Post # 1
OMG. My wedding just exploded.
Fi and I had a nice little guest list of 80 people. I had 24 people on “my” portion of the list (meaning my family members and friends of mine that are not FI’s friends). FI’s portion had 43. I sent FI’s portion of his guest list to his mom to make sure we weren’t forgetting any important family members (like random aunts and uncles), and she came back with 70 more “obligatory” invites (FIL’s coworkers, family friends that MUST be included, etc.). I was expecting an additional 20 people, to make our list 100.
My portion of the list won’t be changing (my mother doesn’t believe in inviting her friends to my wedding because they’re not my friends, thank goodness). The wedding is going to be overwhelmingly his family and friends. I’ve already put the kibosh on bride’s and groom’s sides because there won’t be anyone sitting on my side.
This has also changed my bridal party. My sisters wouldn’t have cared about being bridesmaids when I had a small wedding, but now that it’s a big bru-ha-ha, I have to have them in the party. FI wants me to relegate my two bridesmen to ushers because he thinks 7 people a piece is too much, and while I don’t care about uneven sides, he does. I can’t do that to my boys. I want them up there with me, and I’ve already asked my guys to be bridesmen. So, now I have to work this issue out with Fiance.
This is not at all what I wanted. Good bye $8,000 budget. Good bye reasonably sized wedding. I just want to throw in the towel and elope now. Fi’s solution: rent out the local ice skating rink and serve pizza (which just made me even more upset).
The one plus is that his mother said “we’re not expecting you guys to pay for all of this.” Except that Fiance thinks I should ask my parents for money now. Which is completely not the point. We were only going to have 80 people so we could afford to pay for this ourselves. My mom can’t help. She’s single and trying to retire. And it’s not her place in this day and age to help me pay for a wedding. My dad is just cheap, and we don’t have the kind of relationship where I can ask him for money.
UGH. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I just needed to get that all out.
Post # 3
This just sucks!! My Fiance and I already agreed that we weren’t showing our guest list to one damn person just for this reason. I told my mom what family I invited (because I didn’t invite them all) and I’ll expect Fiance to the same later (same as you, he invited more than me).
Other than the overall situation and your Future Mother-In-Law thinking this is apparently her day, what pisses me off about your post is that you Fiance is telling you to ask YOUR parents for money when they didn’t add a single person to the list. I’m sorry, if you’re Future Mother-In-Law is expecting you to add these people to your list then SHE should pay for them. I would have a frank talk with your Fiance and tell him you are NOT asking your mom to pay for HIS MOTHER’S guests. And that since you could afford your wedding on your own before she added that she is responsible for the additional expense.
Just my 2 cents tho.
Post # 4
Yeah, I wouldn’t have that. Is Future Mother-In-Law paying for her extra guests? If not, they would be cut. Stick to your guns. You want an $8000 budget, then stick to it and be blunt. Tell your Future Mother-In-Law that you and Fiance are sticking to $8000 and with her extra 70 people it’s not going to be possible unless she contributes or she just let’s them go. And your Fiance shouldn’t expect anyone to pay. If he has a problem with your mother not contributing, then you need to talk about it. Let him know that your mother didn’t surprise you with 70 extra people you don’t care about or know. I would not pay for one single guest that wasn’t on my original list. Good luck!
Post # 5
it’s your wedding, your day and not FMIL’s. She already had her wedding, now it’s your turn. My Future Mother-In-Law is the same way, wanting to invite ppl I haven’t even met! A wedding should be a joyous occasion, and it won’t be as long as you are letting her stress you out. I think you need to put your foot down. You can’t please everybody, but this wedding isn’t about everybody. It’s about you and you’re fiance!
Post # 6
Good post! That’s what stuck out to me too. BAD FI! I’d call him on it BIG time.
Also good post!
