(Closed) Guest list problems and invitation conflict

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your thought process is spot on. While I know it isn’t necessarily best etiquette to have a “B” list. I think it is entirely appropriate here. 

Your mom and dad are hosting (paying) so they get a say on how many people to invite. 45 is totally reasonable to me, so I think you will just have to stand firm and let your Future Mother-In-Law pout for a while. From her perspective, she probably just wants everyone to feel included and while most will probably not come, but you have to be prepared that they will. 

Could you do something like only send Save-The-Date Cards and invite the aunts/uncles and then add cousins as RSVP declines come in?

Your Fiance should be dealing with his mom. If she refuses to return your mom’s phone calls, he needs to tell his mom that she will be excluded from future wedding planning if she can’t “play nice”. 


Post # 4
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with Crabbabs.  Your logic is spot-on.  Your parents are paying for it so they get to have the final say.  Your Fiance needs to deal with his mom on this.  Especially she is not contributing anything to the wedding, she can’t simply “DEMAND” things to happen in her favor. If she can’t play nice, just exclude her from planning and just invite to show up as guest on the day of. 

I am not doing this Western style which my parents would be paying, nor we are doing the Asian style which groom’s parents are paying (which I know they never intended to pay), so we are paying.  With that said, we have the power to have final say on the invite and try our best to “accommodate” our parents list as best as we could.

What I did as I had tons of out of country relatives that couldn’t make up the mind to come or not since it’s so far away in distance and prior to wedding, we don’t intend to send out official Save-The-Date Cards to people.  We just verbally told all the close families and friends and start asking.  That way we have a more comfortable headcount once they reply.  Then we will send out official invites with the B-Listers.  I know it’s not the traditional way to go, but I feel bad if some of the B-Listers find out they are B-Listers. 😛


Post # 5
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

1. Does your Fiance have a smaller family?  How many of that list do you and your Fiance get?  45/200 seems kinda low.  I understand your parents are paying, but that seems way lopsided to me.

2. Everyone who gets a STD must get an invite – even if they say they won’t come.  Is she talking about inviting the whole family? Even people not on the guest list?  You’re right, you definitely shouldn’t invite more than 200 people.  If everyone decides they want to come then you’d be screwed!

3. Don’t do an A and B list.  It’s rude and people are bound to find out – how terrible would that be?  I think the only exception to this is if you make new friends after the invites have gone out.  What you could do is not give single guests (ones that are in town and will know other people) plus ones.  And then if you get some RSVP NOs then you can call them up and say they are able to bring a plus one.

Post # 6
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I disagree.

Not only is the B list rude (people will likely find out they were b-listed, even if they’re receiving the b list invite a few months before the wedding), but what if a bunch of A lister plans change, and they can come after all?  What are you going to tell them?  “Sorry, we gave your spot to a B list?”

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