Post # 1
My guest list is literally giving me nightmares. For budget reasons originally we wanted an extremely small wedding, immediate family only. I have a HUGE extended family, my father comes from eight and my mother comes from ten. So first it was immediate family, then godparents, now it’s some of my aunts and uncles from both sides, but not all of them. I can afford to have all of my aunts and uncles from my dads side, but not my mothers. My dads side all lives in the same area, I’m relatively close with all of them, and bottom line – I want them there! They will all know i invited some and not others, while my mothers family is spread out and dont really communicate with eachother. I haven’t seen anyone from my moms side in ten plus years. I was never close to them to begin with. But of course my mother is all bent out of shape eventhough she doesn’t even see or really talk to most of her family (My mother and I have a terrible relationship to begin with) What the eff am I supposed to do? Keep my guest list as is and risk hurting my dads family, invite my dads family but not my mothers and make my mother mad, or somehow try to invite both and go into debt (Which I’m not even sure I can swing). I kind of feel as though my relationship with my mother is un fixable, and I should have who I want. I would be paying for the extra people. But I don’t want her being completely horrid to me and to them on the wedding day (yes, she’s like that). I sent Save-The-Date Cards to the people I knew we could afford (It sounds so awful to say it like that but it’s the reality of the situation we are broke). I know my dads side who didn’t get them have heard about them. Is it in just completely bad taste to invite them now? What do I do? Invites go out next month! Help!!
Post # 3
This is such a sticky subject… I would have made very clear family lines and stuck to them. For example: Aunts and Uncles from both sides are invited, but cousins are not.
However, Fiance is completely the opposite and like you, he is inviting some aunts/uncles and not others. If I were you, since you have such a huge family, I would invite those you are close to, and try to avoid questions from the rest :/
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2013 - The Down Town Club, Philadelphia
As someone who got bullied into inviting people I don’t even KNOW to my wedding, I will tell you that you should hold fast. I feel queasy when I think of people I cut to be able to invite my Dad’s friends. In my case, he is paying for the reception, so I didn’t feel like I could argue with him.
But, since it sounds like you are your Fiance are footing the bill, that’s the end of the conversation. At least that’s how I feel. If you’re not paying, you don’t really get a say.
Tell your mother if she is upset, she should pay for those extra people. And then tell her how much it will cost. She will change her tune.
I also have a very difficult relationship with my mother, so I feel you on that too. Sometimes, you just have to follow your convictions and do what you want to do. I wish I had.
Post # 5
Pay for the people you are willing to host.
Tell mom if she wants to add beyond your capped number, she must cover the cost difference of hosting those people.
This isn’t the best etiquette, but I go by the thought that if you pay you get an opinion.
Post # 6
If you haven’t even seen your mother’s family in ten+ years, why would it matter if they are there? Don’t invite them.
Post # 7
We are having a small wedding but it has grown a little. Originally I intended on about 30 guests, but it has grown to 50 and I refuse to add anyone else! That being said, I am only inviting people that I actually want at my wedding. One of my uncles that I am close to is invited, while my mother’s other four brothers are not (they are spread all over the US and I hardly ever speak to them, ever!). My Godparents aren’t invited because I haven’t seen, heard or spoken to them in over 15 years (though we are friends on Facebook). I have 3 stepsisters and one of them isn’t invited because of a fight we had about an issue that I just cannot get over. I know a lot of brides are people pleasers and will invite someone just to avoid conflict, but its your wedding for crap’s sake! I don’t want people there just to be seat fillers. Its harder with a small wedding because it does force you to be more selective. I have nothing against large weddings and if I were having one I would probably invite most of the aforementioned people, but I want a small, intimate wedding with the most important people in our lives rather than acquaintances and people I only hear about through my relatives.
I do feel bad when I am approached by people who weren’t invited (some coworkers, distant friends etc), but I just stress that it is very small and that unfortunately we aren’t able to invite everyone. For us we wanted a big, blow out honeymoon and an intimate wedding. Most people are understanding of this – family or not. I wouldn’t unnecessarily spend money on having people come that you don’t even truly want there.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
Eh, I say invite your dad’s family because you want them there. I don’t have a relationship with my mom or that family, so I didn’t feel bad at all not inviting them. Hell, my mother wasn’t invited. There are some situations that proper etiquette just can’t account for. It’s your wedding. Invite the people you want to share the day with.
Post # 9
Invite your dads family & not your moms if you haven’t seen them in 10 years AND aren’t close to them/don’t talk. I haven’t seen my dad’s family in 13 years but I talk to some of my cousins so will probably invite those cousins. I don’t plan on inviting my aunts & uncles because even though I see them on facebook here or there, we AREN’T CLOSE & they probably won’t even come because they live on the other side of the country.
The only exception I can think of for you is if you sent out any STD to your mom’s family. You can’t really not invite them after you sent them a STD…at least not without some hurt feelings.
Post # 10
I said invite everyone, only because it seems like most epople you don’t want coming won’t make the trip anyways right? So maybe just keep the peace and send out invites, and hope most people can’t come.