@ the op: I would have a long talk with your Fiance and point out some facts. IF his parents were paying for a lot or all of the wedding then I think they should have some leeway with the guestlist, but you are saying that you and your Fiance are paying for the whole thing yourselves in which case your Future Mother-In-Law has NO SAY in the guestlist. Does your Fiance really want these extra people at the wedding? I mean if he had to make the decision on his own with no extra pushing from mom would he choose to have them there? If so, and ONLY if so, then I’d consider adding the extra people that he wants added (note that I’m not saying the whole 70 people, I’m saying the people that Fiance really feels he missed originally and would want added). Whatever decision is made should be between you and Fiance NOT between Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law.
Now, if you decide that you DO both agree to have these extra people, then you need to come up with terms of acceptance of them – i.e. “ok Future Mother-In-Law we decided that we’ll allow the extra 70 people you came up with as additions to the guest list, but only if you pay for them. We can’t afford to add them with our current budget and we can’t afford to budget anything more then we have. The cost per person is xyz dollars”
Post # 7
This is exactly why I am not sharing my guest list with ANYONE! My fiance and I are on a budget and paying for it ourselves. Therefore, we do not need to run OUR list by anyone.
Have an honest talk with FML and tell her that you were keeping it small in order to be able to pay for it yourselves. If the extra 70 guests HAVE to be invited, then she will have to pay for it. Keep in mind, that additional guests incur extra charges – not just the dinner plate at your reception! Your budget will increase in the following areas: invititations, centerpieces, transporatation (if you are adding an entire bridal party now), linens, cake, just to name a few! Explain why you want to stick to your budget (saving to your future together, etc) and hopefully, she will understand. This is just the beginning, so I suggest you put your foot down now or you will find yourself in similar situations going forward!
Post # 8
That’s so dumb. I can never understand why parents MUST invite their friends & coworkers. Ugh! Family friends I can understand, because THEORETICALLY they’d be close to your FH as well, but it sounds like that’s not the case here.
I would try and talk to your Future Mother-In-Law. Sit down with her, calmly & graciously thank her for her offer of monetary compensation, and then say something like “I understand that these people are important to you & your husband…but FH and I really want a more intimate gathering/I’m worried about how few people will be there from my side/etc., and we’d appreciate it if we could narrow down this list somewhat”.
Also, I think you need to put your foot down with FH. You DO NOT have to ask your parents for money, considering that THEY DID NOT INFLATE YOUR GUEST LIST BY 200%! (Not to mention, they also have extenuating circumstances which prevent them from being financially involved.)
Good luck & congrats on the wedding!
Post # 9
Excellent point. @buttontoes:
Since you budgeted for the guest list YOU drew up, and your Future Mother-In-Law didn’t offer extra cash until AFTER she dramatically inflated your guest list, you absolutely DO NOT have to add the extra people, as long as you don’t take the money.
Post # 10
What we did is put our guest list together. Figured out our budget and then broke it down by people invited on our list. If either of our parents wanted to add they had to pay per person. Make sure to add in the big and little costs of each person for us this was: appetizers, Meal, dessert, alcohol, invitation and printing, program, favor, chair, china, table and linens. Once you figure out the cost for each person and let your Future Mother-In-Law know she can add anyone she wants she just needs to cover the cost and you are going to tell your parents the same. If your parents don’t want to add anyone then that’s how it will turn out.
Post # 11
Thanks ladies. FI and I talked about it, and he agrees that most of these people are not people we would invite of our own volition, so his parents will be paying for them. He understands why my parents won’t be contributing money. I think being able to post about it here helped me not unload on him.
Post # 12
@buttontoes: This may be a dumb question but why can’t you go back to your Future Mother-In-Law and tell her your budget can only accommodate x number of guests, she can have x number of invitations and to let you know who she wants to invite? You can also tell her that you don’t want a huge wedding – that you want to keep it at 80 guests (or whatever it was you were envisioning). You’ll need to get your Fiance on board with this but I think its kind of outragious that she came back to you almost doubling your guest list!