(Closed) Guest List Vent…Its sort of long…sorry

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
138 posts
Blushing bee

Sharron04 – I totally understand, relax before you address this topic with him again. Planning a wedding is very emotional for all, the best thing to do is give all both parents a solid number of people to invite and you and your finance will have to come to an agreement of the number of guests together for you both. For example:

B’s Parents: 16, G’s Parents: 16, and B & G: 48

This way each person knows there limit, create your budget around a solid number of guests. You do have to live after the fact and I would like a house too rather than a lavish party. The wedding guests are family and friends that what to celebrate with you all in good faith.

Post # 4
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Ahhh! Can I share the vent? I LOVE this wedding thing… EXCEPT for the flaming guest list. It’s the only thing we argue about.

But… I’m in your fi’s position, and my fi is in yours Embarassed To me, weddings are about people! And what’s the point of having the nice ceremony and reception if the people you love and care about aren’t there? Now, that’s a few people to me. I can’t help it, I’m a people person! 

My argument re: numbers is – and I don’t think this makes any sense except in my head – how can you put a fixed number on how many friends to invite before you draw the list, and end up with it ‘fair’? It is fair numbers-wise, but in terms of closeness – who’s to say fi’s 21st friend isn’t closer to him than my 15th friend is to me? I think our list should be drawn up on closeness, and not an arbitrary number. Also, the numbers are significantly affected by whether a lot of your friends have partners (or families!!).

However, I do get that there has to be some balance, so I trimmed significantly. He has 17 friends invited and I have 23 or 25 at the moment. We KNOW it’s a difficult issue so try not to discuss it except in preplanned times when we both feel up to it lol.

My big Grrrr >:-( is with his parents, though. My parents are paying for most of the wedding (~$10k contribution), his not so much (we’re not really sure how much though!), and us whatever’s left over (estimated around $1 – 3k). The whole wedding will cost $12-15,000.

Anyway, his parents don’t talk to his father’s family, so they’re not invited. This means we’re inviting significantly fewer family on their side, and they seem to feel that this means they should be able to make up for it by inviting more family friends. Um, maybe – if you were paying for half the wedding! Then I could see the logic in expecting even guest numbers.

We’ve had to trim back on ALL our catagories, so they can blimming trim their friends list back too! I don’t know what to do – I’m tempted to not send invites to the 3 that are the least close (based on fi’s knowledge – these are also the 3 he’s never met).

Basically I’m annoyed because I feel like I’m not going to get my way at ALL – fi and mum just bully me and take different approaches until I let them have their way (well, not so much fi, but when he has people holding the same view as him he gets very confident that he’s right!). I don’t want to invite only 100 people! I want my friends there! Stop making me cut more off, it HURTS! #$(* #($)*&W#)$(*& )#$()*@. Ug.

So, that didn’t make any sense or help you with your problem at all. And I don’t really feel better because it is still unresolved and I’m still annoyed at everyone (except for dad, who’s on ‘my side’ 🙂 ).

But… I do understand guest list rage and frustration and I empathise!

Post # 5
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Honestly, I don’t think it matters that much regarding who has more guests (taking cost out of it).  Our list is 206, about 140 of those people are my guests, the rest are FI’s.  We’re not having a bride’s side or a groom’s side and to us it just doesn’t phase us who has more people coming.  I just happen to have a much larger family and close friends of the family, plust the wedding is in my home town, so there will be more of “my” guests there.  In the end, they are all there to celebrate both of you anyway, right? 🙂

Post # 7
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

The cost issue is totally understandable.  For my situation, it’s my family and us paying, so it’s different.  Hopefully you’ll be able to get through to Fiance that this is really stressing you out and just doesn’t seem quite right since your family is carrying the financial burden.  Also, if you want guests who can actually pick you out in a line-up witnessing this life-altering event, I think he should be sensitive to that as well.  Good luck!

Post # 8
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think it is perfectly acceptable for your parents and you to pay the costs of having your sides guests there and vice versa. ie if it costs $100 a head and you are inviting 50 then u and your parents pay $5000 and if he wants a 100 then his side will need to fork out $10,000. make it non-negotiable and I bet his list will reduce quickly.

Post # 10
350 posts
Helper bee

If it’s a cost issue then sit down with your Fiance and your parents and set a budget, and figure out how many people you can invite based on your budget.

Once you know what your budget allows, and if it is still more people than you would ideally want, see if you can compromise on a number with your Fiance.  For instance if you want 50 people and he wants 200 see if you can settle on 100 – or something to where you are comfortable and he is still happy.

On your wedding day – IT WILL NOT MATTER who is there for who.  ALL YOUR GUESTS will be happy for BOTH OF YOU.  Seriously, nobody is ever as nice to you as people are on your wedding day.  It doesn’t matter if they are complete strangers, they will be showering you with so much love!  So, it really is not as bad as you may think (this is coming from a VERY shy person!!)  The other thing is that the time goes by quickly and you don’t have too much time to spend with any one particular person.  So even with your best friend in the whole world you wont really have time to be chatting it up – there will be so many people demanding your attention anyway.

Good luck!

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