(Closed) Guest list woes – how do you NOT invite people??

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How did people respond to not being invited?
    We said we were having a small wedding and they understood : (27 votes)
    48 %
    We said we were having a small wedding and they are still upset : (7 votes)
    13 %
    We just upped our guest list/budget to try and not hurt anyone's feelings : (12 votes)
    21 %
    Other (below) : (10 votes)
    18 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Hey, I’m going through this too.  I voted “other” because we originally set our guest list at 100.  FI wasn’t really happy with that number so we upped to 120.  It’s still really tough though, there are so many people we’re not going to be able to invite at all.  And our “b list” has grown significantly.  When people ask, I tell them that we’re having a small wedding and our venue is pretty small too.  Or, I avoid talking about my wedding at all.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2463 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    i voted other–i felt really bad about not inviting some of my friends, but i have a huge family and most of the cuts we made to the list were my friends because of it…but honestly, no one has said a thing to me about it. i’ve talked to people since who weren’t invited, and some asked about the planning beforehand but after they would have gotten invitations so they knew they weren’t invited…so i assume they just understood that we couldn’t invite everyone we wanted.

    Post # 6
    Member
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I repeated over and over again that I was having a small wedding, and that seemed to get through to people. I’m sure that some people were upset, but no more than a handful expressed this to me. However, my wedding was VERY small (35 people). I think that if I was expecting that I would be invited to someone’s wedding, was told it was small, and then learned that 120 people were invited, I may still be upset. To me, 120 invites is not small.

    On the flip side, though, one person who knew that my wedding was “small” was upset that she was not invited—until she learned that I did mean only 35 people by “small”! I think she had assumed that small still meant a 120 person wedding, and she would have expected to be invited to a wedding of that size (but not to my itty bitty one).

    Post # 7
    Member
    1545 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I have said to a few friends that it is family only.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4824 posts
    Honey bee

    We upped our list because its FH’s family. I still think we could have cut it a bit, but then we would have been the outcast of the family.  Their family does not look kindly upon cutting the guest list too much. Someone tried that this summer and they are still talking about it.  We did cut down on friends that were borderline however

    Post # 10
    Member
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Ugh…I feel for you.  Unfortunately, we’re not having a small wedding (300+), so I can’t use excuses like that.  I’ve just given up and am inviting everybody.  If I hwere in your shoes, though, I’d just explain that you’re trying to have equal numbers from oth sides and are trying to keep it small.  It’s funny how family you’ve only met a few times suddenly become REALLY excited to attend your wedding.

    Post # 11
    Member
    181 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I hate this part :/ I just tell people we have limited space and that we’re at capacity. It’s a 200 person wedding so it’s hard to say that it’s small but we have huge families so the number of friends and family friends who can be invited is pretty small.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1166 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Here’s how we approached it. We ended up inviting about 110 people (including some courtesy invites for out-of-state family members who won’t travel), and are expecting 85-90 to show:

    1) We are paying for the wedding ourselves, so we felt no obligation to invite friends of our parents unless we are also close with them.

    2) We planned a semi-destination wedding (about a 2-3 hour drive for most guests), which is just far enough to require a hotel stay. We also planned the wedding for Friday afternoon (because we want to have more time to spend with guests on Saturday), so guests need to take Friday off to attend. We didn’t do this to keep the guest list low, but it does mean that only those who really want to be there will come.

    3) We are not inviting family members whom we do not feel close to (i.e., those we rarely or never speak to). This includes some first cousins whom we do not keep in touch with.

    4) We kept the “work friends” list to a minimum – if we do not socialize with them outside of the office, they didn’t make the list.

    5) No “plus-ones” for single friends who are not in a relationship.

    6) No kids, except for our seven nieces and nephews, who are in the wedding. (They are our wedding party; no adults. :))

    7) From the moment we started planning, we stressed that we are having an “intimate” wedding. And we refrained from discussing it around anyone who would not be invited.

    Bottom line, we will be surrounded solely by people we know and LIKE at our wedding, and we will spend the entire weekend with those who are closest to us. I can’t wait!

    Post # 14
    Member
    1166 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @MissBoston: I think that’s a great rule! Come to think of it, we mostly followed that one, too. Bottom line, neither one of us wanted to feel like we were surrounded by strangers at our own wedding. Though I did make one exception for my best friend from grade school, who I reconnected with on Facebook and is coming from across the country (by herself) and has never met my FH.

    Post # 15
    Member
    185 posts
    Blushing bee

    We ended up inviting all of our “bubble” people and just sucking up and dealing with the added cost.  There were maybe 14 extra people, although I could’ve invited a lot more than that… but we wanted a smaller-ish wedding.  So I think we did  a combo of keep the guest list small but also invited the bubble people.  ๐Ÿ™‚ 

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