Post # 1
This guest list stuff is stressing me out I didn’t sleep at all last night. Here’s the skinny:
My parents are paying for a large majority of the wedding. They gave me a budget and we made a preliminary breakdown of what we would be spending on things. We are paying for the remainder of the cost. So we had originally planned for 200 people and with the inclusion of a few extras, and the vendors eating it came out to be 230. Our venue hold 300 so it isnt a problem. What I am struggling with is the breakdown on invites. My side is enormous. His family and family/parents family friends are 40 people. My side is 91 and my mom has asked if she can invite even more extended family. (approx 20 more bringing the family/parents friends total to 111) I don’t want to tell my mom no since they are paying for most of the wedding but I feel bad that his side is small and anytime my family is anywhere we tend to take over. I wanted it to be a time to join our families together not his family and friends getting lost in the crowd of my relatives.
I guess I don’t really have a question just wanted to vent. Also if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Most the time I post on here to vent people are waiting to jump at the chance to tell you how shitty you are for feeling a certain way.
Post # 2
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
newbee959 : I would say do not worry about it. Make sure that ‘his side’ or hisd famiyl is still able to invite whomever is important, so you are not showing favoriteism, but it honeslty doesnt matter if one side of the family invites more than the others, thats just the way it goes sometimes.
My weddign is around 170 people. My side of thr family has more family, but less family friends, so we make up only 60 people of the list. the rest is taken up my family friends of my Future Mother-In-Law. shes therefore taking more than 90 slots. I just made sure that if ym Future Mother-In-Law was going to get to invite so many people important to her, my mum would get to do the same. The fact that those numbers are wildly differeny doesn’t matter, as long as neither feels like they are getting the short stick!
Also; just to say you are not alone in the stress of guest list stress. My Future Mother-In-Law held my guest list hostage for 4 months until I finally agreed to have kids at the wedding. Just take a deep breath! You can do this!
Post # 3
Thank you so much for your response. I’m sure I see the list as lopsided because I am looking at it so closely – I don’t think anyone else will be payinig that much attention when we are all dancing and having a good time. It’s so good to know that I’m not alone in the wedding guest list stress.
Post # 4
Honestly, no one will notice at the wedding, eveyrone will be having such a good time dancing and celebrating you! And your parents are paying, so they should be able to invite who they want. If you really don’t want those extra people there you can ask them not to be invited. But ultimately it is up to your parents if they are paying. My mom invited a whole bunch of my dad’s cousins that I didn’t really want to invite. So I stated my concern. My mom took them off the list. And then my aunt asked all of them to the shower, so back on the list they went
The good news is that the guest list is the hardest part! We went back and forth for months over it! And then there was a last minute change as the Save the Dates were going out! After that was finalized, it has been smooth sailing!
Post # 5
I wouldn’t stress about it. I don’t think anyone will notice on the day.
My Future Mother-In-Law is inviting a ton of extended relatives and family friends, and my Fiance has a lot more friends than I do, so my FI’s side will be WAY bigger than mine. Currently the break down is: 32 mutual friends, 130 my FI’s side, and 50 my side. So his side is more than double mine lol. I don’t mind, and I don’t think anyone will notice or care.
Most weddings don’t have an even split of one side vs the other. It’s just natural that some families are bigger, some families are smaller. Don’t stress about this, no one will bat an eye.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI
We have a similar situation. His parents are chipping in a little bit and my parents are chipping in a lot, so I think it ends up evening out. My mom asked me to please invite children so I could invite my godchild but I told her no, I cannot allow even one kid because then everyone else with kids will ask why I made one exception. Plus, our venue is a brewery and they do not have kid’s meals. She didn’t fight me too much on it and said “okay, I understand” albeit sadly. I did allow them to invite whatever additional friends they wanted as well as our family.
Only 16 of our guests are my fiancé’s family, and about 76 are my family. I asked his mom who else she wanted to invite and she was actually caught off guard by me asking that. I guess when my fiancé’s brother got married the bride said absolutely NO to “family friends” being invited. I encouraged them to invite some of their friends and future Mother-In-Law happily put together a list. So, with his parents friends it brought their side’s total up to 33. They’re still significantly lower than my side of the guest list, but I felt better about it, and it still worked out with how much each of the parents were chipping in.
