Post # 1
My dilemma concerns who I should and should not invite to my wedding. My fiance and I are paying for everything. We would like to keep the guest list down not only because of costs, but we don’t want to spend all night saying ‘hi’ to everyone instead of dancing!
Anywho, my mother has her opinions. We initally asked for lists from both sides of the family. My fiance’s family came up with about 15 people (his mom has a sister and cousins down south, but because of significant family issues they don’t think it’s necessary to invite them). My fiance and I came up with under 40ish personal friends.
My mother of course, comes up with 106 people!!!
There are 9 siblings total amongst her family and my father’s… so it’s a big family. But also, she included all of her friends which was about half of that list and all of their kids (who are actually about 10-15 years older whom a few invited me to their weddings)
Now, I was thinking, since I literally haven’t seen or heard from (no holiday cards either) about 8-11 of my cousins (plus their significant others to make 22 total) that I wouldn’t invite them, but only invite the 5 cousins I actually do talk to (1 actually has 3 siblings… so should i cave in invite them too so it’s less awkward?) and also, I was going to put my foot down and say I’m not going to invite my mother’s friend’s kids… because even though some of them invited me years ago (at least 10 if not more years ago) I have no obligation to invite them now.
I just need some opinions here. I don’t believe I need to have all these people come to the wedding I’m paying for if I (or my mother) haven’t spoken to them within a decade.
Thanks guys for listening!!!
Post # 3
whatever you do, you have to be consistant. if you’re inviting one cousin, you have to invite another. otherwise, there will be drama and hurt feelings. but i think it’s fine not to invite you’re mom’s friend’s kids. and is there any way to trim down the list of your mom’s friends?
i had this problem with my mom too. she wanted to invite EVERYBODY to our venue that fits 110 people. that’s 55 people on our side. we just couldn’t! we compromised and we’re sending anouncements to a lot of her family instead.
Post # 4
my mums original guest list was 310 people.. i cut the whole wedding down to 150.
I think if you havent seen them in 5 years, no invite. that was the first rule i used. aunts and uncles were invited.. limited on the cousins. No under 18years old invited.
If you have never met them in your life.. NO invite…
that limited mine down! hope you find somehow to limit yours!
Post # 5
Thanks guys for your help! Lets see what I can do!
Post # 6
For the cousins – I’d do all or nothing. But I agree, don’t feel obligated to invite people just because you were invited to their wedding once upon a time.
Post # 7
about the cousin thing…
it just sucks about doing it ‘all or nothing’ because the majority are 10 years older and I haven’t talked to in forever, but the other 5 are around my age… and therefore we communicate all the time via email and facebook… so I’m really still up in the air about that…
Post # 8
Have you thought about giving your mom a target number and asking her to cut down her list to that number? My brother (who paid for his and SIL’s wedding) told each set of parents they could have 25 people and that was it. It was hard to make cuts, but at least the responsibility was not his!
Post # 9
why do moms always assume its ok to invite their friends? This just drives me crazy and it seems like almost every mom does this. Future Mother-In-Law told me for the THIRD time this week that she has MORE friends she thought of. She wanted to know if we had anymore seats left. I told her no and ended the conversation immediately.
I just think it is SO RUDE of parents to expect that their friends have a place at their children’s weddings. Sometimes there are exceptions of course. AHG!
Post # 10
If you’re paying for the whole thing then I think your opinion overrides your mom’s. At least about her friends. My parents have a list of friends they want to invite to our wedding (I think 10), but they’re paying for most of it. I’ve met all of the friends and have spent lots of time with them so I’m excited to have them there. I drew the line at people I’d never met though. Despite who’s paying for it, it is my (our) wedding afterall!
So, as for her friends just tell her no. As for cousins, etc that’s a hard call to make. While you see them as friends (the ones you keep in touch with) the whole family probably just sees them as family. Gosh, I wish I had some advice, but I’m stumped. I don’t know what to do.
Is it possible to ask your parents to pitch in a little since they’re asking you to invite all those people? Do they have the ability to pitch in? Hmmmm
Post # 11
Are any of your younger cousins siblings with your older ones? If thats the case, I would definitely invite all siblings.
Post # 12
We invited all the cousins because it was just easier, and are already hearing that the ones we’re not close to aren’t coming (only STDs have gone out so far). Which is fine by us! So it might work out fine. I’d just invite them all to avoid drama, though.
For parental friends, the rule we used was if they were *our* friends too—and many family friends are—they got an invite. That is, if they were in town, they might call us up for lunch even without our parents around. Or they had an aunt/uncle type of relationship with us as we were growing up. But nobody made the list simply by virtue of being a friend of our parents, no matter how close. That worked for us, but we were also very fortunate that our parents’ lists matched who we’d planned to include to a tee, so there was no tension around it. Maybe try going through the list and see who would be included with that sort of an analysis, and then propose that to your mother with that reasoning?
Post # 13
we have the same situation… my father in law has 11 siblings and my mother in law has 5 so that is a big family… my fi and i sat down and decided only to invite the people we talk and we feel is important for us to have them in the wedding… then we had a talk with my in laws about the budget and the reason why we wanted a small wedding… they were some complaint but at the end they respect our decision and went with it… my advice is go with you guts and only invite the people youc are about and dont invite people just because they are your family even that you havent heard from them in a long time…
Post # 14
I’m going through the same crap right now. My Fi’s family is loaded, so they invited, and paid for, all the people oustide of those who we actually wanted to invite. My family on the other hand, can’t afford to pay for extra guests they want invited, but we as the couple can’t afford it either. So I comprimised and added 4 extra people to shut everyone up and thats the end of it. If you dont put your foot down somewhere it will be a never ending battle that you won’t win.
Post # 15
I just wanted to lend you some support and say that I don’t think it’s all or nothing with cousins. My mom is one of 13 & my dad is one of 7 siblings, I have over 100 first cousins. There was no way I was inviting all of them! I’m sorry, but weddings are weddings, not a family reunions. Stick to your guns, invite the cousins you feel close to (that’s what I’m doing). Honestly I’m at the point that if people want to be offended, oooh well. It’s not like they even have my phone number to call & complain about it lol. My mom was cool with this, but my FI’s parents went a little crazy, what we ended up doing was giving his parents a head count and telling them they could invite whom ever they wish within that number. They seemed ok with that option, maybe your mom would be ok with that?
Post # 16
My mom is on my case about inviting all the second and third and fourth cousins basically because she’s afraid of getting drama over it. I mean, these people never call you or visit you. EVER. So why do they even think they’d be invited to my wedding when I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t know me from the next person if they ran into me on the street? (I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t know them either!)
And just this past weekend my dad was telling me he needed 12 invitations for his friends and their significant others. I think I’m inviting maybe 4 of my dad’s friends because they’re the ones I’ve actually met (and like!). Only he went and ran his head at the bar he hangs out at about my wedding so now all these crazy people are expecting an invitation. Sorry, but I don’t think so.