say (which I don’t fully agree with).
Since both of you are making a “his & hers” side of the list you both need to do this. Make your guest list as a whole for each side then make the following rankings: Make an “A-list” people that you cannot imagine this day without “B-list” you want to invite them but it’s not imparitive that they attend “C-list” you could certainly do without them but you thought about including them.
The idea is you total the entire number with all of your guests AND START CUTTING. The C-List people almost don’t even need to be mentioned but once you get some of these people down on paper you realize they don’t really need to be there (if you have high school friends that you think you need to invite because you might hurt their feelings, trust me, that isn’t the case, they won’t invite you to their wedding 2.5 years later).
If your future in-laws give you a cut off on how many you can invite, and you have a surplus of guests you MUST invite, offer to pay. Also be aware that 25% of the people you will invite to your wedding, won’t come.
Post # 11
I’m sorry that’s happening…I think it’s true that whoever pays should have a say, though not the ONLY say. You would think that her parents would realize that a marriage means joining families, not just celebrating one side.
I agree with others who say that your fiance should speak to her family. Family/friend conflicts that arise during engagement are actually an important step to becoming a united married couple. If your fiance is unwilling to compromise her side, or stand up to her parents in favor of what is right for the two of you, then that might be a more complicated issue to work through than just who’s paying for whose dinner, you know? Maybe it’s a good opportunity to talk about establishing boundaries and how you each see the role of family and friends in your future together.
Best of luck.
Post # 12
While they are paying they do have more of a say BUT they should be understadning and fair too. Ex. Each family gets to invite 70 guests and any ammount over that you have to pay for. I would definitely talk to your Fiance about this before it becomes more of an issue and before you resent the situation all together. Best of luck and CONGRATS!!