As far as seating arrangements I have his family all up front on the “mens” side of the head table, and my family all on my side. Our mutual friends are then behind his family on his side.
Post # 7
Don’t worry about it! My side was about 40 and his was 120…honestly, everyone mixes together and it never felt like my side was empty.
Post # 8
For my first marriage we had 250ppl. I had about 30 and the rest were his and his mother’s.
This will be my second marriage, though I consider it my first real one. We’re keeping it under 100. I have about 25 more on my list because I have a larger family.
Like the pp said, no one but it will be counting. The day of the wedding will be filled with people we love and they just want to enjoy the wedding with us.
Post # 9
newbee959 : I think it’s sweet that you’re trying to be considerate of your FI’s family. But this isn’t something you should worry about. When it comes down to it, his family is just going to be excited to see each other and celebrate on the day. They’re not going to be worried about how many family members are there, as long as their family is there. Think about it – if you were going to a party and you knew that all of your close friends were invited, would you be worried about the number of close friends versus the number of guests total, or would you be most excited about who of yourclise friends were there?
I think you’re just overthinking this. However, you are also contributing to this wedding. So, if your parents adding even more extended family, perhaps just because your venue can hold them (not a good reason btw), will add to your cost, you should veto that.
Post # 10
Agree with PPs- day of, you wont notice which “side” has more, just that many of your most favorite people are there to celebrate with you! My husband has slightly more than half of our invites because he’s closer to his family- at the wedding – you couldn’t even tell who came from which side and after a couple of cocktails there was plenty of mingling such that I’m not even sure anyone noticed one way or the other. Enjoy the day!!
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME
My Fiance and I have the same issue, but he’s the one with a lot more family. We’re also getting married less than 2 hours away from his family, and mine is a 5 hour flight away from the venue so it’s already easier for them to attend. I felt strongly that I didn’t want to have my family get swallowed up by his, since they are boisterous east coasters and my family is pretty timid. For me, it was selfish but I wanted it to feel like our wedding, not his family reunion. He understands though, and it was easier to limit the list with a small wedding.
Granted, our wedding is smaller at about 45 people we kept it pretty much even as far as invites go. He only chose 3 aunts/uncles to invite out of over 10, and only one cousin of over 30. I know it was hard for him to pick and there’s already some contention in his family since not every aunt/uncle was invited. Guest lists are really hard!
Honestly, talk to your Fiance and figure out where he stands first. If it’s important that the list is somewhat even, try to work with your mom and your budget to respect that.
Post # 12
I really wouldn’t worry too much about it. I was in the same situation but even more extreme- he’s got a bigger immediate family but doesn’t really have a relationship with his extended family, and I’m an only child with a huuuge extended family that I see on a regular basis. His family took up two tables at our wedding and mine took up 9. And you know what? It wasn’t a huge deal at all. I looked at it this way- just because he doesn’t know any of his second cousins doesn’t mean I shouldn’t invite any of mine. Obviously I would do what you want (if you don’t want to include some of the extended family you shouldn’t feel like you have to) but if you want them there I wouldn’t sacrifice that just in the name of equality, if that makes sense.
Post # 13
Thank you all so much!! My fiance isn’t bothered by the guest list in the slightest so why am I so worried about it??!! It’s really pressure I am putting on myself. I am going to try and let it go. I always said when I got married I wasn’t going to invite great Aunt Sally (an example) but if my mom and dad are footing most the bill maybe I should just roll with it.
I’m just gonna send out these save the dates and move on to the really fun stuff! 🙂
Post # 14
knotyet : That’s a really great analogy!
For some reason all I can picture is my crazy family and his laid back quiet family like this… HAHAHA! I think we will be good 🙂
Post # 15
We are not getting married but I have been thinking the same. My family is 37 people and his family is 2 people. It can be extended to 5 people If we were to invite people he hasn’t seen in over 15 years but are Facebook friends. But then I recently went to my best friends wedding and her husband’s fanily was only her sister. Then there were his friends. Yes it was noticeable in the church that my friends side had a lot more people, but it didn’t matter. In the reception it was not noticeable at all anymore.