Post # 1
So, in high school…I had 3 guys I was very close with…one in particular. His name is Chris and our friendship began in my sophomore year of high school, and every since we’ve been very very close. Lately, our relationship has changed, as we date seriously and get into real relationships, I think both of us realize that it would be awkward or inappropriate for us to continue to be “bffs” for our significant others. So we talk maybe once a month, just to get updates, so the dynamic of our friendship has changed…as I beieve it should.
Well, hes dating a girl now, and has been with her for a long time now, who I’ve never met. I dont know anything about her except what Chris and his friends have said, and from what I’ve heard I simply do not like the girl. Yes, part of it is “no one is good enough for my friend Chris” but at the same time, I just think some of what she’s done or said to the other two guys is awful.
SO here’s my question. Do I need to give Chris an “and guest”? They live together…which is probably whats holding me up more than anything. His other two best guy friends will be there, without dates as they are both single…so he’d be fine without her, but they’ve been together for a while.
Do I need to give him “and guest” in this situation? I love my friend Chris and if he wants to bring the girl, I cant say that I’ll even notice that day…but I also dont want her snarky attitude ruining the night for Chris or our other friends. And in addition, to pay that much for someone I dont even know? Ugh…
What do you think? I think I’m overanalyzing…but I just dont know what to do.
Post # 3
Hmmm.. I think that I would probably end up doing the ‘& guest’. We ran into a similar situation because two of our coworkers began dating and we really wanted to invite one of them but I was totally not a fan of the girl. I’m not crazy about her for sure but I figure I’ll be talking to so many people on the night of the wedding I won’t even notice her.
But if you really think that it will bother you, you could always leave her out. But if you send & guests to his friends then that would be tricky. I would suggest since you know his friends are going solo anyway, just send them all without guests. Then he can’t be upset and say “but you said so and so could bring a guest!”
Post # 4
Aw, tough situation! What size is your wedding, and what is your official +1 policy? I think those factors will make all the difference as to whether you’re obviously excluding her. I tend to think that couples living together should be invited together, but there are cases where that’s not necessarily so, such as a really intimate wedding.
Post # 5
I think you should give him an “and guest.” You don’t need to make it formal or anything and include her name on the invitation, but maybe mention to him that you’re giving him the option of bringing her but that you’re cool with it either way so he knows he can come solo too and you won’t be miffed that she doesn’t show. I think whether or not you give him an option to bring her is more about your support, love, and friendship with him more than whether or not she sucks. I totally know how you feel, I have been in a similar situation with one of my guy friends from high school– sometimes I feel like the more important thing is that you show him that you’re supportive of his decisions. If she is good enough for him, you have to at least try to give her a chance… I think we all want the same from our friends. Also I’m totally not preaching to you, I think whatever you decide to do will be fine, ultimately it’s your wedding day. I should clarify, I was on the other side of this– your friend Chris’ side– and I was not asked to bring my then boyfriend, now fiance, to a guy friend’s wedding and even though we’re close again now, it was the impetus for a lot of distance in our friendship.
Post # 6
I do too! Most couples living together I wouldnt think twice about, I just dont know about this situation!
NONE of the guys are getting “and guests”…most single guys we are inviting arent because I dont want them to bring someone random just because they feel like they should. There are some exceptions…if its someone who wont have a “community” of people there, we are giving “+1″s, and guys we are very close to. Most couples we are inviting are both being invited because we know both. But no, none of the guys in our HS friend group are getting and guests. One of my girlfriends from HS is, but only because i’ve met her boyfriend and shes the only girl from my high school invited. She knows the guys, but they havent so much stayed in touch…and Chris knows I adore her boyfriend. So it’s a little different.
I think I’m just trying to justify it…but we are sitting at a 200 guest list, but because we both have lived a few different places and have different “groups” of friends, its been hard keeping it to a number we hope will dwindle down to 200 (we’re well above that right now). We cant add spots because of the venue size, so I’ll be honest..thats part of it. I dont want to invite her, and then not be able to invite someone I know well and would really like to be there. Make sense?
OH i dont know!
Post # 7
What about asking Chris? Maybe he wants his gal there and maybe he doesn’t, haahaahaa Even though you don’t talk often you’re still close friends – ask him what he wants. If he wants his gal include a +1 and if he doesn’t want his gal address his invite to him only!!!!
I have a similar situation w/ my best guy friend from college. We’ve been close since 1998. We have never not talked b/c of who we’re dating etc…But he does date different gals often, lol – as a result I asked him what he wants and he said he’ll come solo, haahaahaahaa
Post # 8
I think you have to invite her, and invite her by name. They are living together so I think it would be kind of weird to pretend like you don’t know her name, or that he might bring a random date. I do wonder how you are such good friends if you’ve never met her though – or do you live quite a distance from them? I would try not to make a judgement on her – your friend has chosen this woman to share his life and home with, so she can’t be that bad 🙂 On the day you won’t even notice she is there but it will be a good chance to meet her and see what she is like. I think if you don’t want to invite her the only way to do that is to talk to Chris himself and see what he thinks and how important it is to him that she be invited. That’s what we did with the couples we weren’t 100% sure on and it worked ok.
Post # 9
Yeah, you’re right– dealing with the numbers game is a lot different actually. We have that issue too. We are really trying to keep it under 200 and are not giving plus ones to anyone who is not engaged or not in serious relationships. This really is a tough call and I think etiquette wise, could go either way. You don’t want to give him special privieleges necessarily especially when you hear she’s terrible but at the same time you don’t want to alienate him from you– why is life so hard!? 🙂
I officially agree with jackie-o, tell Chris what’s up with you not generally giving plus ones and ask him what the deal is with this chick and then make your decision.
Post # 10
I’d probably add the “and guest” out of respect for you friend.
Post # 11
Sometimes we have to invite people that we don’t know in order to honor the relationships of those we care about.
I really think you should invite her. Also, it would be best to address the invitation to both Chris and his girlfriend by name rather than “guest.” If I was his girlfriend, I’d be quite offended that I didn’t receive an invitation, given that they have been dating for a long time and live together (clearly it is a serious relationship).
If Chris is a close friend, and you haven’t even met the girl, give her the benefit of the doubt. I doubt she makes him unhappy all the time and would make him not enjoy his day–he likely wouldn’t live with her! And if he did live with her, then well, at least he is used to it. 🙂
Post # 12
I think you should, your only hearing what people tell you and not seeing it yourself.. Im sure she would not make a scene at your wedding and who knows maybe she wont even go…It is your day do what you think and feel is right.