Post # 1
I’d thought I’d toss this out here just to see what everyone thinks.
My family is big. My Mom and Dad are each from families of 5 siblings. Each of their siblings have gotten married, had kids and some of their kids have significant others. My fiance comes from a small family. He has a single aunt and uncle, and 1 married cousin who has two kids.
We’ve made the decision to only have immediate family i.e. parents, grandparents and siblings invited to the wedding along with a few of our closest friends. We really like the idea of a simple, intimate ceremony where we can spend time with each of our guests and not be swimming in a sea of people.
There’s one problem.
My family thinks they should do EVERYTHING together. They all live within an hour of each other and spend all their holidays together, and invite everyone to every single event. I’m the first one that is bucking this trend. To complicate things further, my brother is getting married 5 months prior to me, and he is choosing to invite EVERYONE.
We don’t want a big wedding. We don’t want to put ourselves in debt trying to feed/entertain 150+ people at our wedding.
My Mom got upset with me yesterday and said she just doesn’t understand why I can’t invite them.
It’s not that I don’t love them. I just don’t want that sort of wedding. Is that terrible of me?
We’re having a simple picnic (hot dogs & hamburgers on the grill) a few days after our ceremony to celebrate with our aunts and uncles and extended family. I just don’t know how to explain this to folks without coming off like a cheapskate or as though I don’t care enough about them to invite them.
In a perfect world I’d have plenty of money to invite them all. We’d have a huge party and everyone and their brother could come. Instead, we’re choosing the intimate wedding with the small budget ($5,000) so we can save for a house.
Am I being totally unreasonable?
Post # 3
Hi – you are not in the wrong. While I love my family as well, I simply don’t have the funds to finance a family reunion.
There is nothing wrong with that.
Post # 4
@Peanuthead – Thank you so much for letting me know I’m not crazy! Having a large, very involvedfamily can be a blessing and a curse sometimes!
Post # 5
I agree. No reaon to strain yourself financially. I thik the fact that you are hosting another “reception” at all is very generous of you.
Post # 6
You are not crazy. Just stand your ground with your mom, and explain that some things have to be sacrificed since you dont’ have the money, and don’t give in
Post # 7
Thank you ladies! It’s so great to hear from other’s who understand where we are coming from!
I swear, if I hear “but your brother…” one more time I’m going to scream! It’s nice that he wants to spend this money, it’s nice that he wants to invite everyone, it’s HIS WEDDING.
Ours is OUR WEDDING.
Two entirely different ceremonies, receptions, etc! It’s OK to be different!
Post # 8
There is nothing unreasonable about it. I am in a similar situation. My Fiance and I decided yesterday that we are going to have a small intimate ceremony for immediate family only. It’s what’s right for us and like you we rather save the money for a house. If our financial situation was different we would have a bigger wedding but life happens. Enjoy your day and don’t let them get you down 🙂
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
No, you’re not being unreasonable. We have a very similar situation. My family is huge, Mr. LK’s family is teensy. We chose to have “immediate family”, as we each defined the term for ourselves, and our very best friends. Some in my family were not pleased with the decision, but that is their problem, not mine. We are not big event people, would not have felt comfortable with a big wedding, and, like you, have other priorities for the money in our savings account. Honestly, people will get over it. And if they choose to hold it against you, then they obviously care more about being invited to a party than having you feel comfortable and happy at your own wedding. And that’s on them.
Post # 10
I agree its your day and you should be able to spend it how you want…..BUT If I was an extended family member who was invited to a “BBQ” follow-up a few days later I would feel like you are just fishing for presents with out actually inviting me to the wedding. I am not sure how you can get around that though. Maybe I am the only one that would think that??
Post # 11
@Jenna – A very good point. We were going to specify on the invites, NO GIFTS. That their attendance to the BBQ was gift enough for us. I’d word it better than that but you know what I mean 🙂
Post # 12
@ButtercupBo: Your not wrong because you are doing whats best for you and your Fiance. My Fiance has a small family and I have a good size one and we have just cap the wedding at a certain number because we have to live after it is over and cant do that if we invite everyone we know
GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.
Post # 13
Well the plot thickened last night. My Mom insisted we invite the Aunts and Uncles, saying it was “only” 30 extra people and that they would pay for the extras.
I told her we’d discuss it, but also asked if she’d be devastated if we chose not to invite them. Her response was, “I’ll respect your decision but I’ll still be upset”
Now my fiance is really, really upset. He doesn’t want to get married at our original venue (the family farm) anymore. He wants to elope. No parents, no siblings. Just our wedding party and their families.
Can’t say that is a terrible idea BUT I don’t want to wreck relationships with his parents or my own.
This is turning into a massive mess. Why do weddings bring out the worst in people??
Post # 14
Yes…weddings DO bring out the worst in people. I think just about everyone goes through this…stand your ground. We too have thought eloping would be sooo much easier, but we know it would hurt our parents and grandparents (people we actually want there on our wedding day).
GOOD LUCK! And remember to stand your ground!
Post # 15
Thank you, thank you.
I am just so upset. I want to get married on the farm, I want our parents there.
I don’t want all the drama.
My Mom is afraid she’ll have no one to talk to. I want to scream what about his parents?! They’ll be outnumbered 10 to 1 by our family. Who will they talk to? Have you thought about that?!
Post # 16
@ButtercupBo: I don’t envy you having to go through this–I thought I had it bad with my FI’s stepdad wanting his extended family who live across the country invited!
Either way, it’s YOUR wedding. You have every right to decide what/when/where and WHO attends. It sounds to me like your mom is kind of being a Momzilla.
At the end of the day what would your mom rather do, attend your small, intimate wedding and maybe not have as many people to talk to, or see the photos of your elopement?