Post # 1
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
My mother and I are fighting over my guest list and have been since i got engaged. My fiancee and I are paying for our own wedding and my mother in particular has made that point clear. I believe she said weddings are a waste of money and nobody wants to go to them anymore. That being said , the woman who doesnt believe in weddings and isnt contributing wants me to invite family members I am not very close with. My mother is an only child and therefore has no siblings. My grandmother is one of eight. Those other seven great aunts and uncles are the ones she wants me to invite. We have lived in different states my whole life and Out of all of them i am somewhat close with 2 and their families. I really dont feel the need to invite the others but the fighting with my mother has escalated to a point now where i think i may have to elope to get her of my ass.Not to mention he isnt inviting any of his grandparents siblings because his grandmas response when asked was why would you .. you barley no them. Yesterday she told me to have my fiancee cut his bestfriends parents cause thats just a waste and he is clearly making the list to big and my fiancee was very upset to here this cause he is very close with them. And if i here “you cant cut family , family is always there” again i may shoot myself. Especially in my situation where they truly havent been ever. What should i do ? Please help!
Post # 3
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
If you are paying for it, you get to invite who you want. If you are not close to her side of the family then I would not invite them. On the other hand if you want to keep peace with your mom, then invite them and they probably won’t come anyways. Stand your ground, its your wedding.
Post # 4
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
If she’s not helping financially, you can invite whoever you want to. However, if you do not invite them, how will your future relationship with your mother be? Will she be upset forever? How is your situation now? If you have had a great relationship up until now, you may want to invite another 8 people to your wedding just to make her happy and end the drama.
Post # 5
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
@WeddingBlues: If you are paying, then you get the final say.
I suggest you no longer engage with any more discussions on the guest list with Mama. Instead, come up with the figure that you and Fiance can afford, write out your lists and figure out how many spaces you can offer your mother. Then tell her: you get 30 people. I don’t care who they are, I don’t care who you have to cut to do it, but it’s 30 people and that’s it. And I would make it very clear that she has absolutely NO say in who your Fiance and his family invites.
If there are certain relatives that YOU really want to be there, include them as “your guests” and just tell your mother that she doesn’t have to worry about including them on her list.
Post # 6
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I think this is different from culture to culture, some cultures believe more strongly in having all family at the wedding even if they arent that close to the bride and groom. But ultimately its your decision.
Post # 7
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
I would try to remember that this wedding is about launching off a life with your fiance, and to therefore make decisions that will be the best for your relationship with him, not your relationship with your mother.
That would mean not letting your mother pressure you into inviting more than you can financially afford, because that can negatively affect your new life with your fiance. And that means standing up to your mother when she says things that are hurtful toward your fiance, because this marriage means that the important relationship is now with him, and you need to take care of him over her.
Post # 8
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
If it helps (and it might not):
It could be that your mother’s siblings won’t (all) come. How old are they? You mentioned they lived out of state. Sometimes older people have trouble traveling. Some of them may recognize the fact that they barely know you, and not come. Some of them might not be able to afford it. It’s one thing if you’re fairly certain they’ll all accept the invitation (in which case, please disregard all of this). But if you know that it’s unlikely – – well, that’s only a few more guests, right? It MIGHT be worth keeping the peace with your mother. (But on the other hand, it sounds like she’s being very unreasonable, and you might not want to reward such manipulative behaviour.)
From personal experience, this is why I have no problem inviting all my father’s brothers and cousins from England (none of whom I really know). I know very few of them can afford/are willing to pay for the trip, but I’m sure they’ll appreciate the invite. And if a couple of them do happen to come, I’ll be touched and not really worried about 2 or 3 more guests.
Good luck! You’re paying, so ultimately you should stand up for what’s important to you. You have every right.
Post # 9
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
Give her a set number of people she can invite. If she wants extra, she pays for them.
Post # 10
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
Choose the people you want to attend first and then if its room I say invite them. If there is no room, then oh well, they will be ok and so will your mother.
Post # 11
Member
7774 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I agree with JennyW. That is a very good way to approach it.
Post # 12
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I think it’s time to stop discussing the wedding with mom! No money = no decisions, no discussion, no input, no advice, no knowledge of the plans. Thus, no stress!
Good luck, and stick to your guns.