Guest list out of control, FI won't cut strangers??

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My parents paid for my wedding and DH’s family didn’t even have an option of inviting their friends (we had a smaller wedding). My in-laws are lovely people and they paid for the rehearsal dinner, but it didn’t even cross our minds to give them an option of controlling the guest list (we did ask for their input on which family to invite). The couple getting married, and the person/people paying for the wedding, get to choose the guest list. That’s it. I agree with other pp’s that you should start the guest list over. Start with the budget and venue in mind and go from there. FI’s family doesn’t get to invite whoever the f they want if they’re not paying – that’s not how it works. Start off with the people you absolutely want there, then go from there.  After you have a better idea on how many people you absolutely need to invite based on your closeness to them, and the budget, then you can decide how many of FI’s parent’s friends and distant family they can invite. Then, give them the number of invites they get, and stick to it. Also, Fiance needs to be on your side and to be the one setting boundaries with his parents. It shouldn’t have to come directly from you. I am angry for you!

Post # 17
Member
3665 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I think it’s a good idea to start over. I would tell him that while you would love to invite everyone and their grandma, you just dont have the space or money to do so and you’d really like to spend your wedding day with the people who are important to you and an active part of your lives on a regular basis, and that you dont really want to spend the day being introduced to people you’d never met before. 

Ex-H and I also invited in circles. Parents, grand-parents, aunts & uncles, cousins, mutual friends, individual friends, then split the remaining seats between the parents to invite their close friends, but the stipulation was it had to be people we’d met before. It made for a great day full of familiar faces. I would HATE to walk into my own wedding and see a bunch of unfamiliar faces, that’d be so stressful to me!

Post # 18
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Tizer Gardens/Carroll College

Sunshine024: I mean, I was in control of my invitation job, and sent them the mailing list myself. That meant that some of the people my inlaws who thought they had to invite didn’t get an invitaiton right away. I will say that the 140 people who came out of the 240 people we invited were exactly the people I thought would be there. There was maybe 2 or 3 surprises. When it all boils down, the people who are your true friends and family, they will all be there for that day. The rest may not show up, because, say it with me bees, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do yourself, and depending on when you have it, several other events may be happening that day, and yours might not be the priority.

 

Post # 19
Member
1499 posts
Bumble bee

Of course your Fiance doesn’t care all he has to pay for is the band! The financial stress is all on you and your parents. I see a big red flag with this. 

I would be tempted to tell your fiance that things have changed and now it will be you and him only paying for this thing. You don’t have to please your fiance at the cost of your parents financial stability. That is crazy.  

Post # 20
Member
3737 posts
Sugar bee

A wedding reception is just a big party. The guest list is decided by the people throwing the party, not by the guests. It’s pretty concerning that your fiance thinks it’s perfectly ok for his parents to demand that your family pay for extra guests of theirs. 

Post # 21
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Don’t marry someone who can’t compromise. Don’t marry someone who feels free to spend other people’s money on things those people object to and don’t want. 

Post # 22
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This is insane. The “compromise” number is insane. You can’t possibly interact with that many people in one night. 

You need to come to a number and stick to it. Just because the venue can accommodate 500 people does not mean that your parents can afford to host 500 people. Your fiance needs to prioritize who he is bringing. Since your fiance’s parents are paying for a small portion, it may be nice to give them an amount to invite, but they do not get to invite that guy they stood in line with at the grocery once. 

Post # 23
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Ok like everyone has suggested I would start again. Take the current list and divide it into groups eg immediate family, extended family, close friends etc and label them in order of importantance eg A, B, C.

then add the groups until u meet your limit (what u can afford), let your finance  review the list in case anyone critical had been overlooked. 

When he states that u forgot so and so let him know they can be invited if I get enough no’s but not on original list.

the best way I found to click my fiancé in was to say to invite all these extras costs this do u want to spend that much on these people.

 

Post # 24
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I’m in the UK and maybe it’s different here, but the amount of people you are inviting sounds insane to me.

There are basic rules for an invite to our wedding. If both the bride and groom haven’t met you, you aren’t invited. If we don’t see/speak to you regularly, you aren’t invited. Being a relative is no guarantee of an invite and there are no ‘tiers’. Some cousins/aunties/uncles/ are invited and some aren’t, because some we see, and some we don’t. I haven’t even invited my half brother and sister because I have zero relationship with them.

It is literally – do we love you, see you often or keep in touch if distance is a factor? If yes, you are invited. I have a huge family and our wedding is still only 70 people day and 100 in the evening as frankly, most of them aren’t invited!

Post # 27
Member
17 posts
Newbee

You are not being unreasonably AT ALL!  It does get tricky when family friends come into the picture.  What’s surprising to me is not that his family are going all out crazy with the invites but that he isn’t backing you up.  From his point of view, though, judging from what you have written, it could be that he’s inviting those people he doesn’t really like to kind of “show” them, if you know what I mean.  Because they were mean to him when they were young, there could be a subconscious part of him that wants to show them how well he is doing and how happy he is with you :). That being said, though, I agree with what the other Bees are saying, to split the remaining invites 50/50 between your families. Good luck 🙂

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